Sorry about the erratic posting today and yesterday. I didn’t want to tell you this, because I know how you worry, but… I was the victim of a hate crime. Yes. Two nights ago after I did a pub crawl with a couple of friends, someone broke into my house, overturned several pieces of furniture, put frozen lasagna still in the box in the oven on broil, which ultimately set fire to the kitchen. They also pissed in my bed and barfed in my hair. If that’s not a hate crime, I don’t know what is. Somehow I slept through the whole thing, so I assume they were ninjas or maybe Navy SEALs.

Anyway, I’m gonna post tomorrow, too, to make up for the lack of consistent snark, so check back. I also have more pics of former Playboy model Shauna Sand out on the beach, totally blowing some guy and then fucking him right there in front of the paparazzi on the beach. I don’t think her daughters will be as ashamed of their mother’s whoring as much as they’re ashamed that she would fuck a guy wearing acid-washed daisy dukes. I doubt they’ll ever fully recover.

UPDATE: Now with twice the denim hot pants fun!

In case the giant stars didn’t tip you off, these pics are so, SO NSFW:

Of course his camp is claiming it’s all bullshit, but John Travolta found himself on the business end of a lawsuit today after a male masseur he’d hired claimed the actor attempted to have sex with him during a session. No, the male masseur was not Tom Cruise in a pair of kitten heeels and a Rita Hayworth wig, but still a good guess anyway. TMZ says:

According to the lawsuit, Travolta saw the masseur’s ad online, and scheduled an appointment for $200 an hour. The masseur did not know it was Travolta when the appointment was booked, but followed instructions and met up with a black Lexus SUV, which Travolta was driving.

Travolta and the masseur, who says he saw Trojan condoms in the center console, drove to the Beverly Hills Hotel and went to Travolta’s bungalow.

Travolta stripped naked, appearing semi-erect. The masseur says he told Travolta to lay down on the table and the first hour went without incident. Then, according to legal docs, Travolta began rubbing the masseur’s leg, touched his scrotum and the shaft of his penis.

The masseur claims he told Travolta he did not have sex with his clients, but Travolta was undeterred, offering to do a “reverse massage,” adding, “Come on dude, I’ll jerk you off!!!”

The suit goes on to allege Travolta then masturbated and told the masseur he got to where he was “due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ days,” adding “Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity.”

The masseur — who is only listed as John Doe — claims Travolta called him a loser, but then doubled the hourly rate and sent him on his way.

The suit seeks $2 million plus punitive damages.

If I had a nickel for every time I’d said, “Come on, dude, I’ll jerk you off” in order to keep some guy from leaving, I’d totally be a thousandaire by now. But on to more pressing things — things like how John Travolta’s wiener could be so completely unhampered by repeated rejections. I don’t see how you could be told no over and over again and still manage to maintain an erection. But then my last name’s not Roethlisberger or Polanski.

Here’s a hearty helping of WTF?! — Rihanna was busted going into Ashton Kutcher’s house in the middle of the night and sneaking out four hours later. The Daily Mail says:

The 24-year-old singer was spotted by a photographer as she drove up to Ashton’s property with her security team around midnight.

The snapper confirmed to TMZ that the Barbados-born singer… didn’t leave until roughly 4am.

Rihanna and Ashton are both so pretty — just imagine if the two of them had kids! The little bastards would be totally fucked in the musical talent and acting ability department, but as mommy and daddy have amply demonstrated, being pretty negates the need for either in this industry nowadays.

Leaving Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica yesterday:

Esquire’s back to their usual secret gay agenda trickery by putting Sofia Vergara in a corset on the cover of next month’s issue and stamping the word “sex” in all caps directly over her hoo-ha, figuring it’s so over-the-top and in-your-face that your average heterosexual male will hardly even notice the tiny little words printed there in the bottom corner: “14% of married men say they have had sex with a guy.” They’re banking on you not noticing until you’ve already invested in a pair of driving moccasins and started sharting Astroglide. Trust.

Porn star Alex “Voodoo” Torres of sky-diving intercourse fame claimed on The Jim Richards radio show Friday that he had bedded actress Lindsay Lohan, even going as far as to insinuate that she had paid him for his services. I’ll pause here for dramatic effect. The Daily Mail says:

When Richards asked Torres for suggestions as to what questions he should dole out to Michael Lohan during an impending interview, the porn star said: ‘Ask him if he knows about that night I had with his daughter [Lindsay] while he was sleeping upstairs.’

As the radio host kept questioning the statements Torres was making, the porn star simply said: ‘I’m not joking… many of these Hollywood celebrities pay me a high price dollar to come and satisfy them.’

Richards attempted to clarify and pressed: ‘So you’ve been with Lindsay Lohan?’

Torres replied: ‘I’m saying that.’

Lohan’s representative Steve Honig [said]: ‘I don’t feel the need to respond to claims made by a porn star.’

I don’t buy it for a second. Not because I don’t think Lindsay Lohan would hire a hooker, but because there’s no way Lindsay Lohan could actually afford a hooker. Prostitutes get all kinds of huffy when you try to pay them in rock crystals and buddy brand cigarettes.

Arriving at the morgue for more community service last week:

Jessica Simpson told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show today that she never felt more in touch with her body and her sexuality than now when pushing two hundred pounds and constantly farting. Lucky guy, that Eric Johnson. Us Magazine says:

“I am definitely ‘feeling intimate,’” the sassy Texan said. “I’m kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever!”

Johnson, 32, is definitely game, she added. “He’s always ready.”

The fashion mogul also explained her decision to go nude for the April cover of ELLE magazine. “They didn’t even ask me to do that,” she said. “It was my idea… I’m like 170 pounds and I wanted to pose nude. It’s funny to be at your heaviest and feel the most confident… I just love my body more than ever now.”

Bullshit. I’ve been pregnant. At eight and a half months, you don’t “love your body more than ever.” You fucking hate it. By then the roundness has long since stopped being cute and instead your belly is distended to almost horror-movie proportions, criss-crossed with angry red stretch marks and bulging veins and linea negras and the occasional blob of Rocky Road ice cream that missed your mouth because you were shoveling it in with a serving spoon directly out of the carton. Anybody who claims otherwise is a damn liar.

25-year old Lindsay Lohan reportedly enjoyed a “steamy night of passion” with 46-year-old notorious pervert photographer Terry Richardson — I’ll pause for any involuntary retching you may experience after reading that — but it seems one night with Lilo was more than enough for Terry. Radar Online says:

“They had a major night of passion after they worked on this photo shoot together and now she’s going all out to get her claws into him,” a source [said]. “But Terry is just not interested in pursuing a relationship with Lindsay and totally regrets hooking up with her.

“Lindsay has been texting and phoning him nonstop and he’s actually kind of freaked out by how strong she’s been coming on to him; it’s all pretty unseemly. As Terry said, there’s nothing more unattractive than a desperate woman. It’s a difficult situation though as they move in the same circles and have a lot of mutual friends. He’s trying to work out a way to let her down gently without blowing their friendship.”

Terry Richardson is bird-chested, bald, middle-aged and looks like either a serial killer or a pedophile depending on the lighting, and the general consensus among the women he photographs is that he’s fucking disgusting. And yet even he’s passing on Lindsay Lohan. In the immortal words of Michael Kelso, “BUUUUURRN!”

Lindsay (or possibly Dee Snider) at the opening of Terrywood by Terry Richardson in L.A. last month:

19-year old Mariah Yeater filed papers in court yesterday alleging that she had sex with 17-year-old Justin Bieber after his October 25th concert in Los Angeles, and now she wants him to take a paternity test to “scientifically confirm” he is the father of her three-month-old son. So Justin doesn’t have pubes, but he has a son. Yeah, right. Adding to the drama is the fact that he’s been dating Disney starlet Selena Gomez this whole time. The Daily Mail says:

In an affidavit, [Yeater] allegedly said a security guard working for Bieber approached her and ‘asked if I wanted to meet Justin Bieber’ backstage.

‘Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.

‘He told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.’

She said he led her to a bathroom where ‘immediately his personality changed drastically’.

She allegedly claimed: ‘I asked him to put a condom on for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.’

In court papers filed on Monday, she is also demanding Bieber ‘provide adequate support for my baby’.

Californian Yeater also claims that her sexual encounter with Bieber was ‘brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds’.

Justin Bieber is a one-pump chump? That sounds about right. Everyone’s awful at sex when they’re seventeen. All the awkward fumbling and poking and prodding. It’s almost like being examined by a vet.

Girlfriend Selena Gomez at The Fulfillment Fund’s 2011 Stars Gala November 1st:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

You know that uncomfortable feeling you get when someone has no sense of dignity and spills their guts everywhere? Yeah, this is one of those stories. Sinead O’Connor is the perpetrator, and Huffington Post tells the ugly tale:

In a blog entry titled, “IS SINEAD ABOUT TO HUMP HER TRUCK?” O’connor worries that she’s “so desperate for sex” that she might do something drastic.

“My sh-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners,” she writes.

“Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it’s VERY depressing.”

So to avoid the temptation of vegetables or automobiles, O’Connor has taken to her blog and twitter to try to find a suitable mate.

This call to arms for a “sweet sex-starved man” does not come without its stipulations.

The singer has crafted a rather thorough list of musts (“Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous”) and must nots (“Must not be named Brian or Nigel”).

Oh, and just in case you were wondering, the good times don’t stop at the produce section.

“Let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I ‘do anal’ and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’.. Don’t apply…”

Also, women “will also be very much considered.”

Applications will be funneled through O’Connor’s assistant. (Really.)

Thinking about dumpy Sinead humping trucks and doing anal is slightly less discomfiting than say, watching your teenaged mentally-challenged neighbor discover the joys of masturbation on the front porch. I only say it’s slightly less disturbing because I was able to record the incident in order to bribe his sister with it, who happened to be a royal bitch to me at school. In Sinead’s situation, I have no such chance of personal gain, so yes, it’s more disturbing.

Hey, speaking of anal, here’s Kim Kardashian at the MTV Video Music Awards:

36-year-old mom of fourteen Nadya Suleman talked about her loathing of sex and masturbation as she posed in a bikini for the latest issue of Steppin’ Out magazine. They wanted her to talk about her loathing of food while wearing a chef’s hat and gnawing on a turkey leg, but everyone agreed that just seemed weird. The NY Daily News says:

Even when she was married, Suleman said she never liked to be intimate with her husband.

“I can tell you that I never touched [my husband] physically. It was a different type of marriage. I’m the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don’t need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don’t .. I have zero sexual interest.”

And that includes with herself.

“I’ve never even touched myself in that way,” she added. “Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. I never tried it so I don’t know what I’m missing.”

Fourteen kids, but completely sexually repressed? Sounds like a textbook Catholic if you ask me.

Because dumping Hugh Hefner just 36 hours before the wedding wasn’t humiliating enough, Playboy’s own runaway bride Crystal Harris went on The Howard Stern Show yesterday to tell everyone he sucked in bed, too. The Daily Mail says:

Harris said sex with the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds.”

She added: “Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahhh.’ I was over it. I just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.”

She dealt a further blow to the ladies man’s reputation when she revealed they had only been intimate once.

She said: “He doesn’t really take off his clothes. I’ve never seen Hef naked.”

And he was going to marry this bitch. Unbelievable. She completely and utterly humiliated him. There could be pictures of him being spoon-fed creamed corn in an adult diaper with his pants around his knees and he still would seem like less of a doddering old fool than he does right now.

Whoring her whore self in Vegas:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I would read Cat Fancy or Progressive Grocer before I ever picked up a copy of any magazine that claimed Shia LaBeouf was “the most honest and complex actor alive,” but Details does just that in their latest issue. In the interview, Shia bitches, moans, pisses and complains no less than 17 times before claiming he boned Megan Fox in the next-to-last paragraph. Always wanna end on a high note, those honest and complex types. Details says:

Asked if he hooked up with Fox, LaBeouf nods affirmatively. “Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them,” he explains. “I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.”

When I inquire about Fox’s status at the time with her longtime boyfriend, Brian Austin Green, LaBeouf replies, “I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know,” repeating the phrase exactly 12 times with various intonations, as if trying to get it just right. Finally, he says, “It was what it was.”

If you had banged Megan Fox, you’d be shouting it from the damn rooftops, not shaking your head in befuddlement before coming up with some infuriatingly evasive cliche like “it was what it was.” That’s the kind of cop-out answer that falls under the heading “Vague and Nondescript Answers You Give Your Buddies When You Get Denied,” along with such favorites as “well, stuff happened” and “sorry, but I don’t kiss and tell.”

PHOTO SOURCE: Details Magazine