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The only reason Mila Kunis is the “sexiest woman alive” is because I was proclaimed dead after a house fire in 2003. Shame on Esquire for not doing their research.

Because every girl needs a pair of shiny black pants:

Damn skippy she is. Holy shit. Kate Beckinsale makes that idiot Megan Fox look like a fucking amateur. And she’s four years away from being 40! I’d say 36 is the new 69! Get it? 69? God, I hate myself.

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Six months after giving birth and at the age of 42, actress Halle Berry has been named Esquire magazine’s sexiest woman alive. NY Daily News says

At 42, [Halle] feels hotter than ever. [She says in the November issue of the mag] “I know damned well I am sexier now than I used to be. Sexiness is a state of mind. You know the stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That’s all true. And in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damned good orgasms these days.”

Well, good for Halle Berry. Good for all the new Hollywood mothers out there in the magical fantasy land of nannies and personal trainers and on-staff chefs and Hydromassage. For the rest of us, becoming a new mom isn’t a exactly a time of sexual rebirth and discovery. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only thing that could make your libido dry up quicker than having a newborn is maybe packing your vagina full of salt and then burying it in lime.

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