Sienna Miller attended the Lancel Dinner on the Champ-Elysees in Paris Thursday night in what appeared in the thumbnails to be a sexy see-through lace dress. It wasn’t till I’d already paid for the pics and uploaded them that I realized it had one of those stupid nude pantyhose liners and you couldn’t see shit. I don’t know who was more disappointed — me, when I didn’t see any nipples, or your parents, when you weren’t a stillborn. Sorry, that’s just the holiday rage talking again. Be glad you’re out of range of my pepper spray.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I appreciate the whole see-through thing Blake Lively was going for at last night’s 100th Episode Celebration of “Gossip Girl” (really? a hundred?), but that dress is just awful. The only way you’re pulling off a see-through aquatic-themed tasseled gown is if you’re name is Johnny Weir.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Unretouched photographs of Madonna topless in a hotel room taken during a December 2008 shoot for W Magazine leaked online yesterday, and Madonna has been frantically unleashing her attorneys to snatch them up as quickly as they appear (click on the header to see the only one I could still currently find). The Daily Mail says:

The unflattering shots [show] the 53-year-old singer – then aged 50 – in a series of unladylike positions wearing a see-through bra and a black thong.

In one she is sat with her legs apart while slumped on the sofa in her underwear.

The blonde wig she was wearing is off-center.

In another shot, Madge is seen topless facing a mirror as she changes into an outfit.

Three months after the shoot, fashion bible W Magazine published a 46-page spread of rather more flattering, touched-up photographs of the singer in its March 2009 edition.

I’m not too bummed about not finding the rest of the pics because frankly, I don’t want to get an eyeful of Madonna’s leathery old bat cave. If I’m staring down into the gaping maw of hell, it better be because it’s Judgement Day and the rapture is nigh, not because I voluntarily looked at pictures of an old person’s puss.

Lady Gaga left her London hotel for the ITV studios today wearing a see-through dress and what appeared to be a pair of Mr. Potato Head glasses that a giant dog worked over for thirty minutes. On the plus side, though, the glasses help keep you from noticing her tits right away. It’s like someone filled two stretched-out old gym socks full of vanilla pudding and draped them over her shoulders.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Attention Madonna: see-through pants only work if you’re a genie or a gay pirate. Otherwise, it just looks stupid. A nice magic lamp or bejeweled peg-leg would have really pulled the whole look together.

In NYC yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I know the stupid Teen Choice Awards were last night, but it’s too early and I’m too hungover to talk about that shit yet, so let’s just look at these nice pics of Rihanna in her Bob Marley swimsuit instead. I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out if she had four-inch-long labia or if that was just the folds of Bob’s collar in her crotch. If you stare at it long enough, you can kinda get lost in the moment where one becomes the other becomes the other again. It’s like Salvador Dali’s “Halluciongenic Toreador” if it were made out of camel toes.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

This may be the best marketing campaign Starbucks has ever had.

The only thing better than one Rosie Huntington-Whiteley post in a day is two Rosie Huntington-Whiteley posts in a day, and the only thing better than two Rosie Huntington-Whiteley posts in one day is three Rosie Huntington-Whiteley posts in one day, and so on and so forth with awesomeness x increasingly exponentially with the addition of each Rosie Huntington-Whiteley post. See, math CAN be fun! Algebra teachers just need to incorporate more boobs.

In the July issue of German FHM:

Alessandra Ambrosio is definitely selling something in this shoot — denim, maybe, or possibly beer or men’s deodorant — but one thing that she’s not hawking is a bra. Because she’s not wearing one. I’ll be honest, that’s about as far as I got.

Khloe Kardashian made the mistake of wearing a see-through shirt and no bra when she went on Fox & Friends with sister Kourtney this morning, and of course the inevitable happened: she slipped a nip on live TV (Fox has since pulled the video). But according to my copy of “Hog-Farming for Beginners,” pigs have anywhere from eight to twelve nipples, so one of Khloe’s teats was bound to pop out sooner or later. I just hope this doesn’t mean we get another six weeks of winter.

Rihanna’s latest video “Man Down” has stirred up all kinds of controversy in the last two days, but I’m just now getting around to it because it contained absolutely no naked Blake Lively photos. You see my dilemma. TMZ says:

The Parents Television Council is blasting Rihanna for hawking a “cold, calculated execution of murder” in her brand new music video for “Man Down.”

The council is outraged that Rihanna would suggest that gunning down a rapist in a crowded train station is a proper form of justice.

The PTC is all the more outraged that Rihanna tweeted her fans that the video contained, “a very strong underlying message 4 girls like me.”

Rihanna responded to the criticism yesterday with a series of tweets absolving herself of any wrongdoing in that she is a “rockstar” making “art,” not a parent. Her words, not mine. The Daily Mail says:

Rihanna has defended her controversial new music video Man Down, insisting ‘this is the real world’.

‘I’m a 23 year old rockstar with NO KIDS! What’s up with everybody wanting me to be a parent? I’m just a girl, I can only be your/our voice!’ she wrote.

‘The music industry isn’t exactly Parents R Us! We have the freedom to make art, LET US! Its your job to make sure they don’t turn out like US.’

Women are brutalized and exploited in music videos all the damn time, so I don’t see how a music video in which a girl brings down a little vigilante justice is such a big deal. If we’re gonna air grievances about the video, why don’t we start with the fact that the song sounds like a crappy Bob Marley cover band doing a ripoff of Aerosmith’s Janie Got a Gun with a little help from the Little Drummer Boy from the classic Christmas carol. Rum-pa-pa-pum? And I said it before, but it merits mentioning again — the video is sorely lacking in the Blake Lively nipple department. Ultimately, I think that’s where our real problem lies.

But it’s not short in the Rihanna nipple department, because she’s completely see-through in these screen grabs from the video:

As part of her court-ordered 480 hours of community service, Lindsay Lohan attended an orientation at the Downtown Women’s Center in Los Angeles yesterday. She made a point to be sensitive to the homeless and abused women living there by not wearing a bra under her completely see-through shirt, because it’s well-known fact that bras are the number one threat to victimized women today. The media would have you believe it’s poverty or lack of education or Chris Brown, but that’s simply not the case. In fact, the foundation undergarment industry is responsible for more deaths than improperly fitted ax handles, rabies and spontaneous combustion combined.*

^{*LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Statistics may have sampling error of plus or minus 2 percent, or may have been made up entirely according to the author’s purpose. Restrictions apply; results may vary.}

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures