Oprah’s big secret will finally be revealed on her show today: she has a long-lost sister she never knew about until now! Think of all the hair pulling and eye-scratching that she missed out on over the years. I know I look back on it fondly. With my good eye. The Washington-Post says:

On her program, Oprah says she learned about half-sister Patricia last November. Winfrey made “home video” of her first meeting with her sister on Thanksgiving Day; she and Stedman Graham drove to Milwaukee to finally meet Patricia.

Winfrey says she was 9 years old and living with her father when her mother gave birth to Patricia and gave her up for adoption. Oprah never even knew her mother was pregnant.

On today’s show, you’re going to see Oprah and her Newly-In-November Discovered Half-Sister Patricia sit down with their mother, Vernita Lee, so Oprah can ask about Lee how she feels about being reunited with Patricia.

Well, this is great news for Oprah. Now she won’t have to rely on those expensive clones for replacement organs when the heart disease and diabetes finally set in. Sisters are a ready-made crop fresh for the harvest!

Eating her way through Australia earlier this month:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

How do I know that no one cares about Kate Moss anymore? Because she managed to get married two months ago without the paps knowing about it. Says CelebrityFIX,

Kate Moss reportedly tied the knot with her boyfriend Jamie Hince in a secret Italian ceremony two months ago.

The supermodel is believed to have married Hince in an intimate service with only her closest friends and relatives on the island of Sicily on August 7.

Kate, 36, wore a sheer white dress and went barefoot, while her eight-year-old daughter Lila-Grace was a ring bearer, The Mirror reports.

A source told the UK newspaper, “Kate’s had a fairly turbulent love life. But she’s a romantic at heart. The plans were kept very quiet as Kate wanted the day to be low-key and purely a celebration of their love.

“She’s never been one for convention or tradition, but Jamie’s been there for her through thick and thin, and she simply felt the time was right.

“They planned the day for weeks and were so excited. Kate didn’t want a stuffy, formal do, but something spiritual. Minutes after tying the knot, the giggling newlyweds were outside the church, dancing under trees. It was an incredibly happy day.”

Kate and Jamie have been dating on and off since 2007.

Well, if he wants to be contractually obligated to screw a corpse, more power to him. Fortunately she comes with her own supply of narcotics to take the edge off. He won’t even feel it when he fractures his pelvis!

Spotted leaving a pub in London:

The video for Seal’s new single “Secret” from his latest album Seal 6: Commitment was released online today, which features 47-year old Seal in nothing but his $21,500 Parmigiani watch. On the plus side, his supermodel wife Heidi Klum is also naked in the three-minute video. The NY Daily News says:

In the steamy video, the naked couple [caress] one another while frolicking together in bed.

Klum [said] that she and her husband didn’t have to do much acting for the project.

“It’s the story of two people in love,” the 37-year-old model said. “My husband is what I always wanted and never thought I would have.”

The couple also revealed they kept nude photos of themselves in the family bathroom.

“They see their parents naked all the time,” Klum told Us Magazine of her children. “We are not ashamed.”

She might not be ashamed, but I sure as hell was. I haven’t felt that much abject discomfort after seeing something since I was forced to watch Michael Bolton’s jive on Dancing with the Stars. I couldn’t help but squirm all the way through it.

Screen grabs from the video here; watch Bolton shame-ify himself on DWTS after the jump:

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Lindsay Lohan was photographed going into Leonardo DiCaprio’s house late Saturday night, refueling rumors that the two of them might be having a fling. Back in February of this year, Rush and Molloy said

Lindsay Lohan was working her charms [on] Leonardo DiCaprio Tuesday night at a West Hollywood club. Lohan made her way over to the table where Leo was partying with Kevin Connolly and Lukas Haas. “She was very flirty with Leo,” says our spy.

If it’s true, then Leo went from tapping supermodel kitty like this and this to a big ol’ pile of genital slop that’s housed more penis than Andy Dick at a Village People convention. That’s like trading in your Porsche for a monkey-drawn wheel barrow and your yacht for an inner tube mounted with an oscillating fan. Welcome to rock bottom, Leonardo DiCaprio. Some of us have been living here most of our adult life.

Hiding her face arriving at Leo’s house — and hiding it again on the way out Sunday morning:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

It’s been one week since their divorce was finalized, so of course Amy Winehouse and ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil are now secretly dating again. The two met up at a bar (surprise, surprise) on Friday before Blake burrowed his way through the back window of her home the next day. The News of the World says

The singer later decided to ask Blake back to her place – but had to sneak him past her security first.

“Amy has two full-time security men at her house,” said the friend. “They were under strict instruction not to let Blake in. But Amy wasn’t having any of it, so she got him in through a back window so they could have some private time together.

Blake spent part of the night in… Amy’s bedroom. She’s being very secretive about it but we know he was there.”

The pal added: “He wants to be with her, he’s in love with her, he’s convinced they’re still meant to be together. Despite everything she’s said about him over the last couple of weeks, deep down she feels the same way.”

Oh, it’s just like Romeo and Juliet, isn’t it? If “Romeo” meant “dog” and “Juliet” meant “to its own vomit.” Someone should really bust out the iambic pentameter and write a play about it.

Amy headed to — where else? — court last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Ashlee Simpson is all set to get married to boyfriend Pete Wentz this weekend. Squeal! Us Weekly says

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a “top secret” location. “Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice.” On Saturday, “all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location.”

In lieu of cash, you could probably just send the happy couple boxes of tampons and Lady Bics. You know, something they can both use for years to come!

Ashlee with friends in L.A. on Sunday: