Now, for my favorite part of completely useless red carpet productions like the Screen Actors’ Guild Awards last night: making fun of the celebrities and their overpriced couture dresses! I deemed Ally McBeal actress Jane Krakowski “Ugly Cake Taker” for this year’s SAGs. And boy, sags is right. That could be one of the most unflattering necklines and décolletage displays I’ve ever seen. She looks like she ought to be rotating on a spit with an apple stuffed in her big ugly pie hole. It’d be better if instead of the ruching there were coconuts and some girthy Hawaiians about to dump her in a volcano. You know, appease the gods of fashion. Namely me. I demand sacrifice!

The bad, the worse, and what-the-fuck-is-that? after the jump

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The Sopranos won big at last night’s Screen Actor’s Guild Awards, which is surprising in that the last two or three seasons sucked and nobody I know even watched it anymore, which is precisely why I wasn’t watching the SAGs in the first place. That, and The Big Lebowski was on cable again. You’re killing your father Larry!

My vote for best-dressed goes to Angelina Jolie and her pregnancy-concealing vintage Hermes gown. She was one of maybe four women there without a shellacked helmet of forties-era waves or what I like to call “open-casket makeup.” Angie spent the evening making out with Boxcar Bradley Pitt, who by the looks of it hopped the rails from Tulsa to get to the show.

My other favorites included Kate Beckinsdale, in a bright yellow Luisa Beccaria gown reminiscent of the one Michelle Williams wore to the Oscars a couple of years ago:

Becki Newton from Ugly Betty in a similarly tiered Elsie Katz gown:

Marion Cotillard from La Vie en Rose in Nina Ricci:

Debra Messing in Oscar de la Renta and a whole lotta visible scalp:

and Michelle Pfiefer and Sophia Bush working the neutrals:

Check out the complete list of winners here.