Thousands of women and gay men gathered outside Leicester Square for “Sex and the City’s” London premiere yesterday. The big buzz, of course, was Sarah Jessica Parker’s hideous hat, which served as a welcome distraction from decidedly mixed reviews of the film. The Times of London says

“There may be a problem with a film when a narrator constantly tells you the meaning of what you have just seen. There may be a problem with stretching Sex and the City into a two hour and twenty minute film - it can feel like a never ending dinner party: however pleasant the courses, after a while you can hardly eat another one.”

But of the hat:

Parker topped her custom “pistachio prom-style” Alexander McQueen dress with a made-for-her hat from legendary designer Philip Treacy. Parker’s piece included butterflies, a giant lime-hued rose, some greenery and an acorn top.

All the hat was missing was a mischievous squirrel who pops out at regulated intervals while Benny Hill zips around on a tiny bicycle to campy theme music. That’s probably all the movie was missing, too. You can never have too many impish rodents in a movie, I always say. I also say “God’s wounds!” and “Galatiriel’s beard!” from time to time, but they don’t really apply here. It’s best to save those kind of spirited exclamations for a round of mead at ye old tavern or an online chat with your coven. Frolicsome squirrels, on the other hand, are always comedy gold.¹ You can quote me on that one.

¹_{“Caddyshack,” anyone?}

An explicit photo of what is believed to be “Sex and the City” star Kristin Davis tongue-bathing some fat guy’s wiener made its way online yesterday. The source of the photo claims the picture is actually a screen cap from the actress’ soon-to-be-available sex tape, but I find that a little hard to swallow¹ because A) Kristen dresses her dogs in little sweaters, as evidenced above, and B) anyone who starred in two Tim Allen flicks back-to-back is clearly into masochism and not your run of the mill fellatio. There should be doilies and cat figurines and maybe a gimp mask somewhere in the background. It just doesn’t add up.

¹_{Pun intended!}

See the NSFW photo made magically LSFW via my mad Photoshop skillz after the jump.

(more…)

Are you prepared to get “Carried away” this way May? Yeah, me neither. The official Sex and the City movie trailer finally arrived online today. To be honest, I liked this movie better when it was called “Golden Girls” and aired in syndication on the Lifetime Network. This version has way too many Blanche Deverauxs. It’s like watching those women in television commercials who sit around the table discussing the trouble with their brand-name denture adhesives/irregularity/bone density talking about waxing their beavers and doing anal instead. In New Line’s defense, “cinema gold” and “cinema old” sound a lot alike. Of course, so does “cinema gold” and “enema mold,” but that doesn’t always translate to a box office success, either.