All is not well in Tom Cruise-ville.

First, former member Peter Letterese filed suit against the Church of Scientology in Florida earlier this month, calling the church a “crime syndicate” and fingering Tom Cruise for his “foreign and domestic lobbying” on behalf of the religion. According to Rush and Molloy

He singles out Cruise, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is “aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

Letterese calls the church a “crime syndicate” and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

On top of all that, wife Katie Holmes has finally put her foot down and demanded that he kick his mother, his sister, and his sister’s two sons out of their home. In Touch Weekly says

When Katie and Tom recently moved into a $35 million home in Beverly Hills, Katie put her foot down and insisted that everyone — other than Suri and Tom’s two children with Nicole Kidman, Isabella, 15, and Connor, 13 — find another place to live. “It’s about time for Tom and Katie to live alone,” another pal adds. “They never have before.”

With Momsy finally out of the house, Tom won’t have any excuses for not doing the whole penis-in-vagina thing. Before, he could blame his avoidance on the threat of Grandma Cruise popping in to have her eye ointment applied or her bottom wiped. Now it’s just him, Katie, and a wiener with nowhere to go.

Katie Tom Katie out and about July 24th:

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have named their new baby daughter Sunday Rose, but not because they hate her like you probably thought. It’s actually because they hate Tom Cruise. According to MSNBC

One Kidman source said the name is her last jab at Scientology. “Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology. She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

Oh, come on. That’s the worst baby name burn I’ve ever heard. It’s like she’s not even trying. What about TomCruiseIsSterile Elizabeth Urban? That’s got a nice ring to it. Or LRHSucksDonkey Marie Urban? I could definitely see that cross-stitched on a nice sampler.

Gobbling outside the hospital last month:

Katie Holmes’ debut role in the revival of Arthur Miller’s “All My Sons” has yet to generate any public interest. And by “public interest,” I of course mean “actual money.” NY Post says

Ticket brokers and group sales agents, who… thought Holmes would be this season’s Julia Roberts (who sold out “Three Days of Rain” in one day) say interest in the Holmes show is nil.

Backstage, the buzz is that the cast has been forced to sign confidentiality agreements. The Scientology minders in charge of Holmes apparently don’t want any press they can’t control.

Tom Cruise might promise you a pot of Hollywood gold, but instead of glittering Academy Awards at the end of the rainbow, you get a tubful of Scientology minders and list of approved shitty film roles. It’s a classic leprechaun trick. And everybody knows the best way to capture a leprechaun is to sneak up on him when he’s working on his shoes. Leprechauns are born cobblers, see. You can’t take your eyes off of him, not even for a second, because some leprechauns can vanish right before your eyes, and I’d peg Tommy boy as one of those types. Of course, that’s where the four-leaf clovers come into play. Four-leaf clovers are like leprechaun kryptonite. It’s simple science, really. All Katie needs now is a couple of four-leaf clovers and .38.¹ I think that’s the technical term for “the luck of the Irish.”

¹_{Don’t try sending them to her in the mail, though. It seems the the Gun Control Act of ‘68 put the kibosh on that.}

Katie at the Broad Contemporary Art Museum Opening back in February:

Despite both he and wife Jada Pinkett-Smith denying that they are Scientologists, Will Smith’s new school in Calabasas is causing all kinds of negative Scientology-themed press. Several teachers are members of the Church of Scientology, and the school is implementing teaching methods developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. The L.A. Times says

The school is not being honest about its links to Scientology. Many concepts on the school’s website are specific to Scientology — the school lists a “Director of Qualifications” and another teacher who is an assistant in the “Qual” department. The “Qual” is where people who have completed a Scientology “auditing.”

“Children are inculcated with Scientology jargon and are led to regard L.R. Hubbard as an authority figure. They are laying the groundwork for later bringing people into Scientology,” says Ron Reynolds, executive director of the California Association of Private School Organizations.

Frankly, I’d say that’s proof enough, but I’ve developed a list of other telltale signs that your child’s school is being infiltrated by Scientologists, just to be safe. Ten telltale signs, to be exact.

TOP TEN WAYS TO REALLY KNOW IF YOUR CHILD’S SCHOOL IS SCIENTOLOGIST

10. Placenta and Barley Formula is on the school menu.

9. “Battlefield Earth” is required reading

8. The auditing course has nothing to do with taxes

7. “Intro to Psychology” replaced with “Intro to Dianetics”

6. “Fair Game” is the standard in all organized sports

5. Grades are given in gradients from OT I to OT VIII

4. Required school supplies include glue, a ruler, and an E-meter

3. The “ARC triangle” and the “KRC triangle” have nothing to do with geometry

2. Approved field trips include a visit to The Freewinds and New Life Improvement Center in Plant City, Florida

and the number one way to know your child’s school is really Scientologist:

1. Tom Cruise is the principal

Will Smith’s co-star Charlize Theron at the “Hancock” premiere in Hollywood yesterday:

Celebrity Rehab’s Dr. Drew offers his opinion on the impetus behind celebrities like Tom Cruise joining cultish religions in next month’s issue of Playboy. Page Six quotes him as saying

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt. Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that’s a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect.”

Tom Cruise, of course, instantly unleashed his lawyer:

“This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill.”

And it looks like it worked. Dr. Drew, probably fearing for his life now, had his PR flack issue the following statement:

Dr. Drew meant no harm to Mr. Cruise and apologizes if his comments were hurtful. Under no circumstances is Dr. Drew making a blanket diagnosis about Scientology nor Mr. Cruise whom he does not know. Dr. Drew was simply using Mr. Cruise as an example of someone who is recognizable to help the public understand. Again, Dr. Drew meant him no harm.

Jesus, what a puss. If you’re going to say something, stick behind it. Trying to retract a statement is like trying to un-shit a turd. It’s still gonna stink no matter what you do, and it’s just going to be messy for everybody involved. Just ask Bobby Brown if you don’t believe me.

Katie Holmes BEFORE Tom:

Kate Holmes after:

For someone who keeps denying he’s a Scientologist, Will Smith sure keeps finding ways to align himself with the religion — this time dropping thousands of dollars to open a new Scientology-themed school in Calabasas. According to TMZ

The New Village Academy’s website indicates that their model of learning is something called “Study Technology” — a method created by none other than L. Ron Hubbard. The school also emphasizes the teaching of ethics and survival — again, big topics in Scientology. While Smith is not mentioned per se on the school’s site, his reps did not deny his involvement.

You know how that old saying goes — if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and swims like a duck, well, then, you probably shouldn’t have sex with it. Those little bastards bite and carry the bird flu. The more you know…

Tom Cruise finally has the perfect robot wife he’s always wanted — and he’s sure as hell not going to let her get away now. Katie Holmes’ plans to move to New York sans Tommy to star on Broadway were effectively quashed when Tom forced her into “Scientology Boot Camp” last week. Note: this brand of boot camp has nothing to do with saving your wild teen who dresses too sexy. According to Star

Katie was recently secluded for three days at Gold Base, the remote, supersecret Scientology compound in Hemet, California. “It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes,” a Scientology insider reveals. “Katie’s been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight — with little sleep or food.”

Sleep-deprived, food-deprived, and strapped to an E-meter by Tom Cruise’s lunatic minions. Boy, does that ever sound fun! But then again, so does hemorrhoid surgery and third degree burns. How will I ever choose how to spend my summer vacation now? Let’s just ask this shotgun here.

Being lead around at David Beckham’s birthday party April 20th:

“CSI” actor and active Scientologist for thirteen years Jason Beghe posted a swear-riddled diatribe against the Church of Scientology on YouTube yesterday. Beghe — who was featured in a promotional video for the church in ‘05 — dropped a lot of dough over the years to achieve the Tom Cruise and John Travolta level of “Operating Thetan 5,” but finally came to the conclusion that the whole thing was all a big pile of horse shit. According to Page Six

In the video, Beghe [says], “Scientology is destructive and a rip-off. It’s very, very dangerous for your spiritual, psychological, mental, emotional health and evolution. I think it stunts your evolution. Something’s [fucked] up… The further up the bridge, the worse you get…”

“I don’t have an agenda. I’m just trying to help. I have the luxury of having gotten into Scientology and after having been in it, been out. And that’s a perspective that people who are still in and not out do not have.”

Frankly, I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often once people achieve the higher OT levels, because it’s not until you hit OT1 that the church reveals that the source of your personal hang-ups and personality flaws is actually false-memory-planted alien souls clinging to your body. And of course, by the time you’ve actually reached OT1, you’ve already dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars to get there. It’s not like they start babbling about a galactic overlord dropping hydrogen bombs in volcanoes the first time you walk in for your free e-reading. And to someone who didn’t know any better, the term “Scientology” sounds like it must be a religion based on scientific reasoning because it has the word “science” in the name. But much like how my “Women on Women: The Literature of Liberation” course turned out to be less of a unfettered lesbian orgy and more of a foray into social consequence of 21st century feminist writers, Scientology has about as much science in it as an episode of “Homeboys in Outer Space.” That is to say, none.

Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty might be Scientology’s latest victim — a “lover” has reportedly introduced him to the lunatic cult. Probably after a night of sharing spiced meats and making love to a frenzy of native drums beneath the beckoning cries of the great eagle spirit. According to London’s The Sun

Pete, 29 has bought a pile of books on the subject since meeting Scientologist DJ Nadine Ruddy. And he has been leaving his Wiltshire mansion to stay at her home in Reading at least once a week. A source said: “Nadine is really into Scientology. She takes her beliefs very seriously. Pete’s chatted a lot with her about it. He went out and bought some books to read up about it.”

You don’t need to read a pile of books to understand Scientology. Everything you ever need to know about the religion can be summed up in just one book: “Battlefield Earth.” L. Ron Hubbard’s magnum opus is like breathing life into the pencil sketches of alien beasts and scantily-clad otherworld females drawn on the inside of a seventh grade boy’s Trapper Keeper while he’s sitting out of gym class because of his asthma condition. It’s guaranteed vagina-repellent. I heard there was this one guy who read it and then woke up a virgin in his mother’s basement. True fuckin’ story. He spent most of his life building World of Warcraft characters to sell on eBay and later died of severely infected purple nerples.

MSNBC reports today that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are the new black faces of Scientology. Apparently, there’s just something about paranoid couch-jumping Lilliputians that alienates the African-American demographic! Tom Cruise’s latest venture into the delusional — a $1.3 million security system replete with cameras in every last room of the house — has even gone as far as to estrange his obedient robot wife Katie Holmes. A source told Showbiz Spy

“Katie will barely be able to move around her own home without being monitored by cameras and electrical devices. There will be codes and devices that only Tom will have the secret information to operate. Every move she makes inside or outside their house will be recorded. There is no escape from Tom’s controlling ways. [Katie] knows she can’t escape the roving eyes of the cameras that are constantly sweeping the house.”

Within the grounds of the couple’s house, there’s a small guard house; 24/7 cameras; floodlights activated by movement; and guard dogs. An electric fence around the grounds was ruled out, but a moat inside of the compound will surround the 13,000sq ft mansion if permission is granted.

It sounds like some kind of wonderful Medieval-themed Alcatraz. Tom could call it Castle Knavesmire and get a dragon and a flaming eye and be henceforth known as Kargeth Yellowmace or Rukkek Tunnelmaker. There are plenty of good dwarf names out there to choose from. Who needs the African-American demographic when ye olde Renaissance fair demographic remaineth untapped, forsooth!

Those rumors that Tom Cruise “auditioned” several Hollywood actresses before choosing Katie Holmes to be his wife have actually been confirmed by a former high-ranking Scientologist. Female First says

[Scientology promotional films producer Marc Headley] reveals, “[Scientology leader David] Miscavige assigned the order: ‘Find a wife for Tom Cruise’ [and] put out a casting call to female actresses saying, ‘There’s an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.’ They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s. But in the end no movie was made.

“First they rounded up Scientologist actresses… but they were all rejected. Then they went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order. Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait. When she found out [the "audition"] was [being held] at the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out. So they worked the audition bit on Katie and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he’s enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, ‘I knew immediately she was the one.’”

That’s like thinking you’re the most awesome player on the kickball team ever but then finding out that the captain actually chose you last. And not only did he choose you last, but that the other team took both the smelly kid and the fat kid with the skin condition so they wouldn’t be stuck with you.

With all the death and debauchery going on here today, I thought this little clip of Jerry O’Connell mocking Tom Cruise’s infamous Medal of Valor recruitment video was pretty damn funny. The insane laughter, the nonsensical trailings off, the turtleneck — Jerry fucking nails it. Editor’s note: he also nails Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Jerry O’ Connell, 2; Scientology, 0. Advantage: Jerry.