After three years of marriage, Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are officially separating at their respective douchenozzles. Us Weekly says

“She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on,” a source [says] adding that Lavigne, 25, forced him out of their $9.5 million [Bel Air] estate. “Divorce papers will be filed any day now.”

Whibley, 29, “is crushed,” adds another insider.

It’s not exactly shocking when two poser douchebags’ sham of a marriage dissolves like so many mushy turds on the follow-up flush. And speaking of turds, I’d like to take this opportunity to state that I’ve had farts with more dimension and depth than any of Avril’s crappy songs. Arista might really want to look into my asshole. It might be the next Sk8r Boi sensation!

UPDATE: Avril just confirmed the split on her website.

Promoting her Abbey Dawn line:

Jon and Kate Gosselin announced on their hit TLC reality show “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ yesterday that they are “separating.” Didn’t see that one coming, did ya? Us Weekly says

“Kate and I have decided to separate,” Jon announced, calling Monday’s episode his “hardest” show ever. “It’s just not good for us to be arguing in front of our kids.”

Jon said he doesn’t know if he’ll remain on the show.

But Kate said, “The show must go on. I will continue to be here, be with the kids, do the same things I’ve always done with them.”

Let me get this straight here… you’re saying that inviting a camera crew and a legion of television producers into your home is NOT good for your marriage? Jesus H. Christ! What, I suppose “including the neighbors in group sex sessions” and “beating your significant other with a shoe horn” aren’t good for family cohesiveness, either? My God. It’s like I just don’t know what to believe anymore.

60-year old singer Billy Joel and third wife Katie Lee, 27, are getting a divorce. The Examiner says

Joel’s rep said: “After nearly five years of marriage Billy Joel & Katie Lee Joel have decided to separate. This decision is a result of much thoughtful consideration. Billy & Katie remain caring friends with admiration and respect for each other.

But of course, there’s more to all this than mutual admiration and eternal pledges of friendship:

The 60-year-old singer has been jealous of his wife’s relationship with another man.

Is anyone really surprised by this? Here’s a beautiful woman entering her sexual prime, and he’s a goblin with old man penis. A rich goblin with old man penis, yes, but still a goblin with old man penis nonetheless. Too bad you can’t diddle a woman with your bank account.

Katie in a bikini and at some fancy party: