TMZ first broke the news over the weekend, but Heidi Klum and Seal confirmed yesterday that they are separating after seven years of marriage and four children together. They said in a statement to People Magazine:

“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate.

We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition.

We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children’s sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy.

The first thing that came out of my mouth when I heard this was “WHAT?!” followed promptly by a “WHY?” and then “Who the fuck drank all my bourbon?” The Daily Mail offers some insight into the split, saying:

Heidi Klum is divorcing her husband Seal because of his hard partying.

A source told the Sunday Mirror: ‘When they had their holiday in Ibiza last summer, Seal hit it hard, was out at clubs and with his friends a lot and Heidi was left with their kids trying to enjoy herself. The cracks were appearing and everybody was talking during that trip. He seemed off the rails.’

I have to say, this genuinely surprised and disappointed me. They seemed like they really had it figured out. Sometimes couples just hit a rough patch, I guess. This must have been the first time the rough patch wasn’t just Seal’s face. Seriously, the guy looks like he was put together with a goddamn weed-eater.

Heidi Klum in Digital Magazine before the dark times:

Bust out your Axe Body Spray and your Ben-Gay, because 62-year old Academy Award winner Jessica Lange is a single woman again, fellas! I guess Sam Shepard DIDN’T have the right stuff after all. Get it? The right stuff? Because he was in “The Right Stuff?” Well, I hate you, too. The People Magazine says:

Actress Jessica Lange and her longtime partner, playwright and actor Sam Shepard, ended their relationship almost two years ago.

The couple, who have been together since 1982, have two children, Hannah and Samuel, together.

“They both are pursuing independent lives,” says a source.

This just tells you exactly how exciting a day this has been in the gossip world. Some old people nobody cares about broke up two years ago. Unless, of course, you’re one of their two kids reading this, is which case you probably do care. Further bulletins as event warrant!

In Touch Weekly claimed this morning that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith’s thirteen year marriage had hit the skids, but like a Scientologist and his latent homosexuality, Smith’s rep quickly denied the claims. Radar Online says:

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith have not separated, [according to] a family member who did not want to be identified.

“No way are they splitting up. They are totally together and are not separating,” the family member said.

A separate source that works very closely with Smith at his production company [added]: “The rumors are not true. Not sure who the source was but they are wrong. All is good in their relationship.”

Will Smith hasn’t offered his own statement yet, but if he did, I bet it would be something like, “It’s obvious the wogs at In Touch at the mercy of their own reactive minds. They have no regard for the sort of ARC break entheta like this can cause. Word to your mother!” followed by a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air spin and hat tilt.

Rihanna in a bikini, because — God, do you need a reason for EVERYTHING?:

Arnold Schwarzenegger and wife Maria Shriver shocked the world this morning when they announced that they had separated after 25 years of marriage. The couple said in a joint statement:

“After a great deal of thought, reflection, discussion and prayer, we came to this decision together. At this time, we are living apart while we work on the future of our relationship.

We are continuing to parent our four children together. They are the light and center of both of our lives.

We consider this a private matter and neither we nor any of our friends or family will have further comment.”

I was gonna say something like, “Well, I guess he won’t be back” and call him the DIvorceantor, but then I thought it would just make you hate me more than you already do. So instead I just posted these pictures of Julianne Hough in a bikini. Hasta la vista, bad Terminator puns!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

After just two years together, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have decided to end their boring marriage. They released the following statement (via Us Magazine) today:

“After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

So what went wrong, exactly? And who started it? Us Magazine says:

[It was] Johansson [who] initiated the split. At issue? “The big problem with their relationship is the distance,” says the source. “They spent a lot of time apart when they are working… She’s been unhappy for a while.”

“They are being very civil about it,” the source [adds] of the pair, noting that the spouses separated about two weeks ago.

I honestly don’t know why celebrities even bother getting married in the first place. They’d have a better chance at beating Street Fighter II with Ryu and Ken getting straight “perfects” all the way. Like that would ever happen!

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

“Dexter” co-stars Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter are divorcing after two whole years of marriage together. Access Hollywood says:

According to a person very close to the production, the real life husband and wife, who play brother and sister Dexter & Deborah Morgan on the hit Showtime show, haven’t been getting along on set all season and that it’s widely known an official separation announcement is imminent.

In fact… Carpenter was going around the set talking about the couple’s problems during the course of the show’s production.

The rest of the show’s cast are very worried about how the two of them are going to work as closely together on set next season as they’re usually required to do.

[Sources claim] Carpenter will file divorce papers this week.

Look, brothers and sisters fight. That’s just what they do. That’s probably why sibling marriage isn’t more popular. Plus having to saw the tail off your offspring when it’s born. Most insurance plans don’t cover that.

Michael C. Hall on Letterman:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Actress and model Elizabeth Hurley’s three-year marriage to textile heir billionaire Arun Nayar has come to an untimely demise amid reports that she’s diddling a famous cricketer, or “cricket player” to the layperson. As mutually exclusive as the words “playing cricket” and “lay” might seem. Radar Online says:

Hurley 45, Tweeted Sunday: “Not a great day. For the record, my husband Arun and I separated a few months ago. Our close family & friends were aware of this.”

Hurley’s Tweet comes on the heels of Britain’s News Of The World story alleging the actress is having an affair with cricketer Shane Warne. The newspaper has pictures and even explosive video of the two kissing, and says that they spent the night together Wednesday at London’s Bentley Hotel.

I’m sure Arun will be crying into his fleet of yachts and summer homes every night, with naught but liquid capital and long-term assets and a consortium of drug dealers and underage models to comfort him. Elizabeth Hurley is a fucking idiot.

Elizabeth Hurley’s rack — a retrospective:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

She might be GQ’s Babe of the Year and he might be People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, but Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are reportedly on the verge of splitting up. Gatecrasher says:

A source close to the [couple] says they are working through relationship “troubles” caused primarily by work schedules that keep them apart.

The couple’s tribulations may be the reason Reynolds did not make a cameo on “Saturday Night Live” when his wife hosted the show last weekend.

In October 2009, Johansson put in a surprise “SNL” appearance when Reynolds was the show’s guest host. Though we hear producers were interested in having the upcoming “Green Lantern” star make a similar cameo, Reynolds declined.

I forgot he had that stupid Green Lantern movie coming out. Ugh. Well, no wonder she doesn’t want anything to do with him. The Green Lantern sucks. I’d rather watch a movie about Matter Eater Lad or the adventures of Aquaman and the Blue fucking Beetle. At least those guys never came back as a preachy ghost after they tried to destroy the damn cosmos.

Scarlett for Mango (1-7) and Dolce & Gabbana (8-10):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

After three years of marriage, Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are officially separating at their respective douchenozzles. Us Weekly says

“She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on,” a source [says] adding that Lavigne, 25, forced him out of their $9.5 million [Bel Air] estate. “Divorce papers will be filed any day now.”

Whibley, 29, “is crushed,” adds another insider.

It’s not exactly shocking when two poser douchebags’ sham of a marriage dissolves like so many mushy turds on the follow-up flush. And speaking of turds, I’d like to take this opportunity to state that I’ve had farts with more dimension and depth than any of Avril’s crappy songs. Arista might really want to look into my asshole. It might be the next Sk8r Boi sensation!

UPDATE: Avril just confirmed the split on her website.

Promoting her Abbey Dawn line:

Jon and Kate Gosselin announced on their hit TLC reality show “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ yesterday that they are “separating.” Didn’t see that one coming, did ya? Us Weekly says

“Kate and I have decided to separate,” Jon announced, calling Monday’s episode his “hardest” show ever. “It’s just not good for us to be arguing in front of our kids.”

Jon said he doesn’t know if he’ll remain on the show.

But Kate said, “The show must go on. I will continue to be here, be with the kids, do the same things I’ve always done with them.”

Let me get this straight here… you’re saying that inviting a camera crew and a legion of television producers into your home is NOT good for your marriage? Jesus H. Christ! What, I suppose “including the neighbors in group sex sessions” and “beating your significant other with a shoe horn” aren’t good for family cohesiveness, either? My God. It’s like I just don’t know what to believe anymore.

60-year old singer Billy Joel and third wife Katie Lee, 27, are getting a divorce. The Examiner says

Joel’s rep said: “After nearly five years of marriage Billy Joel & Katie Lee Joel have decided to separate. This decision is a result of much thoughtful consideration. Billy & Katie remain caring friends with admiration and respect for each other.

But of course, there’s more to all this than mutual admiration and eternal pledges of friendship:

The 60-year-old singer has been jealous of his wife’s relationship with another man.

Is anyone really surprised by this? Here’s a beautiful woman entering her sexual prime, and he’s a goblin with old man penis. A rich goblin with old man penis, yes, but still a goblin with old man penis nonetheless. Too bad you can’t diddle a woman with your bank account.

Katie in a bikini and at some fancy party: