“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Danielle Staub was granted a temporary injunction today against the release of a sex tape in which she stars with her former boyfriend. Give it another two weeks and it’ll be all over the interwebs for free. TMZ says

Her lawyer filed a complaint alleging [former boyfriend] Stephen Zalewski, who also appeared on the reality show, invaded her privacy and has caused her and her young daughters emotional distress.

Zalewski told Star magazine, “I’m definitely weighing my options as far as selling [the tapes] and getting them out there … She cost me so much money, why shouldn’t I make a few dollars?”

In other slut-related news, you might remember that her ex-husband claimed Danielle worked as a prostitute before being arrested for her role in an extortion plot masterminded by her Colombian cartel dealing boyfriend, all of which she categorically denied. Well, hey, guess what:

The Smoking Gun has obtained copies of FBI court documents from that bust.

The documents state that [Staub] was working as an escort when she became involved with local cocaine kingpin Daniel Aguilar. In June 1986, Daniel had [Staub] take a kilo of cocaine to Carmen Centolella, who was supposed to sell the drugs to four men. When [Staub] arrived, she was accosted by the men [and held] at gunpoint before fleeing with the cocaine.

When Aguilar learned what had happened, he orchestrated Carmen Centolella’s kidnapping. Centolella was beaten while he was held at Aguilar’s house for three days, during which phone calls were placed to his father demanding $25,000 ransom. According to the documents, [Staub] placed the first call to the father, during which she “threatened injury or death” to his son.

The FBI made their arrests and two months later — facing a possible sentence of 20 years in prison — [Staub] agreed to plead guilty to a single felony count of extortion and received to five years probation, in exchange for testifying against Aguilar. According to the documents, he was later sentenced to 15 years behind bars.

You know, I always wondered what Ron Burgundy meant by the term “smelly pirate hooker.” I don’t wonder anymore.

Like any good C-list celebrity looking to improve her internet notoriety, Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester has a sex tape that’s about to hit the interwebs (click header image for NSFW screen caps). The best part? The tape reportedly stars her “very talented feet.” I’m thinking something along the lines of a big toe in somebody’s asshole. Gross. According to TMZ

Spotted … “Gossip Girl” star Leighton Meester having sex with her BF… on video. It was shot a few years back, and shows Leighton in mostly innocuous though nude scenes — with several big exceptions … one involving her very talented feet.

We’re told a company called celebhotline.com is negotiating for the video. The company’s spokesperson, Kevin Blatt told us, “We’ve seen the tape and we’re hoping to close the deal.”

For the record, Leighton was conceived while her mother was in prison and her brother took turns raping cadets at the Air Force Academy a few years back, so this girl practically has “sexual deviant” written all over her. Kinda like I did that time I passed out at that freshman mixer, only without any of the Sharpie swastikas and giant penises on her face.

UPDATE 1: The Torrent link I initially put up doesn’t work, but you can download her sex tape for free here and here (official site here). Thanks to Karena and Deres for the links!

UPDATE 2: I assumed it went without saying, but 99.99% of all “free porn” on the internet is rife with viruses and spyware, including the downloads from the links above. That’s why it’s fucking free. Either buy it legit from the official site or make sure your anti-viral software is up-to-date before you attempt to download. Welcome to the magical world of “the internet!”

In InStyle magazine’s hair issue:

It’s long been rumored that there was a Rihanna/Chris Brown sex tape out there somewhere, and now X-rated video clip starring a woman who looks a lot like Rihanna has found its way online. According to Nine MSN

This newly released footage… runs for only 13 seconds and shows Rihanna writhing around with Chris Brown. The clip was posted along with a note saying that more footage would be released on June 22 — the date of Chris Brown’s court hearing for assault.

Debate is raging online as to whether or not the clip is the real deal, with many porno aficionados arguing that the star of the film is actually Lavish Styles — a porn actress who bears a striking resemblance to Rihanna.

“Porn aficionados?” What the fuck is that? And to think, my husband got all pissed when I put “masturbatory enthusiast” and “knob-polishing bon vivant” on his business cards. I’m sorry if “jerk-off king” just struck me as a little too blasé for public consumption.

