Despite the mega-cheesy video montage, Sgt. Dustin L. Williams didn’t have near the luck that his fellow soldiers had when he asked Scarlett Johansson to be his date to the Marine Corps Ball in November. Daily Mail says:

In his video invitation, Williams is seen in a montage, lacing up his boots and buckling up his uniform to the sound track of Eye Of The Tiger, which then segways into Stayin’ Alive.

Johansson, 26, commended the Marine, [saying] ‘Not only does Sgt. Williams deserve recognition for his bravery, selflessness and dedication to the United States and its people, but he also displays a cheeky talent for filmmaking.’

‘Unfortunately, due to prior commitments I will not be able to attend the Ball with you this year. But I am sending you a case of Moet and Chandon with gratitude. In my absence, I raise a glass to you and all the men and women of the U.S. Marine Corps, past and present, in thanks for your continued commitment to preserving the safety of our nation.’

If you’re going to turn down a member of the Armed Forces, sending a crate of champagne in your stead is definitely the way to go. After all, the only thing soldiers love more than whores is booze. And probably penicillin.

Outtakes from an Esquire photoshoot back in 2005:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Fresh off her stint boinking that old dude with the pickled face, Scarlett Johansson is rumored to be doing the dirty with Justin Timberlake. How does Justin feel about old man sloppy seconds? Not too bad, apparently. Says Digital Spy,

Justin Timberlake and Scarlett Johansson have sparked rumors of a romance with a “touchy feely” public display.

The A-list pair were spotted sharing drinks at New York club Kenmare earlier this week and, according to The Sun, ended the night together at the Bad Teacher star’s apartment.

“They were very touchy feely and sat close to one another in a VIP booth along with a few other pals,” a source claimed.

“They hardly looked at their mates when they went to dance because they were so into one another. Contact seemed very natural to the both of them.”

Johansson is also said to have been spotted hitching a ride home with Timberlake’s driver the following morning, still wearing her party clothes.

Timberlake confirmed the end of his relationship to Jessica Biel back in March, while Johansson split with Sean Penn earlier this month.

It’s a good thing she broke up with Penn. I mean, it can really damage a girl’s sense of life and vitality when you start getting catalogs in the mail that have adult bibs and cushioned toilet seat covers. Trust me, I know. Don’t ask how I know. I just. DO.

On the set of The Avengers, once again proving the miraculous power of makeup and hairstylists:

In what will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn’s little two-month fling is over. According to People Magazine:

Speculation about the pair began after Johansson did not attend the Cannes Film Festival with Penn for his movie The Tree of Life. She has been working on The Avengers in New Mexico, reprising her role of Black Widow from Iron Man 2.

The pair attended a White House Correspondents’ Dinner party in Washington D.C. in April and had been spotted in a series of cozy outings in L.A. [last month].

The reason for the split wasn’t immediately known.

I have a hunch — and this is just speculation here — that perhaps they broke up because he’s Sean fucking Penn. Research suggests that perpetually angry, self-righteous, condescending know-it-alls have a difficult time maintaining relationships. Research also suggests that Sean Penn is a fucking tool. I couldn’t find him more repellant if he had a writhing mass of maggots for a face and left a trail of turds wherever he goes.

Scarlett at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner party last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Pregnancy rumors started flying yesterday after Scarlett Johansson was photographed running with her gut hanging over her waistband, but her people quickly shot them down and blamed her shirt. Her spokesperson said in a statement (via the Daily Mail):

“Scarlett is not pregnant. She’s outside running and it’s simply the placement of her shirt that is misleading. She’s been training for The Avengers for over four months and is in the best shape of her life.”

Well, round is technically still a shape, I guess, but the only way it’s the “best shape of her life” is if she’s playing Ms. Pac-Man in her new movie. God knows there just aren’t enough superpowers of digestion in most comic book movies.

They’ve been spied on covert dates before, but Scarlett Johansson officially went public with new boyfriend Sean Penn at her agent’s wedding to Reese Witherspoon this past weekend. Us Magazine says:

Johansson, 26, and Penn, 50, have tried to keep their fledgling romance quiet… but the duo were finally ready to go public on Saturday at Reese Witherspoon’s wedding to Jim Toth.

When the farm-style bash was over, Penn and Johansson stopped by Jimmy’s Bar for a nightcap and late-night grub.

After the table cleared, she sat in Penn’s lap — and they made out in full view for 15 minutes, according to the observer.

Sean Penn seems clinically incapable of experiencing joy or bowel movements, so I can only imagine how awful he is in the sack. He probably makes Scarlett wear a beard and smoke a cigar and yell things like “Imperialist, genocidal, fascist deconstruction of civil liberties!” and “Líder revolucionario!” the whole time they’re doing it.

The same hacker who’s gone after Vanessa Hudgens and released those nude photos has his sights set on a whole slew of other celebrities. They do realize that they wouldn’t have to worry about that if you know, they quit taking nude photos of themselves? Says TMZ,

TMZ broke the story … the FBI sat down with Vanessa Hudgens Wednesday for more than an hour to determine how her Gmail account got hacked.

We’re told 50 celebs had compromising photos and videos stolen by one group, and one of the ringleaders has his fingerprints on every job.

Our sources say the hackers’ primary motivation is the thrill and challenge of it all — not the money.

Law enforcement sources tell us the FBI is closing in on the hackers.

A further update reveals some of the names of those 50 celebrities:

We’ve learned the ring has hit the mobile and other devices of Jessica Alba, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato and Christina Aguilera. We’ve already told you the ring also stole pics and video from Vanessa Hudgens, Scarlett Johansson, Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Miley Cyrus, Emma Caulfield, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead.

I of course would never be involved in something so low as hacking into people’s electronic devices and stealing pictures. It’s just so impersonal. I prefer to dress in camo, stick leaves in my hair, climb a tree and use my high-powered telephoto lens camera to peep in celebrity houses. Anyone can sit behind a computer, but not everyone knows that sitting in a tree above a nest of fire ants isn’t a great idea. That’s real world experience, people!

Until some more of those nudie shots are released, here’s some pictures of Stephanie Seymour in a bikini:

In a real-life Beauty and the Beast story, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn continued their love-in south of the border. Please, hold your dry heaving until the end of the story.  Says Us Magazine,

The actress, 26, and new love Sean Penn, 50, kicked off a steamy 24-hour getaway at the Las Ventanas al Paraiso resort in Cab San Lucas, Mexico, March 2.

“They were acting like teenagers in love and were all over each other,” a source tells the new issue of Us Weekly (on stands now). “Kissing a lot and chain smoking.”

After retreating to their $3,860-a-night ocean-front suite, the handsy duo didn’t emerge until 2:00 the following afternoon for a liquor-loaded lunch at the hotel’s Sea Grill (three margaritas and a shrimp cocktail for her, three pina coladas and lobster for him).

“She’s head over heels,” a source says of Johansson.

The twosome then returned to their room for three more hours of alone time before boarding a private jet to L.A.

Sounds like a match made in heaven. If your definition of heaven is kissing a cigarette-flavored, dehydrated bullfrog who probably has heartburn (because old people always have indigestion) and is burping up pina colada-infused lobster. Swoon! Add a case of Montezuma’s revenge and you just have attained nirvana.

Kelly Brook in leggings, because she doesn’t inspire feelings of nausea:

Their reps quickly shot down the romance rumors that surfaced last month, but TMZ managed to catch Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson on a date earlier this week. Us Magazine says:

The actress, 26, rested her foot on the 50-year-old actor’s lap during a flirty lunch at Cuban restaurant Versailles in L.A. Monday.

The two were smiling and laughing throughout the meal (which Johansson reportedly paid for).

According to a source, the two began their fling when Johansson was filming We Bought a Zoo with Matt Damon.

“Their first hook-up was in Scarlett’s Bungalow,” the source said. “Scarlett’s smitten with him.”

That’s a lot more natural light than I would expect to see on a date with someone who looks like he turns into a bat during the day time. He should be hanging upside down in a cave or fluttering around a belfry, not having hot chicks half his age massaging his crotch with their foot.

Scarlett at the Oscars Sunday night:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

There wouldn’t be winners if there weren’t losers too, and that’s why we here at Yeeeah! like to highlight the worst dressed at the Oscars. It’s our responsibility to keep the balance of good and bad, dark and light; to sustain the yin-yang balance of fashion, so to speak. We also happen to be bitter harpies and enjoy a good laugh at other people’s expense, too. It’s tough job, but someone’s got to do it.

Without further ado, here’s my picks for worst dressed, plus those unfortunates whose fashion choices weren’t interesting enough to elicit more than a “meh” from me.

When the first thing I think of is “tarred and feathered”, it’s not a good thing. Virginia Madsen:

24-year old (!) Florence Welch of Florence + The Machine models the latest in the 1865 Winter-Spring edition of Pioneer Woman.

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Even though they filed for divorce two months ago, Scarlett Johansson and the greatest actor of our generation Ryan Reynolds can’t seem to quit each other. Star Magazine says:

The couple, who filed for divorce in December after less than two years of marriage, went out to dinner at L.A.’s The Little Door on over the weekend.

They previously met up in New York for another post-split dinner date at Blue Ribbon restaurant.

Oh, yeah. They’re doing it. Ex-spouses who aren’t having sex don’t sit down for quiet civilized dinners. They smash dinner plates and hurl empty wine bottles at each other until the cops show up. In fact, the only communication I’ve ever had with an ex I wasn’t sleeping with was screamed at him in family court or carved into the side of his truck with a screwdriver. I find it helps to keep boundaries defined.

Drew Barrymore’s former boyfriend Justin Long and Ryan Reynold’s ex-wife Scarlett Johansson co-starred in last year’s He’s Just Not That Into You… and now they might be co-starring in a relationship. Zing! Sorry, it’s all downhill from here. Radar Online says:

Scarlett Johansson, 26, and Justin Long, 32, were spotted together leaving an Iron & Wine concert at the Wiltern Theatre in Los Angeles on Tuesday.

Scarlett tried to keep a low profile, wearing a fedora hat low on her forehead and a long grey scarf to match her stylish boots.

Justin was more casual — wearing a brown baseball cap and plaid shirt.

Scarlett Johansson and Justin Long both have the charisma of a stack of soggy old newspapers. I can’t think of anything worse than having to write about the two of them. Maybe having to read about the two of them. I had more fun that time Grandma made me scratch under her cast.

You didn’t really think the greatest actor of our generation would stay single for long, did you? Hello! You saw Blade: Trinity, right? Star Magazine says:

Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock ushered in 2011 together… [and] the pair are dating!

Ryan, 34, and Sandra, 46, were spotted dining at her Austin, Tex., restaurant Bess Bistro on New Year’s Eve. They reportedly danced the night away and left together at 2 am.

Ryan has been leaning on Sandra since his marriage to Scarlett Johansson started falling apart on Dec. 23. Sandra’s marriage to Jesse James crumbled in early 2010 after she adopted baby Louis.

I don’t know about you or Sandra, but Ryan Reynolds had me back at “cock-juggling thundercunt.” I try to use that expression as often as possible in most of my everyday conversations. It’s a real eyebrow-raiser.

Sandra Bullock with her adopted baby Louis “L’il Kradle Kap” Bullock last month:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures