You better not ever, ever make fun of Kate Winslet, or she’ll go and sue you for forty grand and somehow win. The technical legal term for said phenomenon is “crybaby puss.” According to Us Magazine

On Tuesday London’s High Court awarded the actress 25,000 British pounds (about $40,000 in American currency) in libel damages from the Daily Mail [for their] January article entitled “Should Kate Winslet win an Oscar for the world’s most irritating actress?” which she said “hurt and embarrassed” her. [The article also] claimed that Winslet, 34, lied about her exercise routine.

In a statement, Winslet said, “I was particularly upset to be accused of lying about my exercise regime and felt that I had a responsibility to request an apology in order to demonstrate my commitment to the views that I have always expressed about body issues, including diet and exercise. To suggest that I was lying was an unacceptable accusation of hypocrisy.”

Back in grade school, we had the remedy for this sort of tattletale-type behavior. It was called “the purple nurple” and “the swirly.” Too bad she’s no longer bound by the rules of afternoon recess.

Kelly Brook topless in her debut performance in “Calendar Girls,” because we’ve already seen (NSFW) Kate Winslet’s tits, and frankly, (NSFW) they’re disgusting:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Hi guys and dolls, it’s Sonya and I’ll be your writer today. Speaking of guys, Guy Ritchie’s future looks noticeably brighter–hell, anything would probably look a lot less depressing after being married to barracuda Madonna. He won’t have to put up with being scheduled in for “sex”, or have her blaming him for drinking up all the Ripped Fuel, or have to wake up to a penis in the small of his back. Divorce never sounded so sweet! The Mirror reports,

Guy Ritchie was celebrating last night after it was revealed he and Madonna will be divorced today.

The film director blurted out “Thank God” when told of the quickie hearing in London. Guy, who will receive none of the singer’s £300million fortune, made clear his only concern was the children.

He added: “It dragged on much too long. It was never ever about money.”

Friends revealed last night that the star offered him £10million and he turned it down flat.

Guy, 40, said last night: “It was never about money – never about her bloody art collection. I just wanted to settle it and move on.”

He added: “I didn’t raise any objections at any stage until she insisted the children lived permanently in New York.”

The couple have been at war almost constantly since the Mirror exclusively broke the news five months ago that their seven-year marriage had become a sham.

Have a pint for me, Guy!

Although her rep is denying it, reports have surfaced that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have already reached a settlement in their divorce proceedings. The Daily Mail says

Madonna will give Guy Ritchie just [$20 million]. Guy has agreed to a gagging clause that will prevent him from ever talking about their marriage. He will have full access to their sons, eight-year-old Rocco and adopted David Banda, three. Guy will own Ashcombe House, their 1,200 acre [$20 million] estate in Wiltshire, while Madonna will keep the couple’s [$14 million] townhouse in central London.

I know you’re all dying to know what it was that drove the once-happy couple apart. The veritable “straw that broke the camel’s toe,” if you will. Well, the NY Daily News claims

Madonna’s obsession with maintaining a perfect body was one of the factors behind her split. Madonna’s personal habits “include having a live-in trainer, and going to sleep slathered in $800 cream and wrapped in plastic.”

The Daily Mail adds

Her insistence on sticking to a grueling four-hour exercise routine has been blamed for destroying the pair’s marriage. The strict regime reportedly meant the couple went for 18 months without making love. When they did find time to make love, it was like ‘cuddling up to a piece of gristle’, Ritchie told friends.

The other insurmountable issue plaguing their marriage? Her devotion to Kabbalah, which Ritchie thought was a bunch of hogwash. Cue New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez:

‘Alex is bewitched by her. She… has offered him a pathway to happiness and enlightenment through Kabbalah. He has turned to Kabbalah to please her. He became obsessed with her about a year ago when she introduced him to Kabbalah, he has since donated millions of dollars to the center. He showers her with compliments and makes her feel young, which Guy never did. He’s hispanic and totally her type.’

Just how much “her type” is he, exactly? Um, this much:

Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez. A friend said: ‘She thinks he’s physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.’

Nothin’ gets a man’s motor runnin’ like the sight of a 50 year-old woman slathered in pureed placenta and basting under a humidifier. I bet it looks and smells just like a botched abortion magically come to life. Who needs a swimsuit edition when you’ve got stem cells and saran wrap? Sports Illustrated can suck it!

With reports of Madonna’s and Guy Ritchie’s divorce now confirmed amid rumors of a lack of a prenup, everybody’s wondering just how much money Madonna’s going to end up losing in the settlement. Well, all I can say is it’s a good thing she’s so limber, because I have a feeling she’s going to be spending a lot of time gripping the backs of her knees to maximize penetration. The Daily Mail says

A divorce settlement could potentially leave film director Guy pocketing up to [$300] million — the costliest in showbusiness history.

Madonna, 50, is one of the world’s richest women, with an estimated fortune of [$600] million. Ritchie has his own independent wealth but it comes nowhere near his wife’s.

She might have to cough up three hundred mil, but at least Madonna’s stylist isn’t going anywhere. “Goldendoodle spiral perm” is the unequivocal property of one Madonna Ciccone! And, um, Lindsay Lohan, apparently. And Whitesnake and Denise Huxtable and the years 1989 to 1992. Well, if he doesn’t nab it in the settlement, at least the cone bra will come in handy for catching her many impotent tears.

Lindsay at the Filth and Wisdom premiere in L.A. Monday night: