19-year old Mariah Yeater filed papers in court yesterday alleging that she had sex with 17-year-old Justin Bieber after his October 25th concert in Los Angeles, and now she wants him to take a paternity test to “scientifically confirm” he is the father of her three-month-old son. So Justin doesn’t have pubes, but he has a son. Yeah, right. Adding to the drama is the fact that he’s been dating Disney starlet Selena Gomez this whole time. The Daily Mail says:

In an affidavit, [Yeater] allegedly said a security guard working for Bieber approached her and ‘asked if I wanted to meet Justin Bieber’ backstage.

‘Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.

‘He told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.’

She said he led her to a bathroom where ‘immediately his personality changed drastically’.

She allegedly claimed: ‘I asked him to put a condom on for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.’

In court papers filed on Monday, she is also demanding Bieber ‘provide adequate support for my baby’.

Californian Yeater also claims that her sexual encounter with Bieber was ‘brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds’.

Justin Bieber is a one-pump chump? That sounds about right. Everyone’s awful at sex when they’re seventeen. All the awkward fumbling and poking and prodding. It’s almost like being examined by a vet.

Girlfriend Selena Gomez at The Fulfillment Fund’s 2011 Stars Gala November 1st:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

You know that uncomfortable feeling you get when someone has no sense of dignity and spills their guts everywhere? Yeah, this is one of those stories. Sinead O’Connor is the perpetrator, and Huffington Post tells the ugly tale:

In a blog entry titled, “IS SINEAD ABOUT TO HUMP HER TRUCK?” O’connor worries that she’s “so desperate for sex” that she might do something drastic.

“My sh-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners,” she writes.

“Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it’s VERY depressing.”

So to avoid the temptation of vegetables or automobiles, O’Connor has taken to her blog and twitter to try to find a suitable mate.

This call to arms for a “sweet sex-starved man” does not come without its stipulations.

The singer has crafted a rather thorough list of musts (“Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous”) and must nots (“Must not be named Brian or Nigel”).

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, the good times don’t stop at the produce section.

“Let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I ‘do anal’ and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’.. Don’t apply…”

Also, women “will also be very much considered.”

Applications will be funneled through O’Connor’s assistant. (Really.)

Thinking about dumpy Sinead humping trucks and doing anal is slightly less discomfiting than say, watching your teenaged mentally-challenged neighbor discover the joys of masturbation on the front porch. I only say it’s slightly less disturbing because I was able to record the incident in order to bribe his sister with it, who happened to be a royal bitch to me at school. In Sinead’s situation, I have no such chance of personal gain, so yes, it’s more disturbing.

Hey, speaking of anal, here’s Kim Kardashian at the MTV Video Music Awards:

36-year-old mom of fourteen Nadya Suleman talked about her loathing of sex and masturbation as she posed in a bikini for the latest issue of Steppin’ Out magazine. They wanted her to talk about her loathing of food while wearing a chef’s hat and gnawing on a turkey leg, but everyone agreed that just seemed weird. The NY Daily News says:

Even when she was married, Suleman said she never liked to be intimate with her husband.

“I can tell you that I never touched [my husband] physically. It was a different type of marriage. I’m the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don’t need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don’t .. I have zero sexual interest.”

And that includes with herself.

“I’ve never even touched myself in that way,” she added. “Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. I never tried it so I don’t know what I’m missing.”

Fourteen kids, but completely sexually repressed? Sounds like a textbook Catholic if you ask me.

Because dumping Hugh Hefner just 36 hours before the wedding wasn’t humiliating enough, Playboy’s own runaway bride Crystal Harris went on The Howard Stern Show yesterday to tell everyone he sucked in bed, too. The Daily Mail says:

Harris said sex with the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds.”

She added: “Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahhh.’ I was over it. I just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.”

She dealt a further blow to the ladies man’s reputation when she revealed they had only been intimate once.

She said: “He doesn’t really take off his clothes. I’ve never seen Hef naked.”

And he was going to marry this bitch. Unbelievable. She completely and utterly humiliated him. There could be pictures of him being spoon-fed creamed corn in an adult diaper with his pants around his knees and he still would seem like less of a doddering old fool than he does right now.

Whoring her whore self in Vegas:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I would read Cat Fancy or Progressive Grocer before I ever picked up a copy of any magazine that claimed Shia LaBeouf was “the most honest and complex actor alive,” but Details does just that in their latest issue. In the interview, Shia bitches, moans, pisses and complains no less than 17 times before claiming he boned Megan Fox in the next-to-last paragraph. Always wanna end on a high note, those honest and complex types. Details says:

Asked if he hooked up with Fox, LaBeouf nods affirmatively. “Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them,” he explains. “I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.”

When I inquire about Fox’s status at the time with her longtime boyfriend, Brian Austin Green, LaBeouf replies, “I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know,” repeating the phrase exactly 12 times with various intonations, as if trying to get it just right. Finally, he says, “It was what it was.”

If you had banged Megan Fox, you’d be shouting it from the damn rooftops, not shaking your head in befuddlement before coming up with some infuriatingly evasive cliche like “it was what it was.” That’s the kind of cop-out answer that falls under the heading “Vague and Nondescript Answers You Give Your Buddies When You Get Denied,” along with such favorites as “well, stuff happened” and “sorry, but I don’t kiss and tell.”

PHOTO SOURCE: Details Magazine

I’m sure you’ve lost many a good night’s sleep this week wondering if Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez had really broken up. Well, worry no more, my friends — Cammy and A-Rod are on like Donkey Kong. And by no means is that a racist slur directed at Mr. Rodriguez. Page Six says:

Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz shared a romantic weekend in LA, despite recent reports the pair had split.

The Yankee slugger and actress looked cozy at Soho House on Sunday night at the MTV Movie Awards after-party. They were also spotted having lunch and holding hands at the club in West Hollywood on Thursday.

A source told us, “Alex has been staying with Cameron while the Yankees were in Anaheim.”

And furthermore, Cameron claims she’s an insatiable lover with a ravenous appetite for all kinds of dirty monkey love. EDITOR’S NOTE: That is also not a racial slur directed at Mr. Rodriguez. She told Britain’s the News Of The World (via the Daily Mail):

“Sex is my favorite sport. And what’s the quickest way to get me in the mood? I’m always in the mood!”

With that muscular physique, piercing eyes and a neck boasting sinews like riggings on a brigantine, there’s no denying the raw sexual appeal of such an impressive physical specimen. I’m talking about Cameron, of course. When it’s either have sex with her or arm wrestle her, the smart man picks the one that hurts less.

Promoting her new movie “Bad Movie Teacher”:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Ho-hum. Lady Gaga’s constant sexually-themed quotes are getting old. I sometimes think she sits around trying to think of something shocking to say. Celebrity Fix says,

Gaga has revealed to US Vogue magazine that performing on stage is her ultimate turn on.

“Sometimes, being on stage is like having sex with my fans,” said the 24-year-old.

“They’re the only people on the planet who, in an instant, can make me just lose it.”

You know, I’m starting to think that she’s really a virgin and she’s making all this crap up. It could be she’s like Allison Reynolds from the Breakfast Club. She lies about having all these sexual experiences, wears weird clothes and does strange shit to get attention because she’s neglected by her workaholic parents at home. Maybe all little Stefani really needs is a hug! I don’t think I’d be up to giving her a hug, since I really don’t like her. Do you think a punch would suffice?

Smoke and mirrors, my friends. Smoke and mirrors:

I’m not sure who’s getting the shorter end of the stick here–and both of them are getting short ends, it’s just a matter of who’s got it worse. Miley Cyrus has been seen getting all cozy with Joshua Bowman, who “briefly dated” Amy Winehouse. Um, ew? Says Daily News,

Cyrus was spotted cuddling over the weekend in a Los Angeles park with Josh Bowman, her “Undercover” co-star.

In a video obtained by TMZ, the two can be seen sitting on the grass with Cyrus lying in Bowman’s lap. The actor has his arms wrapped tightly around his leading lady.

“So Undercover” reportedly finished shooting last month, with a source describing the pair to E! Online as “inseparable” at the wrap party.

This isn’t the first time Cyrus has grown close with an on-screen lover (or a foreign one, at that).

The Australia-born Liam Hemsworth, 21, dated the actress-singer for more than a year after meeting on the set of “The Last Song.” They split in November.

As for the 22-year-old Bowman, he briefly dated fellow Brit Amy Winehouse in 2009.

I don’t care if Bowman’s junk hasn’t been near Amy Winehouse’s Cave of Horrors since 2009, being in that stank-hole has got to have lasting repercussions. It’s got to be like the nuclear fallout from Chernobyl. It may look safe until your hair starts to fall out and your future kids have an extra arm growing out of their foreheads. You don’t even want to mess around with that shit.

Courting DNA mutation in LA:

Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester talks sex, drugs and rock and roll in the January issue of Allure magazine. Us Weekly says:

“We had craaaazy parties — bands, an ice luge, a fire twirler,” the actress, 24, [says] of sharing a North Hollywood pad with a group of pals in her late teens.

“We would go out all the time,” she tells the mag. “I definitely got to have some experiences.”

One thing the singer isn’t a big fan [of: dating.]

“I don’t see the point in dating,” Meester tells Allure. “I hate it. [But] it’s definitely wonderful to… have sex.”

Long story short: she likes to booze it up and sleep around. So basically, her life reads just like my eHarmony profile. See, I have way more in common with celebrities than you think!

PHOTO CREDIT: Allure

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Camille Grammer is threatening to unleash a series of sex tapes she made with ex-husband Kelsey Grammer if he doesn’t cough enough dough in their divorce settlement. Star Magazine says:

“Camille fully intends on staying a very rich woman,” a friend [reveals]. “She wants a ton of money in the settlement. And she’s willing to do whatever it takes to retain her lavish lifestyle.”

“Camille likes to remind Kelsey all the time that she has dirt on him. And she’s so upset over him dumping her for young flight attendant… she’s ready and willing to embarrass him if he doesn’t give her a huge alimony payment,” the friend revealed.

And while Kelsey would be red-faced over the tapes going public Camille is far less shy. In fact, she’s already posed for Playboy and starred in two mainstream erotic movies in the 1990s.

I guess Frasier does know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs after all. Excuse me while I go gouge out my mind’s eye.

Sex-tape era times:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

It seems to be physically impossible for David Arquette to shut his stupid piehole about his and Courtney Cox’s “trial” separation, because he phoned into Howard Stern’s radio show for a second time yesterday to tell the world that they didn’t have a prenup and that he cried after having sex with another woman. The Daily Mail says:

Arquette [revealed that] the couple didn’t have a prenuptial agreement, meaning Arquette could get half of Cox’s fortune, which he said is worth around $100 million dollars.

The actor [also] revealed that he slept with a blond Australian he met at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. He went on to claim that it wasn’t a great or satisfying experience, explaining it lacked “that emotional love that I always had with Court.”

“After the first girl I slept with… a few days later, I was, like, crying,” he confessed. “It was the end of all the intimacy I shared with my wife. It was like a new thing. It was like… putting that away.”

I don’t understand all the hullabaloo. So he cried after sex. Big deal! I always cry after sex. And usually during. And then again when I’m in the shower scouring my genitals with Pinesol and reciting I Corinthians 6 verses 18-20.

Mary Katherine Gallagher might have liked to smell her own armpits, but at least she didn’t go sniffing other people’s BO like Drew Barrymore. Says Digital Spy,

Drew Barrymore has said that she likes to keep hold of boyfriends’ sweaty t-shirts so that she can smell the love between them.

The Whip It director revealed to Bang Showbiz her belief that a person’s scent can evoke powerful feelings of passion, desire and devotion.

“Love smells good – like somebody’s skin,” she mused. “It’s amazing to me that, when you fall in love with someone, you just start to love the way they smell.

“If I have to go away from someone I say, ‘Wear this t-shirt for five days in a row, then I’m going to take it with me’.”

Barrymore also argued that sex has the power to ruin a friendship: “Don’t tell me it hasn’t happened to you. You f**ked a friend and you’re like, ‘S**t, it’s not going to be the same. We had everything. Why did you f**k me?’ And then you can’t be friends any more.”

Oh yeah, I know all about smelling love. It’s that smell that my ex had when he’d come home from a night out with the boys at Flesh Nightclub. It had top notes of dirty coochie along with a blossoming heart of overflowing ashtray and a trailing endnote of shame and degradation. It might sound like a cheap enough scent, but it ended up costing almost the whole of our savings.

Wearing what looks like Goodwill’s castoffs: