Miss California Carrie Prejean was demanding over a million dollars in compensatory damages from pageant officials in a lawsuit last month — that is, until Pageant attorneys showed Carrie they were in possession of her sex tape. According to TMZ

The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely graphic and has never been released publicly. We know that, because TMZ obtained the video months ago but decided not to post it because it was so racy. Let’s just say, Carrie has a promising solo career.

We’re told it took about 15 seconds for Carrie to jettison her demand and essentially walk away. She pocketed nothing in the settlement.

So when it happens to David Letterman, it’s extortion that merits FBI intervention and jail time. When Carrie Prejean is blackmailed out of a million-dollar settlement with a sex tape, it’s just “legal negotiations.” I see. I’ll have to remember that when I show that girl from HR the secret camera-phone footage I took of her on the crapper last week.

Annoyingly censored topless pics before she got the fake titties:

File this one under VOMIT: David Letterman is reportedly worried that a sex tape he made with a female staffer is going to wind up on the web. Hope salt-and-pepper pubes are your thing! According to Showbiz Spy

The chat show host and a much-younger female co-worker have apparently been captured on a studio surveillance tape in a compromising position.

“If the tape makes its way into the criminal case, it’ll explode his marriage to smithereens,” a source [said].

“It’s one thing for him to have publicly admitted to having had sexual relations with some women on his staff. It’s another to see him in the throes of passion with one of those women.

Dave apparently didn’t know the location of the security cameras at his Late Show studio.”

Why in God’s name would you ever want to watch footage of a 62-year old man rutting all over some woman? That’s like the when the doctor asks, “would you like to see the placenta?” Hell no. I can’t think of a single reason you might watch a David Letterman sex tape. Okay… maybe one or two reasons. Here, I made you a list:

THE TOP TEN REASONS YOU MIGHT WATCH A DAVID LETTERMAN SEX TAPE

10. Robert Redford offered you a million dollars to

9. Turns out it cures six types of cancer

8. Someone’s holding a gun to your head

7. Your friend tells you it’s a copy of “The Bridges of Madison County”

6. You’re legally blind

5. You were double-dared, triple-stamped, anti-quitsies no startsies in front of the eighth-graders

4. You’re pledging

3. You have the Viagra “prolonged, persistent erection lasting more than four hours” and nothing has been able to kill it yet

2. You need to induce vomiting and you don’t have any syrup of ipecac

and the number one reason you might watch a David Letterman sex tape:

1. It’s still better than reading this blog

Sienna Miller arriving on to the Late Show last week:

I’m back, bitches! Hope your enjoyed your week with Sonya at the helm. And I also hope you didn’t get to used to actual quality writing, because it’s back to guzzling at the teat of the lowest common denominator now that I’m here! TMZ says

The sex tape starring Shauna Sand is being delayed a week — and it all has to do with whether or not Shauna signed on the dotted line.

Vivid Entertainment says it plans to counter Shauna’s cease and desist letter by bringing in a handwriting expert to prove the release they have is authentic.

And of course, if turns out to be her signature, it will be the only part of Shauna Sand that actually is real. I’m pretty sure the rest of her won’t biodegrade for another 10,000 years.

If you wished upon a star and your blow-up sex doll became a real boy (last two thumbs NSFW):

File this one under “No Thanks”: a Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel sex tape is being shopped around on the interwebs. Oh No They Didn’t says

According to an anonymous source, the former couple (Sarah is now dating Rob Huebel) recorded a 15-minute tape while on vacation a few years ago, but forgot the camera in the resort room - a worker at the resort is now shopping around the tape of the couple allegedly having sex.

Ew. If I want to see some flabby dude sweating all over a hairy ugly chick, I’ll just tie a pound cake to my stepmom and let my dad chase her around until his heart gives out. Won’t cost me a dime, and I still get the same effect. Incapacitating nausea is what we’re going for here, right?

Sarah in Maxim a few years back:

You know what? I get it. Megan Fox, you are gorgeous. Megan Fox, you are sexy. Megan Fox, you love having sex.  Megan Fox, you love to pretend like you’re that nerdy sexy girl that makes every all the guys wet their collective shorts. But Megan Fox, you really suck at false modesty. Don’t go pretending like you think you could possibly look fat. Us Magazine says,

Megan Fox promises she’ll never be involved in a sex tape scandal. Why? She’ll never make one.

“Ugh, never!” the Jennifer’s Body star, 23, tells MTV News. “That’s the last thing I want to see — what I look like having sex. It would take one shot of me not looking good and I would not be able to have sex ever again, because I would always just see myself looking like a hippo having sex.”

God, I hate her. She reminds me of those girls in high school who were so freakishly perfect, yet they needed constant reassurance that they were indeed perfect. Ugh. Stick a Twinkie in it, bitch.

Leaving Casa Del Mar Hotel in Santa Monica after a long press meeting, looking decidedly non-hippo-ish:

A wall safe and a couple of watches were stolen when three men broke into Lindsay Lohan’s house over the weekend, but you didn’t think there was actually money or jewelery in the safe, did you? Ha ha, of course not! It’s Lindsay Lohan! We all know she hasn’t gotten paid in months. According to the Chicago Sun-Times

The real reason Lindsay Lohan is so upset about the theft of the safe from her L.A. house is the contents included some very incriminating videos and photos, plus legal documents, that LiLo believes could cause embarrassment if made public.

The shit’s about to hit the fan, and what Lindsay needs now more than ever is a real mother. That leathery old bag she’s got flapping around her when the cameras are rolling doesn’t count. She needs somebody without an agenda. Someone to pick her up when she falls face-first on a penis. Someone with direction and compassion. Someone who’s proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have what it takes to care for other people. And I don’t like to brag, but I’ve proven that to Child Protective Services like three times in the last year and a half. Call me, Linz!

UPDATE: Lindsay just kinda confirmed this, tweeting “i know it was not a ROBBERY. electronics weren’t taken… just things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me.” Read: nekkid pictures.

Looking high as a kite while shopping last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

_{Click header images for NSFW booby action}

It’s been over 72 hours since a celebrity posted a picture of themselves naked online or leaked a “stolen” sex tape, but don’t you worry — former Noxema girl Rebecca Gayheart, husband Eric Dane (Grey’s Anatomy’s “Dr. McSteamy”) and 2002 Miss Teen USA Kari Ann Peniche are on the case! And I already know what you’re thinking, and yes, they still qualify as celebrities. Technically. Gawker, who obtained the tape in its entirety), said:

In the video (which we edited down from a 12-minute original), we see the apparently inebriated threesome — at one point Gayheart says she needs to lay down because she’s so high — lounging au naturel in the fallen beauty queen’s Studio City apartment, passing around the camera and, for giggles, discussing what their porn names should be. Soon the threesome move to the bathroom where the two ladies disrobe and get into a jacuzzi tub while Dane takes over the camera duties.

That teen-queen isn’t so bad, but Rebecca Gayheart looks like the fucking sea hag of New Haven. Make sure and leave a fish offering and steer clear of the lighthouse after sunset or a sex tape this boring could happen to you, too!

UPDATE II: Apparently there is no sex in the sex tape (watch it here), only nudity and dress-up and incoherent ramblings. TMZ claims the footage was illegally obtained by Kari’s former Celebrity Rehab roommate Mindy McCready, while Gawker claims the video was obtained when the LAPD seized Kari’s computer as evidence in their prostitute-turned-madam case against her.

UPDATE I: Now with more NSFW screencap action! (watch the preview of the video here):

Both Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have publicly maintained that cheating had nothing to do with their split earlier this week. In fact, “nobody cheated” was pretty much the only quote they gave to Us Weekly. But methinks the couple doth protest too much! Radar Online says

Cheating charges are flying BOTH WAYS in the relationship now.

Fox News broke the story that Reggie saw text messages from Kanye West on Kim’s phone and “flipped out.” The messages were [reportedly] more than just friendly.

Now a sexy Latino model in Miami is claiming she had a [months-long] affair with Reggie that included hookups in Los Angeles, Las Vegas and Miami and X-rated texts and phone messages, and [she] has been threatening to take her story public to the highest bidding magazine.

Kim was aware of the model’s charges and furious about it. The model did have video of herself in Bush’s house.

I just hope Reggie had the foresight to pee all over the model in the video. That way he and Kim could put aside their differences and get a “Wet ‘n Wild” sex tape box set in the works. I think I know a “golden” idea when I hear one!

Remember how before Madonna became a children’s book author and foster mother to third world urchins, she used to be a giant whore? Yeah, so does the rest of the world. And now some of that whoredom is up for grabs in an online auction! The Mirror UK says

The personal artifacts [include] two micro cassette tapes of answering machine messages and 21 faxed letters [to former bodyguard turned lover] Jim Albright, [with whom she was involved for] two years.

Her saucy faxed letters to Jim - in which Madge signs off as “Lil’ Booty” — are embarrassing enough.

But what is even worse is the 15-minute VHS tape [made while Madonna was working on the 1993 movie Dangerous Game] called Snake Eyes Wife Swap Footage [that] shows her flashing her boobs while appearing to snort cocaine and inhale nitrous oxide… [before letting] co-star James Russo snort cocaine off her body.

A source said yesterday: “She is mortified. Some of this stuff makes her Sex Book of the 90s look tame. [It's] horrendously embarrassing.”

Bidding on the New York Gotta Have It! auction site for the cassettes starts at $25,000; $10,000 for the tape and [$3,00] for the letters.

Well, let me save you some trouble. Here’s her Penthouse spread. Now here’s her Sex book pics. Using the power of imagination, take those naked images you just saw, add in one dude thrusting, and then put it all on a 15 year-old VHS tape, which in 1993 had the quality resolution roughly equivalent to 320×480 pixels, with a signal-to-noise ratio at 43 dB (DVDs today usually have an S/N ratio at 120+ dB, meaning VHS tapes have three times as much background noise and humming) and voilà! — a fuzzy, grainy, white-noise riddled analog video of Madonna getting railed over a decade ago. Congratulations. I just saved you $10,000.

Having dinner with Dolce and Gabbana:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News

“Real Housewives of New Jersey” star Danielle Staub was granted a temporary injunction today against the release of a sex tape in which she stars with her former boyfriend. Give it another two weeks and it’ll be all over the interwebs for free. TMZ says

Her lawyer filed a complaint alleging [former boyfriend] Stephen Zalewski, who also appeared on the reality show, invaded her privacy and has caused her and her young daughters emotional distress.

Zalewski told Star magazine, “I’m definitely weighing my options as far as selling [the tapes] and getting them out there … She cost me so much money, why shouldn’t I make a few dollars?”

In other slut-related news, you might remember that her ex-husband claimed Danielle worked as a prostitute before being arrested for her role in an extortion plot masterminded by her Colombian cartel dealing boyfriend, all of which she categorically denied. Well, hey, guess what:

The Smoking Gun has obtained copies of FBI court documents from that bust.

The documents state that [Staub] was working as an escort when she became involved with local cocaine kingpin Daniel Aguilar. In June 1986, Daniel had [Staub] take a kilo of cocaine to Carmen Centolella, who was supposed to sell the drugs to four men. When [Staub] arrived, she was accosted by the men [and held] at gunpoint before fleeing with the cocaine.

When Aguilar learned what had happened, he orchestrated Carmen Centolella’s kidnapping. Centolella was beaten while he was held at Aguilar’s house for three days, during which phone calls were placed to his father demanding $25,000 ransom. According to the documents, [Staub] placed the first call to the father, during which she “threatened injury or death” to his son.

The FBI made their arrests and two months later — facing a possible sentence of 20 years in prison — [Staub] agreed to plead guilty to a single felony count of extortion and received to five years probation, in exchange for testifying against Aguilar. According to the documents, he was later sentenced to 15 years behind bars.

You know, I always wondered what Ron Burgundy meant by the term “smelly pirate hooker.” I don’t wonder anymore.

Like any good C-list celebrity looking to improve her internet notoriety, Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester has a sex tape that’s about to hit the interwebs (click header image for NSFW screen caps). The best part? The tape reportedly stars her “very talented feet.” I’m thinking something along the lines of a big toe in somebody’s asshole. Gross. According to TMZ

Spotted … “Gossip Girl” star Leighton Meester having sex with her BF… on video. It was shot a few years back, and shows Leighton in mostly innocuous though nude scenes — with several big exceptions … one involving her very talented feet.

We’re told a company called celebhotline.com is negotiating for the video. The company’s spokesperson, Kevin Blatt told us, “We’ve seen the tape and we’re hoping to close the deal.”

For the record, Leighton was conceived while her mother was in prison and her brother took turns raping cadets at the Air Force Academy a few years back, so this girl practically has “sexual deviant” written all over her. Kinda like I did that time I passed out at that freshman mixer, only without any of the Sharpie swastikas and giant penises on her face.

UPDATE 1: The Torrent link I initially put up doesn’t work, but you can download her sex tape for free here and here (official site here). Thanks to Karena and Deres for the links!

UPDATE 2: I assumed it went without saying, but 99.99% of all “free porn” on the internet is rife with viruses and spyware, including the downloads from the links above. That’s why it’s fucking free. Either buy it legit from the official site or make sure your anti-viral software is up-to-date before you attempt to download. Welcome to the magical world of “the internet!”

In InStyle magazine’s hair issue:

It’s long been rumored that there was a Rihanna/Chris Brown sex tape out there somewhere, and now X-rated video clip starring a woman who looks a lot like Rihanna has found its way online. According to Nine MSN

This newly released footage… runs for only 13 seconds and shows Rihanna writhing around with Chris Brown. The clip was posted along with a note saying that more footage would be released on June 22 — the date of Chris Brown’s court hearing for assault.

Debate is raging online as to whether or not the clip is the real deal, with many porno aficionados arguing that the star of the film is actually Lavish Styles — a porn actress who bears a striking resemblance to Rihanna.

“Porn aficionados?” What the fuck is that? And to think, my husband got all pissed when I put “masturbatory enthusiast” and “knob-polishing bon vivant” on his business cards. I’m sorry if “jerk-off king” just struck me as a little too blasé for public consumption.

The NSFW video preview after the jump

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