Paula Abdul experienced another one of her infamous drug-free meltdowns at Los Angeles International Airport over the holidays. MSNBC quotes an eyewitness as saying

“[Paula] had an insane nervous breakdown that lasted 10 minutes… One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out; the next she was yelling into her cell phone in this deep, rage-filled ‘Poltergeist’ voice. She kept screaming three names over and over — Michael, Sidney and Leslie. Everyone was staring at her, but she didn’t care.”

I’ve seen The DaVinci Code and National Treasure, so I know nonsensical gibberish is almost always a secret code or anagram. Which means — dun dun DUN — that Paula was trying to tell us something here. And then it occurred to me that the letters in the names “Michael,” “Sidney” and “Leslie” can be arranged to spell SMELLY INLAID CHEESE¹. Which obviously means that a bunch of Freemasons buried a secret message somewhere in a vat of stinky Limburger to protect the bloodline of the Christ. Of course, it could also mean that Paula hid all her Vicodin in Ziploc full of ricotta so none of those bastard airport leprechauns would steal from her again. It’s hard to know for sure without using the Fibonacci sequence or being completely batshit insane.

¹_{They can also be arranged to spell YE LEECH SMILE ISLAND}

Paula at the 9th Annual Family Television Awards Dinner last month: