One of the stars of TLC’s shit hit show “Cake Boss” was arrested for sexually assaulting a minor earlier this month. I was going to say “the dirty wetback-looking one,” but with that ensemble, it’s not as helpful as you would think. So I just circled him instead. TMZ says:

Remy Gonzalez — who is married to “Cake Boss” Buddy Valastro’s sister — is charged with aggravated sexual assault, sexual assault, criminal sexual contact, and endangering the welfare of a child.

A rep for TLC says, “We support Buddy and the Valastro family during this very difficult and challenging time… and as this doesn’t involve us, we will not be commenting any further.”

Remy Gonzalez is currently being held in Morris County Jail in New Jersey on $300,000 bail.

And just what is “aggravated sexual assault?” I’m glad you asked. It is legally defined as:

1. Sexual assault that maims, wounds, or disfigures the victim or involves a victim who is physically or mentally incapacitated

2. Sexual assault wherein the perpetrator is related to the victim by blood OR has supervisory or disciplinary power over the victim, e.g. a foster parent, a guardian, or someone who stands in loco parentis within the household.

3. Sexual assault on someone who is under the age of thirteen

So given the aforementioned legal definition and the high dollar amount at which bail was set, it’s pretty obvious whatever Senor Gonzalez did was just god-awful. Who knows? He very well may have raped his wife’s retarded 11-year old stepniece while burning her with cigarettes. I can’t really say. All I can do here is aimlessly conjecture and wildly speculate. That’s why it says “Making Shit Up Since 2003″ right here on my business cards.

Cindy Crawford for TSUM’s Autumn/Winter ad campaign, because she is neither under the age of 13 nor maimed by penetration:

Oh, there’s definitely some global warming going on — in Al Gore’s pants, that is! High five! An Oregon masseuse has gone public with her 2006 sexual abuse allegations against the former vice president. The NY Post says:

The allegations by the 54-year-old woman had been kept under wraps for years, but were uncovered in the wake of Gore’s recent split from wife Tipper. Tipper had previously complained about her husband’s trips to massage therapists and reportedly suspected he may have been involved with one.

The woman’s lawyer [said] she decided to file a complaint, alleging that Gore — who signed into the hotel as “Mr. Stone” — repeatedly subjected her to unwanted sexual touching.

“I finally got out the door after being forcefully being pulled back in the room . . . a couple times and trying to leave, to be groped and fondled and have tongue kisses forced on me. . . . and that’s when he’s saying, ‘You know you want to do it.’ ”

She said Gore was so persistent, she derided him for “being a crazed sex poodle.” The woman also claimed she even saved pants she wore the night of the encounter after noticing suspicious stains on the garment, a police report noted.

[Hotel documents confirm] Gore ordered up a 90-minute “therapeutic massage” at Hotel Lucia after 11 p.m. on Oct. 24, 2006. That session was followed by a 75-minute “shin do session.”

Shin do, or shin shi? Maybe the brochure wasn’t clear. I once paid good money for a O2 Marine Facial, and let me tell you, it was NOT what I expected at all. There was no facial, and there sure as hell wasn’t any “O.” There wasn’t even a guy in a uniform. And yet they’re the ones who ended up pressing charges. I didn’t even get my money back.

Gisele Bundchen in bikini for Calzedonia (video after the jump), because Al Gore looks like, um, Al fucking Gore:

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It seems Roman Polanski has a habit of raping underage girls — an actress who starred in one of his movies has come forward claiming he “forced himself” her when she was only sixteen, much like he forced himself on that thirteen-year old girl back in 1978. People magazine says

[Actress] Charlotte Lewis, who appeared in Polanski’s 1986 film Pirates, made the allegation in a press conference held at her attorney Gloria Allred’s office. Allred described Polanski’s alleged behavior as “sexually predatory conduct.”

“[Polanski] sexually abused me in the worst possible way when I was just 16,” said Lewis [in] a prepared statement. “He knew [how old I was] when he met me and forced himself upon me in his apartment in Paris. I have lived with the effects of his behavior ever since it occurred. I’ve traveled to the U.S. at my own expense to make sure that justice is finally done and that Mr. Polanski gets what he deserves. All I want is justice.”

It was alcohol, quaaludes and forced anal penetration for the eighth grader, so I imagine Charlotte got the same kind of special Polanski treatment. But remember, Whoopi Goldberg says that doesn’t actually qualify as “rape rape.” So to test her theory, I propose that we forcefeed her two granddaughters barbiturates and then lock them in a motel room with Roman for 36 hours and just “see where it all goes.” Then we can all sit down together and come to an agreement on what constitutes “rape-rape,” because this whole “legal gray area” is just so gosh-darn confusing.

All the pictures I could find of Charlotte Lewis on the internet (hey, did I mention she did Playboy? See thumbs 1-4):

Two more women have come forward claiming that “actor” Steven Seagal made unwanted sexual advances toward them while they were under his employment — and they’ve both provided the woman who is currently suing him with sworn declarations asserting as much. According to TMZ

In one woman’s declaration, Seagal is accused of luring her into his bedroom, putting his hands on the woman’s breasts and stating that he was “checking just as a doctor would for lumps.”

The declaration continues, “Seagal reached his hand down my pants. He said, ‘I just wanted to touch it for a second to see what it felt like.’”

The woman claims she screamed and cried until Seagal let her go.

Like Kayden Nguyen, both women claim they were hired by Seagal to serve as his assistant, but quit after Seagal made inappropriate sexual advances.

And now Steven Seagal’s ex-wife Kelly LeBrock intimates that she is ready to cash in on his recent scandal believes Kayden Nguyen’s accusations in her new tell-all book about their marriage. Fox News says

Kelly Lebrock said she was not surprised by claims the action star employed a female assistant as his “sex toy.” LeBrock, who divorced Seagal in 1996, promised to dish some explosive dirt on her former husband in an upcoming autobiography.

“I have many shocking things to say about Mr. Seagal, which will be known soon when my book comes out,” LeBrock [said]. “I will refrain from saying anything specific now because of our three children.”

What the hell difference does is make to her children whether she writes it down or says it? What, are her kids fucking illiterate? Is the fact that she’s bashing their father in a book rather than in a sit-down with Mary Hart supposed to somehow protect them? Sorry, sister, but it doesn’t work that way. For instance, the Secret Service will still forcibly restrain you and tase you till you shit your pants whether you threaten the president with a megaphone or in a cut-and-paste letter. I only wish someone had sat me down and told me this yesterday.

Kelly naked in “Weird Science” and “The Woman in Red”:

Nude pictures of the “model” who is suing Steven Seagal for sexual assault have found their way onto the interwebs, as has a clip of her on a January 2009 episode of “The Tyra Banks Show” entitled “The Gay Kingdom” (clip after the jump). See if you can guess if this is gonna help her credibility at all. CBS says

[While on the Tyra Banks show], Kayden Nguyen claimed to be a “lipstick lesbian” who could manipulate any [man] she wanted.

She brags about how she can use her “sex appeal” and “trick any guy” into getting what she wants.

So she has a history of getting naked for money and using her sexuality to manipulate and deceive. I see. I guess if you can’t actually crawl up on the bench and take a dump on the witness stand, this would be the next best thing for you sexual assault case.

UPDATE: TMZ is now retracting their story and saying the girl pictured above is NOT Kayden Nguyen. However, it doesn’t change the fact that the mystery girl in the pictures is still naked. Therefore no further action is necessary.

Thumbs 1 & 2 (NSFW) are Kayden; the rest are Tila Tequila bogarting the stage at The Crazy Horse to promote her crappy new song “I Fuck the DJ.” I figure one cheap Asian’s as good as another:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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Heidi Montag is claiming she was “touched inappropriately” by the creator and executive producer of the MTV’s “The Hills” last month. I doubt she could even feel if someone was touching her, but maybe silicone is more conducive to sensation than I thought. According to Star Magazine

“Spencer and Heidi are very close to bringing legal action against the show,” an insider [revealed]. Multiple sources close to the couple say an alleged sexual assault happened after Heidi’s recent plastic surgery.

While Heidi and Spencer are yet to comment on the story, their Hills costar Lo Bosworth reacted to the allegations via Twitter writing, “I’ll repeat it: no one is/has ever been assaulted during filming of our show. hey spiedi, do you know the definition of slander? NOT OKAY.”

It’s not sexual assault if someone gets bashed in the face by your big fake tits when you turn around unexpectedly. Nor is it sexual assault if your ass implants are blocking two-thirds of the aisle and they have to walk past you. It’s only sexual assault if an orifice is bleeding or if there’s enough uncompromised DNA at the scene to convict you. I had to sign a bunch of bullshit paperwork at the courthouse last month, so I happen to know that one for a fact.

Nineties action movie icon Steven Seagal is being sued for sexual harassment, illegal trafficking of females for sex, failure to prevent sexual harassment, and retaliation by a former employee. Um, what?! TMZ says:

A 23-year-old former model claims she interviewed with Seagal last February for the position of executive assistant. Kayden Nguyen says she got the job, but when she showed up for work, she learned, “Mr. Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian ‘Attendants’ on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

Nguyen alleges in her suit, one of the ‘Attendants’ had recently quit and it was this job — not executive assistant — Seagal intended her to fill.

Nguyen claims the very first night on the job, Seagal treated her “as his sex toy.” Nguyen says in the lawsuit Seagal, pushed his hands under her skirt, tried fondling her breasts and forced his hand down her pants.

Nguyen says she complained the next morning — unclear to whom — but nothing was done.

Nguyen says the next day Seagal did it again, sexually assaulting her and forcing her to consume illegal pills. And she says there were other sexual assaults that followed.

According to the suit, Seagal said, “My wife wouldn’t mind if you and I had a sexual relationship.”

Nguyen is suing for more than a million bucks.

And Radar Online adds

Nguyen claims that she was required “to watch as “Sasha” (Russian attendant) and Mr. Seagal performed sex acts on each other.

On her first night of work, Seagal… allegedly “forcibly held her legs apart” [and] “forced his hand down her pants.” The document goes into graphic detail that isn’t suitable for all audiences.

Then the suit alleges a third physical assault took place a few hours later, where “Seagal forcibly lifted Ms. Nguyen’s blouse, forced his head on her bare chest and attempted to suck her breasts and nipples. He stopped only when she ran.”

After only a few days of work, Nguyen left the house on Sunday, February 28, 2010.

Seagal responded to these allegations by releasing the following statement through his attorney:

“The lawsuit filed by Kayden Nguyen against Steven Seagal is a ridiculous and absurd claim by a disgruntled ex-employee who was fired. The claims in her lawsuit are a complete fabrication without a scintilla of truth. I am extremely confident this meritless lawsuit will be dismissed. Ms. Nguyen filed her lawsuit without even notifying Steven Seagal or his representatives of her alleged claims because she was aware that claims could be asserted against her based on her own conduct. Her lawsuit is nothing more than a preemptive strike by a disgruntled ex-employee.”

This sounds like a job for a tough play-by-his-own-rules New York City cop. Or maybe a former Green Beret turned Navy Cook. Or an ex-CIA agent with something to prove. Then the guy would bust up the sex ring and fall in love with one of the rescued girls (preferably the one with the most gumption) and bend some elbows backward in the process. Rated R for language, violence and brief nudity.

UPDATE: Now with Kayden Nguyen’s modeling pics and new kung fu grip!

A former patient and intern of Dr. Phil McGraw’s has come forward with claims that he repeatedly fondled and sexually abused her while she was being treated by him. According to the National Enquirer”

44-year old Sarah Morrison was a college sophomore when she sought treatment from Dr. Phil in 1984.

“I suffered from low self-esteem, and I was depressed, lonely and suicidal,” recalled Sara. “Phil was extremely insistent that I see [him] three or four times a week – as a patient.”

In a highly unethical move, he paid Sara to work as his intern, while charging her as a patient at the same time.

“The first day I showed up for work, Phil had his hands all over me,” she recalled. “Phil would pull me down to sit in his lap while he talked on the phone to patients, other doctors, even his wife! He’d be running his hand up and down the inside of my thigh all the way up to my panties.”

At the time, the then 34-year-old psychologist and his second wife Robin had been married for eight years.

I always knew that Dr. Phil was a wormy bastard. The mock turtleneck is a dead giveaway. Nobody but serial killers and English professors and frumpy middle-aged women wear those hideousities. Throw a mustache into the mix and you might as well be standing on a playground with your pants around your ankles doing the “wiener helicopter” in front a bunch of terrified little old ladies. It’s the only way it’d be more obvious that you were a gigantic pervert.

Russell Crowe as Robin Hood because he’s not wearing a mock turtleneck:

George Clooney is coming to the legal defense of Cindy Crawford’s husband’s Rande Gerber, who is currently embroiled in a sexual assault lawsuit filed by a pair of former waitresses who claim they were 86ed from his restaurant after refusing his sexual advances. According to Us Weekly

While working at [Gerber's] Moonstone Lounge in San Diego, one of the women claims the supermodel’s husband attempted to kiss her three times during the night, then “put his hand up [her] dress in between her legs in an attempt to fondle her crotch.”

“I was with Rande the entire night — as were a lot of people,” [Clooney] said in a statement Monday. “They will all say the same thing that I’m saying. This event never happened. Period.”

A Gerber Group spokesperson [said] “Mr. Gerber and Mr. Clooney will take lie detector tests to prove that the allegations against Mr. Gerber are false.”

That Gerber fellow better pray that his judge is a woman, because everybody knows that no female mortal can resist the mischievous grin and smoldering eyes of the Silver-Haired Rake. His mere presence makes bras spontaneously unhook themselves and panties disappear into thin air. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up on the floor of a Toledo airport bar bathroom without any underpants to speak of. It’s just a shame that I always somehow manage to miss actually seeing him when he’s there.

Wife Cindy looking gorgeous at the Costume Gala Institute last night: