ABC ran a two-part investigation into Scientology last week that explored the allegedly violent tendencies of leader David Miscavige (as well as delving into the whole “aliens and volcanoes” crap on which their religion is based) in an interview with Scientology spokesperson Tommy Davis. But it seems Tommy got cold feet after the interview, because less than an hour before it was set to air, Tommy showed up unannounced at ABC’s studio in an attempt to get the segment squashed. Page Six says

In [the] interview, Martin Bashir asked Davis to comment on the church’s bizarre founding mythology, which involves an intergalactic god named Xenu who brought his people to Earth 75 million years ago and stuffed them in a volcano.

After telling Bashir he wouldn’t discuss “disgusting perversions” of the religion, Davis, with the camera still rolling, removed his microphone and stormed off the set. The dust-up was included in the piece.

But just 45 minutes before the segment was to air on Thursday, Davis showed up at ABC headquarters on West 67th Street and asked to speak to Bashir and the show’s executive producer.

“He demanded to a security guard that he be let in,” a network insider [said]. “He was told as politely as possible that the piece could not be changed. He was then asked to leave.” Adds the source, “He was not happy.”

All this comes hot on the heels of news that Oscar-winning “Crash” director Paul Haggis has publicly resigned from the church on the basis of their gay-bashing and escalating lies, and then there’s the matter of a $900,000 fraud conviction in France today. According to Yahoo News

The court convicted the Church of Scientology’s French office, its library and six of its leaders of organized fraud, [saying] the group pressured members into paying large sums of money for questionable financial gain and used “commercial harassment” against recruits.

Four of the leaders were given suspended sentences of between 10 months and two years. The other two were given fines.

Statistics indicate that he only way this religion could be more unappealing now is if it were somehow covered with bean curd and swastikas and served on the back of Margaret Cho’s thighs.

Part 2 of the interview after the jump.

(more…)

The anti-Scientology group Anonymous planned to protest at the premiere of Tom Cruise’s new movie “Valkyrie,” staging a German camera crew and dozens of picket signs well within range of the paparazzi lenses. There was only one problem — the “Valkyrie” premiere was like ten blocks away somewhere else. D’oh! MSNBC says

Just hours before the premiere, group organizers realized that the event’s location was at Jazz at Lincoln Center, which is actually located at the Time Warner Center and not in Lincoln Center itself as they’d thought.

The difference of a few blocks meant a difference in police precinct jurisdictions, which in turn meant that they had to scramble to get a permit from the police to allow their protest (in the end, they did get their permit).

I don’t like to point fingers, but getting all the major details incorrect and then showing up at the wrong place with your dick in your hand just reeks of George W. Bush. I wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if a hurricane rolled through at the end and killed all the black people and unemployment rose to an unprecedented 6.3%.

Valkyrie Premiere, Hollywood point of view:

Valkyrie Premiere, real world point of view:

Tom Cruise is denying claims that he strong-armed Amazon into pulling an anti-Scientology book from its virtual store shelves last month. The book in question is John Duignan’s “The Complex,” in which the former high-ranking member details his escape from Scientology’s elite “Sea Organization” (sounds gay). According to the NY Daily News

On Oct. 31, Irish publisher Merlin released “The Complex.” Five days later, Cruise dropped by Amazon’s headquarters to glad-hand staffers and host a sneak peek at his new movie, “Valkyrie.”

A few days later, Amazon’s British Web site stopped selling “The Complex.”

“I believe Tom Cruise influenced them,” Duignan [says]. Cruise’s rep denies that charge.

Awfully big coincidence, don’t you think? He just “shows up” at headquarters and the book mysteriously disappears from inventory? It’s a lot like that whole sex scene gone missing from Katie Holmes’ “Thank You for Smoking.” You can’t just go throwing your Hollywood weight around every time a person threatens to expose you as a lunatic fraud or your spouse as a cock-hungry tit-flasher. If you really want your “problem” to go away, you bury it in lime and break out all the teeth so the cops can’t use dental records to ID it. Duh!

Celebrating Thanksgiving in central park with the Beckhams:

There have long been rumors that actor Will Smith is a gay, but now a notorious Hollywood Madame is confirming that the Fresh Prince was a client of hers for years before she moved to Manhattan. She told Ian Under Cover

“[The first time I spoke with Smith], I had to reassure him over and over that I could guarantee discretion. Once I convinced him I could, he placed his order. It was for a man. You’d be surprised at how many Hollywood stars requested the services of the guys.”

This lends itself quite nicely to Smith’s new allegiance to the homo-curing religion of Scientology:

Could Smith’s proclivities account for his recent apparent conversion to Scientology, a religion that’s chief appeal in Hollywood appears to be its promise to turn gay people straight? The religion’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, believed homosexuals should be quarantined from society because he considered gays to be “quite ill physically” and homosexuality a “mental aberration.”

I don’t know the answer to that. And we won’t know the answer to that until some miscreant with a wide-angle lens catches him in bed with two Thai boys and Tom Cruise in a hoop skirt. Until then, we just speculate wildly, like Al Gore with his “global warming.” The real travesty here is that we missed out on the opportunity to integrate “BJ Jizzy Jeff” and “The Flesh Prince of Ball Hair” into everyday conversation back in the nineties. I think we should all take a moment to mourn our loss.

Web site The Daily Beast managed to get a hold of an interview Elle magazine did with Jennifer Lopez that never made it past the cutting room floor, per the actress’ oh-Xenu-they’re-going-to-say-I’m-a-Scientologist request. Star Magazine says

J.Lo, who pals around with many Scientologists like Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Leah Remini confirms that her father has practiced the controversial religion for over 20 years.

“No,” Jen said when asked if she considers herself a Scientologist. “I wouldn’t have a problem saying [I was] because I know… a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is. It’s very helpful.”

So helpful in fact that Jen says she’d consider sending her kids to a Scientology school.

“Yeah,” said J.Lo “I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful… It’s all about communication. I do know so many great people who do do it.”

To recap, although she is the daughter of a Scientologist, surrounds herself exclusively with Scientologists, considers the practices of Scientology “helpful” and would educate her children in a school based in Scientology, she is NOT, in fact, an actual Scientologist. I see. Kind of like how I am NOT technically an alcoholic. Even though I routinely drink to the point of blackout, have 30% liver function and can no longer legally drive a car anywhere other than work. My probation officer tells me the name of that game is “semantics.”

At the15th annual Women In Hollywood Tribute yesterday:

Although her play won’t officially open until October 16th, Katie Holmes began previews for her Broadway debut in All My Sons last night. On hand for Katie’s big night? A shitload of anti-Scientology protestors with masks and picket signs and presumably, a death wish. According to Us Weekly

Around 20 demonstrators (many in masks) staged a protest, shouting “Free Katie” and holding signs that screamed “How many more must die?” A demonstrator insisted, “We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play - we are protesting Scientology. It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”

But Holmes… seemed undeterred.

By “undeterred” they must have meant “stuck on autopilot.” I’m pretty sure it’s the only setting Katie’s allowed other than “ovulate” and “smile like you mean it.”

Pop star “All That’s Missing Are the Testicles” Pink is rumored to have turned to Scientology to help her work through her split with husband Carey Hart. Contact Music says

Friends reveal the singer has sought comfort from [confirmed Scientologist] Juliette Lewis, who is introducing her to the controversial religion. A source tells Star magazine, “Pink is in the beginning stages of checking out the religion, but she has taken to it and she wants to get more involved.”

Well, “getting involved” in the religion is easy enough. Step 1 — cut off all friends and family NOT affiliated with Scientology, alienating yourself completely; Step 2 — cough up hundreds of thousands of dollars for barley water and thetan-repellent outerwear; Step 3 — start working the word “glib” into everyday conversation, preferably accusatorily and on live TV; and Step 4 — wait for your career to come crashing down around you like so many bricks made of poisonous snakes of failure. Voila! You’re now officially a Scientologist. Please send your check or money order to Yeeeah! c/o Abby, ATTN: Scientology Licensing Department. Scientology — reigning in the closet homosexual in us all!

Rare cockatoo sighting on the red carpet at the VMAs last Sunday:

All is not well in Tom Cruise-ville.

First, former member Peter Letterese filed suit against the Church of Scientology in Florida earlier this month, calling the church a “crime syndicate” and fingering Tom Cruise for his “foreign and domestic lobbying” on behalf of the religion. According to Rush and Molloy

He singles out Cruise, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is “aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

Letterese calls the church a “crime syndicate” and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

On top of all that, wife Katie Holmes has finally put her foot down and demanded that he kick his mother, his sister, and his sister’s two sons out of their home. In Touch Weekly says

When Katie and Tom recently moved into a $35 million home in Beverly Hills, Katie put her foot down and insisted that everyone — other than Suri and Tom’s two children with Nicole Kidman, Isabella, 15, and Connor, 13 — find another place to live. “It’s about time for Tom and Katie to live alone,” another pal adds. “They never have before.”

With Momsy finally out of the house, Tom won’t have any excuses for not doing the whole penis-in-vagina thing. Before, he could blame his avoidance on the threat of Grandma Cruise popping in to have her eye ointment applied or her bottom wiped. Now it’s just him, Katie, and a wiener with nowhere to go.

Katie Tom Katie out and about July 24th:

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have named their new baby daughter Sunday Rose, but not because they hate her like you probably thought. It’s actually because they hate Tom Cruise. According to MSNBC

One Kidman source said the name is her last jab at Scientology. “Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology. She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

Oh, come on. That’s the worst baby name burn I’ve ever heard. It’s like she’s not even trying. What about TomCruiseIsSterile Elizabeth Urban? That’s got a nice ring to it. Or LRHSucksDonkey Marie Urban? I could definitely see that cross-stitched on a nice sampler.

Gobbling outside the hospital last month:

Katie Holmes’ debut role in the revival of Arthur Miller’s “All My Sons” has yet to generate any public interest. And by “public interest,” I of course mean “actual money.” NY Post says

Ticket brokers and group sales agents, who… thought Holmes would be this season’s Julia Roberts (who sold out “Three Days of Rain” in one day) say interest in the Holmes show is nil.

Backstage, the buzz is that the cast has been forced to sign confidentiality agreements. The Scientology minders in charge of Holmes apparently don’t want any press they can’t control.

Tom Cruise might promise you a pot of Hollywood gold, but instead of glittering Academy Awards at the end of the rainbow, you get a tubful of Scientology minders and list of approved shitty film roles. It’s a classic leprechaun trick. And everybody knows the best way to capture a leprechaun is to sneak up on him when he’s working on his shoes. Leprechauns are born cobblers, see. You can’t take your eyes off of him, not even for a second, because some leprechauns can vanish right before your eyes, and I’d peg Tommy boy as one of those types. Of course, that’s where the four-leaf clovers come into play. Four-leaf clovers are like leprechaun kryptonite. It’s simple science, really. All Katie needs now is a couple of four-leaf clovers and .38.¹ I think that’s the technical term for “the luck of the Irish.”

¹_{Don’t try sending them to her in the mail, though. It seems the the Gun Control Act of ‘68 put the kibosh on that.}

Katie at the Broad Contemporary Art Museum Opening back in February:

Despite both he and wife Jada Pinkett-Smith denying that they are Scientologists, Will Smith’s new school in Calabasas is causing all kinds of negative Scientology-themed press. Several teachers are members of the Church of Scientology, and the school is implementing teaching methods developed by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. The L.A. Times says

The school is not being honest about its links to Scientology. Many concepts on the school’s website are specific to Scientology — the school lists a “Director of Qualifications” and another teacher who is an assistant in the “Qual” department. The “Qual” is where people who have completed a Scientology “auditing.”

“Children are inculcated with Scientology jargon and are led to regard L.R. Hubbard as an authority figure. They are laying the groundwork for later bringing people into Scientology,” says Ron Reynolds, executive director of the California Association of Private School Organizations.

Frankly, I’d say that’s proof enough, but I’ve developed a list of other telltale signs that your child’s school is being infiltrated by Scientologists, just to be safe. Ten telltale signs, to be exact.

TOP TEN WAYS TO REALLY KNOW IF YOUR CHILD’S SCHOOL IS SCIENTOLOGIST

10. Placenta and Barley Formula is on the school menu.

9. “Battlefield Earth” is required reading

8. The auditing course has nothing to do with taxes

7. “Intro to Psychology” replaced with “Intro to Dianetics”

6. “Fair Game” is the standard in all organized sports

5. Grades are given in gradients from OT I to OT VIII

4. Required school supplies include glue, a ruler, and an E-meter

3. The “ARC triangle” and the “KRC triangle” have nothing to do with geometry

2. Approved field trips include a visit to The Freewinds and New Life Improvement Center in Plant City, Florida

and the number one way to know your child’s school is really Scientologist:

1. Tom Cruise is the principal

Will Smith’s co-star Charlize Theron at the “Hancock” premiere in Hollywood yesterday:

Celebrity Rehab’s Dr. Drew offers his opinion on the impetus behind celebrities like Tom Cruise joining cultish religions in next month’s issue of Playboy. Page Six quotes him as saying

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt. Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that’s a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect.”

Tom Cruise, of course, instantly unleashed his lawyer:

“This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill.”

And it looks like it worked. Dr. Drew, probably fearing for his life now, had his PR flack issue the following statement:

Dr. Drew meant no harm to Mr. Cruise and apologizes if his comments were hurtful. Under no circumstances is Dr. Drew making a blanket diagnosis about Scientology nor Mr. Cruise whom he does not know. Dr. Drew was simply using Mr. Cruise as an example of someone who is recognizable to help the public understand. Again, Dr. Drew meant him no harm.

Jesus, what a puss. If you’re going to say something, stick behind it. Trying to retract a statement is like trying to un-shit a turd. It’s still gonna stink no matter what you do, and it’s just going to be messy for everybody involved. Just ask Bobby Brown if you don’t believe me.

Katie Holmes BEFORE Tom:

Kate Holmes after: