Kris Jenner is still convinced that there’s a snowball’s chance in hell that someone might believe that she and her family are not fame-whore, attention-grubbing boils on the asscheek of humanity. She writes in her memoir about the incident and how it affected her and Kim. Digital Spy says,

Kris Jenner has said that she “cried for days” over the release of daughter Kim Kardashian’s sex tape.

The 56-year-old claimed that she nearly fainted after Kardashian revealed that intimate footage of her with ex-boyfriend Ray J had been leaked.

“Hell, yes, it was dumb,” she wrote in her memoir Kris Jenner…And All Things Kardashian. “But she never did drugs, never even drank, never did anything that could prove embarrassing to her. I know for her to do something like that, completely sober, had to be an honest mistake.”

Jenner added that she desperately attempted to block the tape, but ultimately had to endure the “media firestorm” of its release.

“It was a horrible time for our family,” she said. “That kind of thing is devastating, embarrassing, expensive and draining. Kim and I cried for days.

“We were so upset and anxious. Kim knew she’d made a huge mistake and she had disappointed her family. She was so embarrassed that anyone saw her like that.”

If they cried over anything, it was tears of joy that they had found a way to shove Kim’s bulbous ass into the public eye (quite literally). They all know that they wouldn’t have their TV show or Kris wouldn’t have had a reason to write her piece of garbage memoir if it hadn’t been for the sex tape. I think it’s pretty rude to pretend otherwise. Don’t bite the sex tape that feeds you.

Kim as Poison Ivy for Halloween:

How many times has this happened to you — you sit down on a plane and get to talking to the guy sitting next to you, and lo and behold, it turns out that the guy is the very same guy who made a sex tape with your wife and then posted the footage on the internet. Boy, if I had a nickel! Page Six says:

Kris Humphries was stone-faced seated next to Kim Kardashian’s ex, Ray J, on a Delta flight Sunday from LA to New Orleans. Humphries, who boarded in Minneapolis, was in an aisle seat across from the singer in first class. Humphries sat there for a few minutes before moving to a seat in front of Ray J.

After minutes of “awkward silence,” Ray J walked up to Humphries’ seat to congratulate him, but Kris acted like he didn’t recognize him. According to a source, “Ray J said, ‘Come on, you know who I am. I just want to say congratulations.’ Then Kris, realizing he was cornered, said, ‘Oh yeah, yeah, I’m sorry I know who you are.’ ”

Believe it or not, there are people out there who don’t know who you are, Ray-J. People who don’t listen to F-list rap from ten years ago. People like me, for instance. Ray J could walk right up to me on the street and I’d have no idea who the hell he was. None. Chances are good I’d just assume he was going to rape me because I’m a white woman and then hose him down with pepper spray.

Cheesy honeymoon footage that looks like the beginning of every Skinemax movie you saw when you were in sixth grade, above; at their stupid “Welcome to New York” party they threw themselves yesterday (no, seriously) below:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Never mind that it was the only thing that catapulted her to fame — a “mystery buyer” (i.e. Kim Kardashian) is attempting to buy the rights to her sex tape in order to “completely remove it from the market.” Those would be the very same rights she sold to Vivid Entertainment for five million dollars when she was still just the fat foreign chick Paris Hilton hung out with. Unfortunately, interest appeared to have accrued exponentially on those rights, because now it’s gonna cost her $30 million to get them back. Who knew crappy amateur porn was such a high-yield investment? TMZ says:

The mystery buyer has fired off a letter to Vivid honcho Steve Hirsch yesterday which reads, “I [am] looking into the possibility of acquiring all rights of the Vivid, ‘Kim Kardashian Sex Tape.’

[I do] not intend to distribute or broadcast the ‘tape,’ but hope to completely remove it from the market.”

The buyer also wants to purchase all of the raw, unused footage (sex tape outtakes) that never made it to the DVD, [adding], “We would purchase any other footage you may have control of that involves Ms. Kardashian.”

Rights or no rights, trying to take videos off the internet is like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool. You’ll note I used a piss metaphor here so it would really speak to Kim directly.

Porn magazine Hustler claims they got their sticky fingers on a sex tape featuring Rihanna and the opening act on her 2011 Loud tour, rapper J-Cole. I’m hoping they call it “J-Cole in Rihanna’s B-Hole.” Because who doesn’t enjoy a good rhyme? It’s assonance in the truest sense of the word! You know, assonance? Because it means “rhyme in which the same vowel sounds are used with different consonants in the stressed syllables of the rhyming words,” and it also has the word “ass” in it. It’s a play on words! Oh, forget it. Radar Online says:

“Hustler are in possession of the Rihanna and J-Cole tape,” said a rep for the adult company. “We have seen it and we do not know what we are going to do with it yet.”

However, despite Hustler’s claim about the pair, Rihanna is still denying it exists.

Whatever. It’s Rihanna. Of course she has a sex tape. There have been pictures of her vagina on the interwebs for two years now, so what difference is a little penetration gonna make? EDITOR’S NOTE: never try using that line of reasoning on your husband. Trust me, they’re not nearly as receptive as you would hope.

I vaguely remember hearing about a Leann Rimes sex tape last week, but it was supposedly with her closeted ex-husband Dean Sheremet, so I didn’t really give it much though. If I wanted to see a gay man muffling his sobs and choking back dry heaves while thrusting half-heartedly, I’d just get my honeymoon video out again. But that’s probably all for the best, because her sex tape doesn’t even have any sex, not even the gay-man-playing-hetero kind — just footage of her changing while he coos at her in a creepy baby voice. She tweeted yesterday:

Since when is changing in front of a mirror in a thong a “sex tape?” the fact that someone has STOLEN a tape of private moments of when I was 18 and is trying to profit off of it is sick and the fact that the media is trying to make more of it than it is, a few private moments of me changing and joking around [e.g., the baby voice] is misleading and wrong. Once again, I have never filmed myself having sex period. All I know is you see more of me on a beach in a bikini. Moving on, so should everyone else!

The only thing worse than farting during sex is using the baby voice during sex. The second you start coochie-cooing and saying words like “widdle bittums” and “daddy likey,” my legs instinctively snap shut like a Venus Flytrap. You’d have better luck plying me with a ski mask and a roll of duct tape.

Despite rumors that she made a sex tape, LeAnn Rimes claims she never did the deed in front of a camera. I know, you’re all really broken up about this, aren’t you? Says Digital Spy,

LeAnn Rimes has dismissed claims that she made a sex tape with ex-husband Dean Sheremet.

The ‘How Do I Live’ singer laughed off speculation that intimate footage of the former couple was about to be released after being discovered in a truck.

She wrote on Twitter: “I hear there are rumors of a ‘sex tape’ I have never filmed myself having sex on tape, period. Haven’t joined that club Lol (sic)”

A spokesperson for Rimes further stated to the New York Daily News: “LeAnn has absolutely never filmed a video [of herself] having sex.”

Sheremet – when questioned about the alleged tape – is quoted as arguing: “We were married for eight years, we did a lot of s**t. I honestly don’t even remember. I’m sure it was fun and innocent.”

The footage was claimed by its finder to feature Rimes “posing provocatively” in a thong.

Whew! I’m glad we cleared that one up. If I wanted to see an unusually large member of the order Rodentia , I’d go over to my cousin Clive’s house and see his 7-year-old rat get it on with his harem of red-eyed lady friends. I’m sure that option would prove to be less frightening and probably sexier.

At Sirius XM’s “The Highway Super Fan Concert Series” in Nashville:

It’s been almost a decade since WWE shemale Chyna unleashed her amateur sex tape onto an unsuspecting public, and now she’s decided to subject the masses to the monstrosity that is her genitals once again. TMZ says:

Vivid President Steve Hirsch [says] Chyna approached him months ago to breathe life into her XXX career — demanding to work with the biggest male porn star in the business.

Steve did her one better and hooked her up with the TWO biggest male porn stars in the business — Evan and Lee Stone — and together, the threesome shot a gnarly skin flick tentatively called “Backdoor into Chyna.”

The DVD is set for release in the near future.

The “two biggest guys in the business” is just code for “somebody who had a bigger dick than she does.” If you haven’t had the misfortune of seeing her tiny penis, I did a little digging (and then a little vomiting and crying in the fetal position) and found a screen cap for you, but be warned: it’s not suitable for work. Or school. Or anyplace where you might ingest food. It’s not suitable for the elderly, the criminally insane, those with heart conditions, back problems, or pregnant women. Viewing said photo may cause vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, heart palpitations, chills, numbness, hallucinations, temporary amnesia, paralysis and night terrors. You will not like them in a house, you will not like them with a mouse, you will not like her beefy clam, you will not like them, Sam-I-am. Click at your own risk.

Everyone and their uncle has a sex tape these days, and R&B singer Usher doesn’t want to be any different. Pretty soon couples will be passing them out as favors at weddings. Says TMZ,

TMZ was approached several days ago by someone claiming to have the sex tape. The person sent us a short video and two photos. We’ll keep this PG-13 and just say … the people in the video are both givers.

The video and photos are clear — it’s Usher and Tameka.

Sources close to Usher — without specifically admitting the existence of a sex tape — tell us they believe this video could have been among the things Usher had stolen out of his car back in December 2009. Usher reported more than $1,000,000 worth of jewelry and electronics taken — including two laptop computers.

Foster released a statement to TheYBF.com … saying, “Would I sanction a sextape being out? Absolutely not. I am a mother and entrepreneur. Sex tapes or pornography would not be my lane. I have no desire to be seen in that way.”

I don’t know why anyone would want to watch Usher and Tameka have sex. He reminds me of a black version of the Mad Magazine guy. And then there’s Tameka herself. I would only hope that after sex, she’s also go through your hair and look for bugs.

A few pictures of Brooke Burke at the 8th Annual Stuart House Benefit, because gorillas humping is not usually pretty:

Charlie Sheen is practically incapable of making a bad decision here lately. Like this one, where he decided to film a pilot for his own porn franchise using a dozen porn star hookers he rented from a Hollywood madam. And the best part is, he’s calling it “Charlie’s Devils!” The man’s untouchable! Radar Online says:

The madam, who goes by the name ‘Felony,’ describes the night she spent practicing different positions with Charlie and one of her clients [before] making a demo tape.

So where’s the tape now?

“Charlie’s got the tape. I gave it to him afterwards,” the madam said. “He was keeping it so he could practice. He’s getting jazzed about this whole project about starting his own line of porno.

He likes to explore his sexuality. He likes fetish, spanking, role play, really kinky stuff.

He likes a lot (of women)… he doesn’t just like one (at a time),” Felony said. “Sometimes he will be finicky and likes just one, but he generally likes to be surrounded by women.”

Given reports of his sexual prowess, you can understand why he’d want to put his exploits on tape. It’s not like you can just go out and buy a tape of some guy crying and apologizing for three minutes before he barfs in your hair. That’s precisely why the security footage from my senior prom is gonna make me a fortune on eBay one day! Charlie and I definitely have a lock on the market.

A 3 minute clip from Tila Tequila’s yet-to-be-released lesbian threesome sex tape has leaked online (watch it here), and mother of God is it disgusting. I actually have a vagina, and even I don’t know what I’m seeing in half of the pics. Like (NSFW) here, for instance. What the fuck IS that? Is it the tip of an elephant’s trunk? The all-seeing eye of Sauron? Am I looking into the Sarlaac in the Great Pit of Carkoon? I don’t know whether to be terrified or aroused, so I’m going to go with my gut and just start drinking.

Puppy thumbnails are extremely NSFW screen caps:

There were rumors Kendra Wilkinson was sitting on (no pun intended) a yet-to-be released lesbian sex tape when she released her first sex tape with Justin Frye last year, and now those rumors have been confirmed. According to Radar Online:

“Kendra has sex in the video with Taryn Ryan,” a source close to the situation [said]. “It’s a long tape, about 45 minutes. And there is nothing left to the imagination.”

The tape was shot by Justin Frye, Kendra’s ex boyfriend and partner in last year’s sex tape.

“Kendra and Taryn started fooling around and then Kendra wanted the light turned off,” the source [revealed]. “But the camera that was recording them had night vision, so it looks like the Paris Hilton porn tape. Everything is completely clear.”

There’s $39.95 I won’t be spending. I am NOT a fan of night vision porn. I don’t like what it does to people’s eyes. Having big glow-y green retinas make you look like some kind of hairless raccoon caught rummaging through an overturned trashcan. And who wants to beat off while thinking of raccoons? Forest rangers, maybe, but I’m not Smokey the fucking Bear. Come on. You gotta work with me, people.

Revisit her first sex tape pics here.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

I’m sure when you heard about those 90 students at a Memphis high school who had gotten themselves knocked up, the first thing you thought was, “What does Kim Kardashian have to say about all this?” Well, you’re in luck today, my friends. She wrote (via the Daily Mail):

‘It seems that shows like Teen Mom are all of a sudden making teen pregnancy seem cool in the eyes of young girls… but girls, these are not people you should idolize!

When I think back to when I was 16, there is no way I would even have considered having a baby. Having a baby is one of the biggest, and most life-changing decisions a person can make and while I’m not saying that no teen is in the position to raise a child, having a baby so young shouldn’t be seen as the trendy thing to do.

But Teen Mom star Amber Portwood didn’t exactly take that lying down (EDITOR’S NOTE: ha ha!), telling E! News:

Last time I checked, Kim Kardashian had a sex tape floating around on the internet and I’m pretty sure she made a lot of money off of it. She made a sex tape when she was younger and she wants to bash the girls on Teen Mom?”

You know what they say — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones! And that’s precisely why I live in my parents’ cement-block basement. All that lack of windows and natural light gives me free license to burn anybody I want. Plus the damp air really helps keep my psoraisis at bay!

Promoting her crappy new show:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures