Selena Gomez has gushed like a stupid twat of a schoolgirl how she likes to smell good for “boyfriend” Justin Bieber. God, I hate teenagers. There’s nothing that makes me act like a crotchety old broad than giggly girls. Says Digital Spy,

Selena Gomez has said that smelling good for boyfriend Justin Bieber is important.

The Wizards of Waverly Place actress will debut her new self-titled fragrance in early 2012 and has promised that the scent will truly capture her essence.

“My perfume, right now, I want it to be really romantic. I want it to be sweet and sophisticated,” she revealed to Access Hollywood.

Gomez then revealed that she likes to use a variety of scents to entice boyfriend Bieber.

“To be honest, that’s what every girl thinks – that they want to smell good for the boy they like at school or for a crush,” the young star explained. “That’s what the main thing is.”

Gomez has invited her fans to help select the scents for her new perfume by voting on her website.

It’s amazing the scents they can synthesize these days in a laboratory. I’m sure it was really difficult to develop that perfect scent for Bieber. There’s all sorts of nuances to the smell of the underside of a man’s balls.

Shots from the photoshoot for her perfume:

Somebody needs to tell Justin Bieber he really needs to lay off the Brylcreem and the eyebrow pencil before he hits the red carpet. Ugh. It’s what Hilary Swank would look like as a gay Ricky Ricardo.

With girlfriend Selena Gomez at the American Music Awards last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

19-year old Mariah Yeater filed papers in court yesterday alleging that she had sex with 17-year-old Justin Bieber after his October 25th concert in Los Angeles, and now she wants him to take a paternity test to “scientifically confirm” he is the father of her three-month-old son. So Justin doesn’t have pubes, but he has a son. Yeah, right. Adding to the drama is the fact that he’s been dating Disney starlet Selena Gomez this whole time. The Daily Mail says:

In an affidavit, [Yeater] allegedly said a security guard working for Bieber approached her and ‘asked if I wanted to meet Justin Bieber’ backstage.

‘Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.

‘He told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.’

She said he led her to a bathroom where ‘immediately his personality changed drastically’.

She allegedly claimed: ‘I asked him to put a condom on for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.’

In court papers filed on Monday, she is also demanding Bieber ‘provide adequate support for my baby’.

Californian Yeater also claims that her sexual encounter with Bieber was ‘brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds’.

Justin Bieber is a one-pump chump? That sounds about right. Everyone’s awful at sex when they’re seventeen. All the awkward fumbling and poking and prodding. It’s almost like being examined by a vet.

Girlfriend Selena Gomez at The Fulfillment Fund’s 2011 Stars Gala November 1st:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

19-year old Disney starlet Selena Gomez was granted a restraining order against 46-year old Thomas Brodnicki earlier this week after he allegedly stalked her across the country and threatened to kill her. I guess I’m not the only one who hates “Wizards of Waverly Place.” The Daily Mail says:

Brodnicki, 46, has a history of mental illness as well as a criminal record. Brodnicki told a psychiatrist he had conversations with God and entertained thoughts of killing the star.

Brodnicki is also accused of traveling to Los Angeles from Chicago three times to try to meet the 19-year-old at her workplace.

He reportedly told doctors his bizarre thoughts while he was being held for psychiatric observation for threatening people on the street, saying he would scratch their eyes out.

Brodnicki also has a history of stalking women, receiving a sentence for three years in prison for cyber stalking.

I know he’s lying about that whole “conversations with God” bit, because if God wanted any Disney star dead, it would have been Miley Cyrus by a long shot. Fact.

At the world premiere of the Thriller The Thing at Universal Studios last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

After being inspired by the Adam Sandler masterpiece “Mr. Deeds,” teen shartthrob Justin Bieber decided to surprise Disney-approved beard girlfriend Selena Gomez by renting out the Staples Center for a private viewing of “Titanic.” I’m still reeling from the “Mr. Deeds” part. Us Magazine says:

Bieber, 17, whisked Gomez, 18, to the nearby Staples Center via underground tunnel.

The teen supercouple arrived at the empty, 20,000-seat arena, where they lights had been dimmed; on the court floor was a table set for two with candles.

After the meal, the couple enjoyed a private screening of Titanic. (The singer apparently got the idea from the Adam Sandler flick Mr. Deeds, in which Sandler’s character surprises his girlfriend with a similar gesture at NYC’s Madison Square Garden.)

“Romance isn’t dead,” Bieber Tweeted that night. “Treat your lady right fellas.”

If there’s one thing I can’t get enough of, it’s sage romantic advice from a kid without pubes wearing a pork-pie hat. More pubeless pork-pie, I say. It’s probably all that’s been lacking in your life until now.

Taking a dry humpers’ walk at the beach; more of Selena after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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At first I thought this was Hilary Swank during her “Boys Don’t Cry” phase, but it turns out it’s actually teen heartthrob Justin Bieber posing with his girlfriend Selena Gomez as the new Brangelina. The Daily Mail says:

The young couple are seen posing with six babies in a new snap, which Bieber posted on his Instagram account.

The family portrait is however a joke, as the picture was captioned ‘Brangelina 2.0 hahahahahaha.’

Well, it’s like my grandpa said: if he keeps messing around with Mexicans, that picture’s gonna be a reality one day. Consider yourself warned, Bieber.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

A mostly-naked Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have been immortalized in bronze and deemed “a 21st Century Adam and Eve” in a new statue created by the same artistic visionary behind “Britney Spears Giving Birth” and “Suri Cruise First Poop.” The Daily Mail says:

Titled Justin and Selena as One, it depicts the teenagers almost entirely nude, with a Canadian maple leaf and a Texas lone star covering their most intimate parts.

Together, they have three legs, sharing Selena’s right leg as she appears to lead the younger Justin toward ‘Eden.’

The couple are being led by an amorous Canada goose and Texas armadillo.

Artist Daniel Edwards said his creation ‘should be considered for installation at Canadian Embassies around the globe as a symbol of Canada’s prowess in the areas of art and commerce.’

Yes, because nothing says “welcome to Canada” like avian rape. And I don’t know what Edwards was thinking making Texas the submissive. It’s almost like he has no credentials or talent at all.

Brooke Burke in a bikini, because you don’t want to see that statue from any other angle:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Regular old teenagers are bad enough, but there’s nothing worse than a celebrity teenager. I hate celebrity teenagers with the fiery intensity of a thousands sun. The self-important twatterdom that comes with adolescence is so much worse once it’s been imbued with a sense of entitlement. Also, their music totally sucks. As do their award shows. The Daily Mail says:

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez put rumors of a split to bed last night as they shared a kiss inside the Teen Choice Awards ceremony in Los Angeles.

Selena, 19, won trophies for TV actress, female hottie and music group with her band The Scene.

[Justin] picked up four surfboard-shaped trophies as choice male music artist, male hottie, twit and TV villain for his ‘CSI’ guest starring role.

Teen’s choice for favorite movie was “Fast Five” and their favorite romantic comedy was Ashton Kutcher’s “No Strings Attached.” “Gossip Girl” and “The Vampire Diaries” are their favorite TV shows. It reads exactly like a page from the channel guide in the seventh circle of hell.

Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato, Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black and Avril Lavigne here; complete list of winners after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Selena Gomez was hospitalized late Thursday evening for “nausea and headache” and then pulled out of a promotional appearance for her new film the following day, leading everyone to speculate that she was knocked up and getting one of those quickie abortions so popular with actresses and socialites these days. TMZ says:

Gomez has undergone a number of tests for blood pressure issues, but so far, doctors have not been able to determine what is causing the problem.

As for the rumors going around she’s pregnant … totally untrue.

Honestly, it never even crossed my mind that she might be pregnant. Don’t you need balls to knock a girl up? You’ve seen Justin Bieber, right? The only time the words “Justin Bieber’s” and “got a girl pregnant” will be in the same sentence is if they’re separated by the words “35-year old swagger coach.”

The most insignificant of all the movie award shows aired on MTV last night, complete with its usual fare of predictable hijinx and zany shenanigans. Like Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake grabbing each others’ naughty bits in a bid to prove that their relationship was strictly platonic (LOL!). Or Robert Pattinson mouth-kissing his Twilight co-star Taylor Lautner (OMG)! Or a celebrity mash-up Hangover parody with host Jason Sudeikis (ROTFLMAO)! The only part of the night that was even remotely funny was when Reese Witherspoon burned nekkid-picture-taker Blake Lively. The Daily Mail says:

During her acceptance speech, Reese addressed the industry’s younger actresses. ‘It’s possible to make it in Hollywood without a reality show,’ she said.

And in a surprising direct dig at Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively, she said: ‘And if you take naked pictures of yourself with your cell phone, you hide your face.’

In other less interesting news, the god-awful “Twilight: Eclipse” won Best Movie, Best Male Performance (Robert Pattinson), Best Female Performance (Kristen Stewart), Best Kiss (Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart), and Best Fight Scene (Robert Pattinson vs. Bryce Dallas Howard and Xavier Samuel); some chick from the comparably shitty “Kick-Ass” took home Best Breakout Star and Biggest Badass Star; and last, but certainly not least, was Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never,” which claimed Best Jaw-Dropping Moment. I assume that references the aghast disbelief that inevitably leaves one’s mouth agape when one finds out that “Never Say Never” grossed $73 million domestically and another $25 mil overseas. To put that in perspective, that’s more than the gross national product of Sao Tome and Principe and Somalia combined. Granted, the 7-11 down the street probably grosses more than Sao Tome and Principe and Somalia combined, but it’s really the principle of it all. That principle being, “This generation sucks donkey balls.”

LOTS more pics after the jump:

Brooklyn Decker:

Emma Stone:

Jessica Szohr:

Kristen Stewart:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Here’s closet homo Justin Bieber with beard Selena Gomez, doing things that young lovers would normally do. You know, kissing, touching, mounting, and definitely not picturing Selena as a pretty young boy to help him get through his charade.  You do what you have to in order to get through your day, you know? That’s why I’ve been drinking since 6 am. Vodka counts as a breakfast item as long as you add a little orange juice, am I right?

Rapper Eminem and teenybopper puke Justin Bieber were the big winners at last night’s Billboard Music Awards, each taking homo home six different awards for their insufferable “contributions” to music. People Magazine says:

Taylor Swift was the first winner of the night at Sunday’s 2011 Billboard Music Awards, where she was named 200 Album Artist of the Year and Country Artist of the Year.

Justin Bieber was a triple winner, as Digital Artist of the Year, Top New Artist and Fan Favoritez, while Britney Spears [was awarded] Female Artist of the Year.

Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” was named Top Hot 100 Song. Lady Antebellum took Country Song of the Year, [and] the Black Eyed Peas were the Top Duo/Group.

After reading the complete list of winners, I have never been so grateful to have been a teenager during the forefront of the grunge movement. The mid-nineties were a magical time, a time when musicians actually played instruments and sang without autotune and digital masking and rappers were still black and didn’t collaborate with the likes of Katy Perry and Big Time Rush. Look for it only in books, for it is no more than a dream remembered, a musical era gone with the wind.

Rihanna, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift after the jump:

Selena Gomez:

Fergie:

Kesha:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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