Are these pictures really stills from former Miss California Carrie Prejean’s sex tape? I don’t know, and frankly, this isn’t CNN. All I can tell you is that I found them on the internet and the internet told me it was her. If it’s fancy “fact-checking” and “source verification” you want, you might try iamahugefaggot.com instead.

Click the puppies for mega-NSFW masturbation action:

^{Video courtesy JoBlo}

This clip from Carmen Electra’s supposedly “leaked” sex tape features no boobies, no vaginas, and hardly any tongue at all. It’s real Rebecca Gayheart home video quality, let me tell you. I’m not going to come straight out and say it’s boring, but you should know I got a bigger boner watching “The Life Cycles of the Mealworm” while alphabetizing my sock drawer. And I don’t even have a penis. So counting this video, that makes two of us with absolutely no wieners at all.

Lots more screen caps after the jump

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Former Miss California Carrie Prejean made it sound like her sex tape was an isolated incident, but it turns out there are actually eight videos of Carrie working over her Holy of Holies, along with thirty nude photos of the pageant star. Radar Online says

She called the sex tape “the biggest mistake of her life.”

Now an investigation has uncovered that there are SEVEN more “biggest mistakes” of her life – all of them solo performances, just like the one sex tape that the religious beauty queen has admitted to. And there are 30 photos of Carrie, most topless, some showing everything, and most taken by Carrie using her reflection in a mirror.

She might have lost out on her pageant settlement because of those tapes, but porn company Vivid Entertainment is now offering Ms. Prejean a hefty settlement to sign over the rights to the video for public distribution. According to TMZ

Vivid honcho Steven Hirsch [contacted] Prejean’s lawyer, Charles Limandri, [and asked] to acquire the rights to distribute “erotic footage that Carrie Prejean produced for her boyfriend following their four day rendezvous in February 2007.”

In the letter, Hirsch tries tempting Carrie with this: “We would like to present Carrie with several options where she could certainly earn millions of dollars.”

[However, Prejean's] attorney says Carrie’s mom/rep says, “No, at any price.”

Given the nature of all this, I really enjoyed the following quote from her new book “Still Standing”: “God gave us our bodies, our temples of the Holy Spirit, and it’s perfectly right that we use them in ways where we can give glory to God.” Hell, I didn’t know masturbating was giving glory to God. Mom and Dad always acted like it was a sin. This is really going to change the way I do Mass.

Here’s one that will make your asshole pucker: Jon Gosselin has a sex tape. Hope you just haven’t had breakfast! According to the National Enquirer:

“[Jon's bodyguard] told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape!” said Stephanie Santoro, Jon’s former flame and family nanny.

“He said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”

“People close to Jon” paid a girl to slap uglies with him while they videotaped it? That’s kinda shady, isn’t it? It sounds like TLC found themselves a little loophole in case Tubby got any bright ideas about a lawsuit. Nothing says “unfit parent” like footage of you snorting blow off a hooker’s ass. Especially if your kids are the ones holding the camera and you keep yelling, “Hold the goddamn camera still, dumbass! You’re gonna fuck up my video again!” at the camera. Experience has taught me that Domestic Relations Courts tend to frown on that sort of thing.

Chubs arriving in Hawaii last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Former Miss California and heterosexual marriage champion Carrie Prejean went on Larry King Live last night to promote her new book “Still Standing” and ended up storming off the set when he pressed her about the reason behind her settlement with Pageant officials (that would be the sex tape they screened in front of her mom at mediation, remember?) Only by “storming off,” I mean “grappling with her mic like a retard at a shoe-tying contest and then sitting there with a stupid shit-eating grin on her face for a whole goddamn minute after she finally gets it off.” Yeah, take that, old guy! Gawker says

Larry King broaches the subject of the lawsuit Carrie settled with Miss California USA [because they were in possession of her sex tape]. Then, Carrie complains that King is “being inappropriate,” and after a full minute of wrangling, she removes her microphone and announces she is leaving—only to end up sitting there for another minute, playing the “I ca-a-an’t he-e-ear y-o-o-ou” game until Larry cuts to commercial.

God love her, this girl needs a gay man in her life. She needs like six of them. Now those bastards know how to make an exit. You break something, you throw something, you speak in a voice 20 decibels louder and three octaves higher, and you finishing by throwing what’s left of your appletini in your lover’s face while snapping your fingers and bobbing your head like it was mounted on a fucking spring-loader. Carrie Prejean: FAIL.

The most hotly-anticipated home video of 1999 just got the kibosh — a judge granted singer Jennifer Lopez a temporary restraining order yesterday barring ex-husband number 1 Ojani Noa from releasing intimate home videos taken during their 11-month marriage. The NY Daily News says

Noa, 34, was in court without a lawyer and claimed after the ruling it was never his intention to sell the steamy camcorder footage.

He said he planned to make a Borat-style mocumentary about his life as a Cuban immigrant.

“[Lopez] is destroying my life,” Noa [said]. He said the videos — including intimate moments shot on their 1997 honeymoon — were used only for “inspiration.”

The racy reels include shots of Lopez, now 40, “fondling herself” over skimpy clothing and getting spanked, said a source who’s seen the 11+ hours.

Sounds fascinating. No nudity, just footage a Latina woman getting patted on the ass through her clothes. In most hispanic cultures, I’m pretty sure that’s actually considered a formal greeting. Just like the wolf whistle and the double-fisted crotch thrust, which when performed in succession can actually be considered a legally-binding proposal of marriage in most Spanish-speaking countries. Maybe the Daily News never visited Mexico before.

Miss California Carrie Prejean was demanding over a million dollars in compensatory damages from pageant officials in a lawsuit last month — that is, until Pageant attorneys showed Carrie they were in possession of her sex tape. According to TMZ

The video the lawyer showed Carrie is extremely graphic and has never been released publicly. We know that, because TMZ obtained the video months ago but decided not to post it because it was so racy. Let’s just say, Carrie has a promising solo career.

We’re told it took about 15 seconds for Carrie to jettison her demand and essentially walk away. She pocketed nothing in the settlement.

So when it happens to David Letterman, it’s extortion that merits FBI intervention and jail time. When Carrie Prejean is blackmailed out of a million-dollar settlement with a sex tape, it’s just “legal negotiations.” I see. I’ll have to remember that when I show that girl from HR the secret camera-phone footage I took of her on the crapper last week.

Annoyingly censored topless pics before she got the fake titties:

File this one under VOMIT: David Letterman is reportedly worried that a sex tape he made with a female staffer is going to wind up on the web. Hope salt-and-pepper pubes are your thing! According to Showbiz Spy

The chat show host and a much-younger female co-worker have apparently been captured on a studio surveillance tape in a compromising position.

“If the tape makes its way into the criminal case, it’ll explode his marriage to smithereens,” a source [said].

“It’s one thing for him to have publicly admitted to having had sexual relations with some women on his staff. It’s another to see him in the throes of passion with one of those women.

Dave apparently didn’t know the location of the security cameras at his Late Show studio.”

Why in God’s name would you ever want to watch footage of a 62-year old man rutting all over some woman? That’s like the when the doctor asks, “would you like to see the placenta?” Hell no. I can’t think of a single reason you might watch a David Letterman sex tape. Okay… maybe one or two reasons. Here, I made you a list:

THE TOP TEN REASONS YOU MIGHT WATCH A DAVID LETTERMAN SEX TAPE

10. Robert Redford offered you a million dollars to

9. Turns out it cures six types of cancer

8. Someone’s holding a gun to your head

7. Your friend tells you it’s a copy of “The Bridges of Madison County”

6. You’re legally blind

5. You were double-dared, triple-stamped, anti-quitsies no startsies in front of the eighth-graders

4. You’re pledging

3. You have the Viagra “prolonged, persistent erection lasting more than four hours” and nothing has been able to kill it yet

2. You need to induce vomiting and you don’t have any syrup of ipecac

and the number one reason you might watch a David Letterman sex tape:

1. It’s still better than reading this blog

Sienna Miller arriving on to the Late Show last week:

I’m back, bitches! Hope your enjoyed your week with Sonya at the helm. And I also hope you didn’t get to used to actual quality writing, because it’s back to guzzling at the teat of the lowest common denominator now that I’m here! TMZ says

The sex tape starring Shauna Sand is being delayed a week — and it all has to do with whether or not Shauna signed on the dotted line.

Vivid Entertainment says it plans to counter Shauna’s cease and desist letter by bringing in a handwriting expert to prove the release they have is authentic.

And of course, if turns out to be her signature, it will be the only part of Shauna Sand that actually is real. I’m pretty sure the rest of her won’t biodegrade for another 10,000 years.

If you wished upon a star and your blow-up sex doll became a real boy (last two thumbs NSFW):

File this one under “No Thanks”: a Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel sex tape is being shopped around on the interwebs. Oh No They Didn’t says

According to an anonymous source, the former couple (Sarah is now dating Rob Huebel) recorded a 15-minute tape while on vacation a few years ago, but forgot the camera in the resort room - a worker at the resort is now shopping around the tape of the couple allegedly having sex.

Ew. If I want to see some flabby dude sweating all over a hairy ugly chick, I’ll just tie a pound cake to my stepmom and let my dad chase her around until his heart gives out. Won’t cost me a dime, and I still get the same effect. Incapacitating nausea is what we’re going for here, right?

Sarah in Maxim a few years back:

You know what? I get it. Megan Fox, you are gorgeous. Megan Fox, you are sexy. Megan Fox, you love having sex.  Megan Fox, you love to pretend like you’re that nerdy sexy girl that makes every all the guys wet their collective shorts. But Megan Fox, you really suck at false modesty. Don’t go pretending like you think you could possibly look fat. Us Magazine says,

Megan Fox promises she’ll never be involved in a sex tape scandal. Why? She’ll never make one.

“Ugh, never!” the Jennifer’s Body star, 23, tells MTV News. “That’s the last thing I want to see — what I look like having sex. It would take one shot of me not looking good and I would not be able to have sex ever again, because I would always just see myself looking like a hippo having sex.”

God, I hate her. She reminds me of those girls in high school who were so freakishly perfect, yet they needed constant reassurance that they were indeed perfect. Ugh. Stick a Twinkie in it, bitch.

Leaving Casa Del Mar Hotel in Santa Monica after a long press meeting, looking decidedly non-hippo-ish:

A wall safe and a couple of watches were stolen when three men broke into Lindsay Lohan’s house over the weekend, but you didn’t think there was actually money or jewelery in the safe, did you? Ha ha, of course not! It’s Lindsay Lohan! We all know she hasn’t gotten paid in months. According to the Chicago Sun-Times

The real reason Lindsay Lohan is so upset about the theft of the safe from her L.A. house is the contents included some very incriminating videos and photos, plus legal documents, that LiLo believes could cause embarrassment if made public.

The shit’s about to hit the fan, and what Lindsay needs now more than ever is a real mother. That leathery old bag she’s got flapping around her when the cameras are rolling doesn’t count. She needs somebody without an agenda. Someone to pick her up when she falls face-first on a penis. Someone with direction and compassion. Someone who’s proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have what it takes to care for other people. And I don’t like to brag, but I’ve proven that to Child Protective Services like three times in the last year and a half. Call me, Linz!

UPDATE: Lindsay just kinda confirmed this, tweeting “i know it was not a ROBBERY. electronics weren’t taken… just things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me.” Read: nekkid pictures.

Looking high as a kite while shopping last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin