Miley Cyrus does her best slutty vulture/medieval peacock/Britney Spears impression in her latest video “Can’t Be Tamed.” I guess footage of her beating Hannah Montana with a lead pipe got kinda redundant after the first two minutes. The Daily Mail says

Taking cues from Britney Spears and Lady Gaga, the young singer parades around in hotpants and plunging corsets as she puts on a brief pole-dancing show.

Miley hinted that the video mirrors her desire to break out of the constraints of playing her squeaky clean Disney character.

She said: ‘[The song] is about [me wanting] to be free and do what I love. I want to make the movies or make the music I want. It’s not a new Miley, its just a new part of me.

There’s nothing in the video for me that I wouldn’t be proud for my family to see. I think they can all watch it.”

Yep, my daddy loves to watch me pole-dancin’. On account of us bein’ from Tennessee and all. Y’all wouldn’t understand with yer fancy “book-learnin’” and “incest laws” and what-not, but real love don’t know no bounds. That’s how come I don’t never wear a belt.

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The video for Christina Aguilera’s new single “Not Myself Tonight” is scheduled to hit the interwebs at 12:01 this morning, but you can have a little preview of it here. The Daily Mail says

The 29-year-old singer dons a red bra and knickers set as she poses provocatively in front of a fireplace, before wearing an outfit made entirely made of chains with just pointed pasties to maintain her decency.

She also appears to have a ball gag in her mouth in the clearly S&M inspired video.

In another shot, Christina wears a revealing cut-out swimsuit while bending her body into sexy poses.

What an apropos title! Clearly, she’s not herself tonight. She appears to be Madonna circa 1995 and Lady Gaga six months ago. I guess the title “Trite and Uninspired” just didn’t resonate with the big guns at Sony.

Sonya’s in tomorrow, so I’ll see you snarky bastards on Monday!

“Chloe” just finished its run in theaters and won’t be out on DVD for several months, but that hasn’t stopped stay-at-home virgins from illegally downloading the movie and painstakingly frame-by-framing Amanda Seyfried’s lesbian scene with Julianne Moore for a shitload of topless screen caps. Well, I’m not all that technologically advanced, but I assume that’s how they do it. If there’s an easier way, I sure as hell don’t know about it. Mostly because nobody at the Jedi Council Forum meeting would help me. It’s called an Amiga 3000 and it’s a real fucking computer, assholes!

Thumbs NSFW:

Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer’s career-demolishing call girl has an eight-page spread in this month’s issue of Playboy magazine. But it’s not just nekkid pics — the spread (no pun intended) is accompanied by an in-depth (again, no pun intended) interview that offers an “exclusive glimpse into her early days as an escort and life post-Spitzer sex scandal.” The NY Daily News says

On Her First Experience with Prostitution:

“I was at a club one night, and a rich older guy said to me, ‘I’ll give you a thousand dollars if you come home with me.’ I was like, wow, a thousand dollars sounds good. But I was scared.”

On How She Was Perceived During the Eliot Spitzer Sex Scandal:

“Some people call me the girl who brought down the governor of New York, but in reality he brought me down.”

On What Her Future Holds:

“I love sex and I’m very good at it, but I’m saving that. That’s for my future boyfriend from now on. And it will be fabulous.”

Sure, you could pay the $5.99 to look at a spectacularly average Jersey girl photoshopped beyond recognition, or you could just click on the kittens and puppies below and see screen caps of her completely naked and masturbating with a giant pink dildo for Girls Gone Wild. I don’t want to give it away or anything, but the thumbnails are free. Perhaps Hugh Hefner still hasn’t heard about the internet.

In case I didn’t make it abundantly clear, these pictures are 100% NSFW:

The official video for Lady Gaga’s “Telephone” featuring Beyonce hit the interwebs today, and it’s big ol’ hot mess of “Kill Bill” meets “Thelma and Louise,” but without any of the kitsch that made either of those movies so endearing. Us Magazine says

The [video] opens with the pop diva being escorted into a women’s prison. Two gruff female guards throw her into a cell and strip off her clothes.

Gaga, with pasties on her breasts, sheer tights, and no underwear, throws herself up against the bars of the cell; the camera blurs out the X-rated view of the star’s genitals.

Quips a guard: “I told you she didn’t have a dick.”

As the video continues, Gaga breaks out of jail with the help of the “Pussy Wagon” from Kill Bill, teams up with a flirty, pouty-mouthed Beyonce, poisons a diner full of people.

The star [said] that she wanted the “Telephone” video to convey “the idea that America is full of young people that are inundated with information and technology and turn it into something that was more of a commentary on the kind of country that we are.”

I fail to see how cigarette eyeglasses and prison yard bitch fights and high-kicking diner chefs convey any sort of message about technology’s influence on American conventions, but I’m not a big faggot with pink hair and my own gossip blog. My hair is brown, thank you very much. That must make all the difference when you’re watching this video.

Screen caps from the video:

Demi Moore is the classic “cool mom” — dating a guy fifteen years her junior, wearing hip designer clothes, and publicly teaching her daughters how to strip at a Hollywood party. All my stupid mom ever did was make brownies. According to Page Six

Demi Moore gave daughter Rumer Willis a pole-dancing lesson at a party at the Chateau Marmont hotel. A partygoer [said] that the “Striptease” star “even spun around the pole upside down.” Then Rumer gave it a whirl as Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Aniston and Leonardo DiCaprio cheered her on. “Everyone was cheering, and Leo gave Ashton a high-five,” the source added.

I bet it was pretty easy for Rumer to swing around the pole once she really got going. When you’ve gathered up enough speed with a head that big, inertia kinda takes over and does its thing for you. There’s a lot of complex physics and kinematics involved in having a melon the size of Texas. If Einstein were still alive today, he’d probably have written a whole book about it.

Demi practicing her mothering skills in Striptease:

The official trailer for Iron Man 2 is finally here, and it’s chock-full of “Scarlett Johansson looking sexy while wearing a leopard-print bustier” and “Scarlett Johansson crushing a man with her thighs while wearing a neoprene bodysuit.” Not to mention Mickey Rourke and a whole army of evil Iron Men and massive explosions and Nicky Fury and the Avengers and ahhhhh thbbbbpfftt. Nope, I still can’t get through that trailer without blowing my load at least once. Prepare yourself for the din of a thousand fanboys collectively crying and apologizing at once, because it’s coming.

Click header for NSFW image

Daryl Hannah might be old enough to actually remember the Bay of Pigs and the debut of Mr. Ed on a three-channel television set, but damn if she doesn’t still look good naked. I always thought that chaining yourself to a tree was only good for making yourself victim of anal rape and sodomy, but apparently, it also does wonders for the physique. I’ll have to remember that the next time I’m wandering alone in the woods in Western Apalachicola.

With her clothes on at some hippie-dippy whale thing:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

You can’t expect much from the man who brought you Decepticon testicles and illiterate jive-talking robots, but rarely do so many lingerie-clad models and tons of explosives produce such a feeling of profound disappointment. Welcome to Michael Bay’s vision of the Victoria’s Secret commercial, where everything’s shot from the ankle up, the camera never stops moving, slow motion is king, and fire has just as much screen time as the boobs! I think it’s time someone finally takes this one-trick pony out back and shoots him.

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Just four days after she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit for battery and false imprisonment against ex-boyfriend Shawne Merriman, Tila Tequila publicly entered the realm of cuckoo bananas by ranting nude for hours in front of a webcam. Nine MSN says

The reality star’s antics included doing a striptease, waving a gun around, removing a tampon and masturbating in front of the camera.

She also took the opportunity to defend herself against all her haters.

“People call me an attention whore … or whatever,” she ranted. “But excuse me, I’m a grown ass woman and I’m confident in myself … I think a woman’s body is a beautiful thing … that’s why I’m a lesbian … I was born naked … anybody who is against that is gay and in denial.”

She later declared, “I am an angel … because I am here to save the world with my army.”

Unfortunately, you can’t watch Tila pull out her Tampax or rub the monkey anymore, because her lawyer went and pulled all the videos. According to TMZ

[Tila's attorney says] he thinks the domestic violence incident with Shawne in September may have “pushed her over the edge.”

[However, he] acknowledges something is seriously wrong with Tila and he’s trying to figure out how to get her some help.

Um, yeah. Bitch is completely fucking insane. She thinks she has an army? Please! You’d be lucky to find three dudes that still give a shit about her busted-ass implants, much less an entire army. If she were any more delusional, she’d be Kathy Lee Gifford.

A couple of screen caps from the video:

Are these pictures really stills from former Miss California Carrie Prejean’s sex tape? I don’t know, and frankly, this isn’t CNN. All I can tell you is that I found them on the internet and the internet told me it was her. If it’s fancy “fact-checking” and “source verification” you want, you might try iamahugefaggot.com instead.

Click the puppies for mega-NSFW masturbation action:

^{Video courtesy JoBlo}

This clip from Carmen Electra’s supposedly “leaked” sex tape features no boobies, no vaginas, and hardly any tongue at all. It’s real Rebecca Gayheart home video quality, let me tell you. I’m not going to come straight out and say it’s boring, but you should know I got a bigger boner watching “The Life Cycles of the Mealworm” while alphabetizing my sock drawer. And I don’t even have a penis. So counting this video, that makes two of us with absolutely no wieners at all.

Lots more screen caps after the jump

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