The NSFW video preview after the jump

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Hot on the heels of last week’s Rihanna and Cassie nude pictures scandal, a sex tape starring “Flavor of Love” winner Nicole “Hoopz” Alexander has found its way online. I was going to offer my condolences to Ms. Alexander for the gross invasion of her privacy, but then I remembered that she’s only famous for having played target practice for Flava Flav’s dick juices on cable TV. Perhaps a heartfelt “congratulations” is really more in order here.

Watch an extremely edited clip here.

A former boyfriend of Jon Gosselin’s mistress Deanna Hammel has come forth with a sex tape that he claims to have made with the elementary school teacher several years ago. Along with several stills from the video (see below), the ex says on his website

Hello world! This is a site owned by one of Deanna Hummel’s ex-boyfriends.

When I read the news about her alleged affair with Jon Gosselin from the show Jon & Kate Plus 8, I have to say I wasn’t surprised.

The Deanna I knew wasn’t above cheating, even with married men, hence our eventual breakup. During our time together we made a secret amateur sex tape. It wasn’t a hidden cam or anything, she was totally aware of the fact that I was taping. This has never been available to the public before. And it still isn’t…yet! But I am shopping this tape and am currently in negotiations with sites like porn.com about selling it.

If anyone is interested in making me an offer, please email me at sextape@deannahummel.com

And if that wasn’t enough, new stories are emerging that Jon’s wife Kate is also cheating. Star Magazine reports

Jon may not have been the first to stray.

“I heard Kate was getting way too close with her personal trainer, so Jon started cheating,” Trisha Berlin, a fellow Pennsylvanian [says]. Kate is also being linked to her hunky bodyguard.

I imagine having sticking your penis inside a woman who has birthed eight children is kind of like shoveling sand in the sea. I think I’ll pass on that one, thanks.

Obviously NSFW Deanna Hummel sex tape stills after the jump:
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Mark Ebner’s new book “The Six Degrees of Paris Hilton” is really the story of one Darnell Riley, who you might better remember as “that dude who took ‘Girls Gone Wild’ asswipe Joe Francis hostage at gunpoint and made him stick dildos up his ass while he took pictures.” A true hero in every sense of the word. According to The Sun

Darnell claims he bought 14 hours of video of Hilton [in a state of arousal in a New York taxi] from two Russian kids who had stolen it when they broke into her home. As well as the racy footage, he says there are also excerpts from Paris’ grandmother’s funeral.

Darnell claims: “She is sitting in the church shooting video of herself. She is paying no attention to the eulogy.”

Well, if that doesn’t sound like Paris fucking Hilton, I don’t know what does. Maybe that queef noise you get when you blow up and burst open a old dry cleaning bag.

At Sundance:

For some unholy reason, a sex tape starring Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher and husband Lou Bellera is back in the news again today. You can suppress your gag reflex by biting hard into a wooden spoon or pressing your temples until you pass out. According to Bodog Beat

Amy and her husband apparently made the tape in 2007, however when the marital bliss between Fisher and Bellera hit a bump in the road, Bellera hawked the tape to L.A. porn peddler Red Light District Video. Fisher learned that the tape was in the wrong hands after she and Bellera reconciled and according to all reports, Fisher is “disgusted.”

Fisher filed a lawsuit against Red Light District and its owner, David Joseph, claiming copyright infringement and other damages. In early January 2008 Fisher announced that she had settled with Red Light and agreed to do a promotional appearance related to it.

Sorry for the lack of posts and the late start today, boys and girls. I haven’t vomited this much since, I don’t know… last Thursday, probably. But this time was different. I’ve spent the last 24 hours on the crapper cradling a bathroom trashcan and wishing I would just die already. And since you probably didn’t get the stomach flu for Christmas like I did, this was the only way I could think of for you to you feel as crappy as I do. Feel free to massage your anus with lighter fluid if the thumbnails aren’t chapping enough.

Some thumbnail links are NSFW (I’ll let you guess which ones, Einstein):

Rumors that there was a sex tape starring Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband Peter Cook boning a then 18-year old Diana Bianchi were confirmed yesterday. Peter Cook and a sex tape! Boy, I didn’t see that one coming! Can you guys give me a minute to collect myself? I’m just gonna pace around with a hand over my mouth and shaking my head in disbelief. Page Six says

[The Peter Cook sex tape] does exist. We were shown a series of stills from a video depicting Cook and Bianchi, both nude, having sexual intercourse on a brown love seat. They also show Bianchi performing a striptease… as Cook holds his crotch.

I’d wager the only time Peter Cook isn’t holding his crotch is when he has to use his jerk-off hand to write up another confidentiality agreement. I swear, that guy makes L’il Wayne look like a fucking amateur.

Thanks to a couple of well-placed surveillance cameras, actor Josh Hartnett is the unwitting star of a SoHo hotel sex tape. MSNBC says

Josh and his female companion entered what they believed was a secluded area of the hotel, a little-used library, and drew the curtains before getting cozy.

“Josh and the girl were getting pretty hot and heavy,” said the source who watched to actor’s actions on the hotel’s monitor. “Unfortunately the hotel has security cameras all over the place — the library included.” Several members of the hotel staff huddled around the monitor, but the source said, “No one quite knew where to look and there was a very awkward silence.”

No one knew where to look? Was the hotel doubling as the headquarters for the Jehovah’s Witnesses or something? The only time your eyes would even need to leave the screen is if you zipper gets caught in your underpants or to find the pause/rewind button for the good parts. Everybody knows “masturbation” and “work” go together like “peas” and “restraining orders!”

Tiny actor Verne Troyer is suing his ex-girlfriend and sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider for allegedly beating his ass throughout the course of their relationship. TMZ reports

In the lawsuit, Troyer is accusing Shrider of intentional infliction of emotional distress and battery. Verne’s lawyer [says], “When you pick up a 2′8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.” Troyer says [Shrider] terrorized him, once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then [threw] him to the floor.”

This sounds like something you might pay to see after taking in a donkey show and two liters of Dos Equis while on Spring Break in Tijuana. Full-contact midget wrestling followed by tongue-sucking midget porn. Gross. I don’t know whether I want to laugh or throw up. Or throw up while I’m laughing, which is really a lot harder than it sounds. Fortunately, I had plenty of practice on my wedding night.

Hold on to your breakfast, boys and girls — there’s a Madonna and Alex Rodriguez sex tape out there, just waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting public by the highest bidder. According to the Daily Star

[The man responsible for the video] is demanding a fortune for the footage he claims was shot with a hidden camera in an apartment used by the pair for secret afternoon trysts. The video man claimed he secretly installed a hidden camera in the living room with the lens pointed at the sofa.

Last night Madonna’s lawyers said they were “aware” of the lensman’s claims but were not commenting.

Ooh, that ought to be hot. A half hour of him spotting her while she bench presses her weight in human souls. No thanks.

Jessica Simpson’s debut country performance opening for Sara Evans at Country Thunder Saturday night wasn’t exactly a success. The Kenosha News Online says

The crowd welcomed Simpson with boos [as] she strutted onto the stage in Daisy Duke shorts and cowboy boots [singing] a cover of “These Boots are Made for Walking.”

Audience members found her attempt to crossover into country irritating and that her vocals lacked a southern sound. “She’s an embarrassment to country music,” [said a fan]. “It’s crap. She doesn’t belong here.”

Well, nothing fixes a floundering career quite like a sex tape, right? Good thing there’s one in the works! According to Digital Spy

The home movie features Simpson engaging in a number of sex acts with her ex-husband Nick Lachey. [The video] has been acquired by the same people who released Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s holiday sex video.

The tape will reportedly be distributed online unless Simpson pays an undisclosed fee to keep it out of the public domain.

Everyone knows that the old saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” is totally obsolete in this day and age. The 2008 spin on success should read more like: “if at first you don’t succeed, make sure there’s video of you getting railed on the kitchen counter for mass distribution later on.” After all, success is not a destination, it’s a journey! A journey down anal trail, that is. Godspeed, Jessica!

Her debut country performance: