Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal made an impromptu visit to a sex toy and underwear emporium during their recent trip to London. Yeah, I’m sure Jake’s never been in some place like that before. Star Magazine says

While shopping in a Myla boutique on the West End, Reese beckoned [Jake] into the changing rooms… [with] various bra and panty sets.

Jake brought some items up to the cash register, then Reese paid with her credit card. On the way out of the store, the lovebirds stopped, giggling at a display of sex toys.

I’m sure you noticed gaping hole in Star’s lingerie show timeline. What was Jake doing from the time Reese went into the dressing room with the panties until the moment he arrived at the register with her card? Use your deductive reasoning skills. Was it:

A) Fetal position and lots of crying

B) Feigned enthusiasm and barely-contained vomit, or

C) Putting on the bra and panty set and belting out “I Feel Pretty” while twirling a parasol and high-stepping in peep-toe pumps

I think the only way the answer could be any more obvious is if it could physically bitch-slap you in the face and hiss, “Girlfriend please.”

Reese working some serious T-Rex arms while jogging last month:

Britney Spears has acquired her very own deranged stalker! What started out as the occasional bizarre letter has escalated to bi-weekly package deliveries in the last six weeks. According to OK! Magazine

“The first thing you see when you open the box is a huge, lavender, battery-operated sex toy…. and two [threatening and pornographic] letters. The handwritten one is on note paper and it’s written in all-caps chicken scratch,” says the source. The [other] typed letter contains vivid, pornographic details of the writer’s fantasy exploits with Britney.

The scariest item inside the package is what [appears] to be a picture of the sender — a middle-aged caucasian male with stringy, greasy hair — with the eyes cut out of the photo, in which he [is] squirting some sort of yellowish liquid into his open mouth. “It’s like something from a bad movie,” says the source. “If I hadn’t seen it myself, I wouldn’t believe it.”

The guy sounds less like a deranged stalker and more like a dream response to a Britney-themed personal ad. Penchant for processed foods with nozzle dispensers? Check. Aversion to bathing? Check. Arsenal of sex-toys in pastel colors? Check, check, check. The only way this guy could be any more perfect is if he came with a Hickory Farms Beef & Cheese basket and dreams of rap stardom.

Britney Spears heading to Off Broadway for a little discount shoe shopping: