A 3 minute clip from Tila Tequila’s yet-to-be-released lesbian threesome sex tape has leaked online (watch it here), and mother of God is it disgusting. I actually have a vagina, and even I don’t know what I’m seeing in half of the pics. Like (NSFW) here, for instance. What the fuck IS that? Is it the tip of an elephant’s trunk? The all-seeing eye of Sauron? Am I looking into the Sarlaac in the Great Pit of Carkoon? I don’t know whether to be terrified or aroused, so I’m going to go with my gut and just start drinking.

Puppy thumbnails are extremely NSFW screen caps:

There were rumors Kendra Wilkinson was sitting on (no pun intended) a yet-to-be released lesbian sex tape when she released her first sex tape with Justin Frye last year, and now those rumors have been confirmed. According to Radar Online:

“Kendra has sex in the video with Taryn Ryan,” a source close to the situation [said]. “It’s a long tape, about 45 minutes. And there is nothing left to the imagination.”

The tape was shot by Justin Frye, Kendra’s ex boyfriend and partner in last year’s sex tape.

“Kendra and Taryn started fooling around and then Kendra wanted the light turned off,” the source [revealed]. “But the camera that was recording them had night vision, so it looks like the Paris Hilton porn tape. Everything is completely clear.”

There’s $39.95 I won’t be spending. I am NOT a fan of night vision porn. I don’t like what it does to people’s eyes. Having big glow-y green retinas make you look like some kind of hairless raccoon caught rummaging through an overturned trashcan. And who wants to beat off while thinking of raccoons? Forest rangers, maybe, but I’m not Smokey the fucking Bear. Come on. You gotta work with me, people.

Revisit her first sex tape pics here.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

I’m sure when you heard about those 90 students at a Memphis high school who had gotten themselves knocked up, the first thing you thought was, “What does Kim Kardashian have to say about all this?” Well, you’re in luck today, my friends. She wrote (via the Daily Mail):

‘It seems that shows like Teen Mom are all of a sudden making teen pregnancy seem cool in the eyes of young girls… but girls, these are not people you should idolize!

When I think back to when I was 16, there is no way I would even have considered having a baby. Having a baby is one of the biggest, and most life-changing decisions a person can make and while I’m not saying that no teen is in the position to raise a child, having a baby so young shouldn’t be seen as the trendy thing to do.

But Teen Mom star Amber Portwood didn’t exactly take that lying down (EDITOR’S NOTE: ha ha!), telling E! News:

Last time I checked, Kim Kardashian had a sex tape floating around on the internet and I’m pretty sure she made a lot of money off of it. She made a sex tape when she was younger and she wants to bash the girls on Teen Mom?”

You know what they say — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones! And that’s precisely why I live in my parents’ cement-block basement. All that lack of windows and natural light gives me free license to burn anybody I want. Plus the damp air really helps keep my psoraisis at bay!

Promoting her crappy new show:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

This must be what Oprah calls one one of those a-ha! moments.

PHOTO CREDIT: TMZ

Bankrupt and desperate Nadya Suleman has finally found a way to save her house and keep her 14 human larvae from starving: she let somebody videotape her flogging a man wearing a bonnet and a diaper and sell it on the internet. Check and mate, foreclosure! TMZ says:

Octomom stars in a fetish video, in which she whips a grown man wearing a baby diaper and a bonnet.

The video was shot recently in her L.A. area home. The video shows Nadya Suleman, dressed in a black corset [and] black leggings [whipping a man] in the diaper so much so he has welts on his back.

The video is being shopped for sale. We’re told both Nadya and the dude have signed the model release so it can be sold.

In these economic times, you have learn to make some sacrifices. Like your dignity and self-respect, for one. There’s no rate of return on integrity. At least that’s what the guy at the bank told me as he was unzipping his pants.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

You can click here to see Beardy up there chowing down on Ke$ha’s cooter, or you could just lay down on the sidewalk and have someone drop a phone book on your stomach from a couple stories up. The involuntary visceral reaction will be the same either way.

Ashton Kutcher is unleashing his lawyers on Vivid Entertainment after they used his name to promote a sex tape starring his alleged mistress Brittney Jones (see her naked here). TMZ says:

Ashton’s lawyer’s have fired off a letter to Vivid Entertainment claiming they’re specifically pissed over a press release for the video, which says, “Ashton’s fans will undoubtedly enjoy seeing what the star himself may have experienced.”

Ashton’s lawyers claim Vivid is infringing on the actor’s “marketable celebrity identity value” — and promise they will unleash a legal nightmare against Vivid unless they stop associating his name with the Brittney Jones porn.

Yes, nothing piques a person’s interest like the prospect of seeing where Ashton Kutcher sticks his wiener. Who among us hasn’t lain awake at night fantasizing about the star of “Dude Where’s My Car’s” sloppy seconds?

Acting legend Tony Curtis passed away yesterday at the age of 85, but he didn’t have any sex tapes for sale, so you can understand why I have to devote the rest of this post to Hobgoblin of the Orient Tila Tequila. It’s called “pageviews,” people. It’s not my fault that all you want to look at is smut. TMZ says:

There are two [Tila Tequila sex] tapes, two different partners with two different sexes, and two porn companies bidding for both.

Vivid Entertainment wants both the girl-on-girl and guy-on-girl configurations — but another company has already gotten a hold of one of the tapes and is angling for the second.

A source close to the negotiations tells us it’s an all-out porn war.

Just file that one two under “Sex Tapes Nobody Wants to See,” right next to “Screeched: Saved by the Smell” and footage of Rosie O’Donnell defiling herself with a pork tenderloin.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The whole time Playboy centerfold Karissa Shannon was claiming her sex tape had been “stolen” and went around feigning outrage for the media, she was secretly negotiating a deal with adult film company Vivid Entertainment for its mass release. She might have gotten away with her little “I’m the victim” ruse, too, except here she is posing in S&M inspired lingerie to promote it. Clever girl. She makes Jessica Simpson look like a goddamn Nobel Laureate.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Playboy skank Karissa Shannon has reportedly signed a deal with Vivid Entertainment that will allow for mass distribution of her sex tape with Sam Jones. Nine MSN says:

The 20-year-old made the tape with Smallville actor Sam Jones and both have now signed a deal in the ‘six-figure range’ with porn company Vivid Entertainment.

Vivid Entertainment boss Steven Hirsch said, “We are excited to finally distribute this amazing DVD. Not only is it extremely kinky for a celeb sex tape, Karissa is absolutely beautiful.

And as for Sam, let’s just say he’s no ‘Smallville’. This is sure to be one of our all-time best sellers.”

You better believe I would be on Karissa like a damn timber wolf on a titmouse. There’d be nothing but scraps of patriotic bikini and a couple of tufts of blond hair left when I got through with her. Think “sexual Tazmanian devil” meets “Love Hurricane.” Which, incidentally, is also my Mom’s CB handle.

Heidi Montag’s sex tape might not ever see the light of day, but one of her supposed co-stars will still get her chance to bare all on the internet — a “stolen” tape of Playmate Karissa Shannon doing the nasty has mysteriously fallen into Vivid Entertainment’s lap. TMZ says:

Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch [says] he actually laid eyes on the tape which co-stars Karissa’s boyfriend, “Smallville” actor Sam Jones III. Hirsch says it was sent to him from “a reputable third party” and that he’d “love to be able to release it.”

The footage in question sounds a lot like the sex tape Karissa claims Spencer Pratt stole from her house — which she’s threatening to sue him over if he doesn’t return.

Vivid’s chief isn’t divulging who dropped the tape in his lap, but does say he’s “very impressed with the quality and content.”

If it was a “reputable third party” who gave it to Vivid, then it must not have been Spencer Pratt who leaked it. They would have used the term “belligerent loudmouthed fame-hungry assface.” Maybe the cleaning woman found it or something.

Sam and Karissa not having sex outside of Trousdale last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I hope the recent turmoil between Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt hasn’t shaken your faith in true love, because Spencer still believes his marriage has a chance, and he’s willing to fight for it in front of a neutral third party for sixty minutes twice a week. Somebody will probably write a country song about it one day. TMZ says:

Spencer still “loves” his estranged wife … and is willing to do whatever it takes to stop the divorce.

In fact, we’re told Spencer has finally admitted to having a “fame addiction” and wants to seek help for that too.

As for Heidi — we’re told she’s down to work things out, despite all of the public drama he’s put her through recently.

The timing on that therapy ought to work out nicely, because they’re gonna have to work together to get the ball rolling on their sex tape next week. TMZ adds:

Heidi has agreed to listen to Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch when he arrives in Costa Rica to make an offer on the footage.

Heidi wants Hirsch to provide her with the sales numbers on Kim Kardashian’s sex tape — which was also released through Vivid — because Heidi may be interested in working out a “back-end deal” if Steve can’t offer enough cash up front to satisfy Montag.

Hirsch told us he’s leaving for Costa Rica sometime next week.

Some times you have to get down to brass tacks to make a marriage work. Strip away everything and everybody unnecessary — just the two of them alone in a room, focusing on what’s important. Except for the therapist, of course. She’ll have to be there. And maybe that Vivid guy. Probably also that Playmate on the video, because she’ll have to sign off on the tape. Possibly her lawyer. And then a couple of X17 photographers and maybe an InTouch Weekly staff reporter or two and hair and makeup people for Heidi and a camera crew to document it all for the new reality show Spencer’s pitching to MTV. It’s the only way they’ll have a chance to really connect and save this marriage once and for all.

The chick from the video, Karissa Shannon:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures