The sexual assault and battery lawsuit that Masseur Number 2 filed against John Travolta last week won’t be going to trial, not because it’s baseless and without merit, but because both he and Travolta have agreed the case should be heard in mediation. And what does mediation entail, exactly? I’m glad you asked. Radar Online says:

“Both sides will agree to keep all transcripts sealed, as well as all witness statements, depositions, etc. The lawsuit will be heard by a private judge, who will decide how much money if any the accuser will receive. All of the proceedings will be strictly confidential.

This is done for a plethora of reasons, mainly, this will allow the masseur’s identity from being made public, and it would just be a media circus if it did go to trial. This will be the best way for the case to be heard with minimal disruption to John Travolta and the masseur’s life.”

And just as a recap, masseur number 2′s suit alleges:

While working at an unspecified resort in Atlanta, January 28, 2012, Doe Plantiff No. 2 did an in-room massage on Travolta, as the massage came to an end “Travolta suddenly turned on his stomach with his legs wide open with a full erection. He then tried to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2′s hand on Travolta’s scrotum.

Then, Travolta started to grab, rub and caress Doe Plaintiff no. 2′s upper thighs and buttocks….Travolta still had an erection and wanted his abdominals done, but Travolta’s erection was in the way and he refused to have his penis covered by a sheet of a pillow case cover…Travolta started masturbating about 15 minutes left in the session, and Doe Plaintiff No.2, said he had to go.”

It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets man, man gets massage, man tries to make boy touch his scrotum and then jerks off when boy refuses. I think we’ve all been to sleep-away camp before.

To un-gay this post, some candids Sports Illustrated covergirl Kate Upton took during her SI shoot:

John Travolta is denouncing the lawsuit massuer number 1 filed against him on Monday by providing the above photograph and time-stamped receipt (below) to TMZ that “prove” that he was in New York on the day in question. And who doesn’t just happen to have photos and receipts from four months ago lying around the their house? That’s not suspect at all! TMZ says:

Travolta sources say they have proof positive of the location and date of the photo — New York, January 16.

And there’s more … a receipt from a meal Travolta ate at Mr. Chow in New York also on January 16th.

Besides the fact that the photo is an OBVIOUS photoshop — seriously, I could have done a better job with fucking scissors and a glue stick — you’ll note that his name isn’t anywhere on the receipt, nor is it signed. And even if it were signed, the time stamp on the receipt says 11:38 p.m. EST, which by no means accounts for the rest of his whereabouts that day. He’s a pilot and flies his own planes, so he could’ve flown him from L.A. to New York as late as 2 p.m. Pacific Time and still had time to make it back to New York for a late dinner and a time-stamped receipt. The only thing this shit proves is that John Travolta is terrible at photoshop and math.

Monday John Travolta had a lawsuit filed against him by a male masseur who claimed the actor sexually assaulted him during a session, and wouldn’t you know it, Tuesday started off the very same way for John, except with a different male masseur and a whole new set of disgusting details. I smell a scandal of Tiger Woods proportions here, folks! Radar Online says:

According to the lawsuit… the second victim alleges that while working at an unspecified resort in Atlanta, Georgia on January 28, 2012, he did an in-room massage on Travolta.

The documents state that the Plaintiff doesn’t normally do in-room massages and asked a co-worker to take the assignment, but he declined because “Travolta has been banned from a spa that the coworker used to work at in Los Angeles.”

On the morning of the massage, the lawsuit alleges, Travolta had “a strange demeanor, bloodshot eyes and climbed onto the already setup massage table…Travolta removed the entire sheet from his body, and he claimed the sheets were sticky and could not tolerate the heat…Travolta further indicated that he likes a lot of ‘Glutes’ work meaning a massage on his buttocks…While he was massaging near Travolta’s buttocks area, Travolta would open his legs and spread his butt cheeks open and had a full erection and would maneuver in a way to try to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2 to touch his anus and around his anus.”

Jesus Christ. Approaching a guy anus-first is certainly a bold maneuver, but I can’t imagine a whole lot worse than getting an eyeful of John Travolta with his ass cheeks spread. I bet it looks like the Sarlacc in the Great Pit of Carkoon, except with wads of moist black hair where the teeth and tentacles should be.

VS model Candice Swanepoel in a thong bikini to assuage the horrible mental picture I just seared into your brain:

A “Charlie’s Angels” crew member was fired last month after “inappropriately touching” actress Minka Kelly’s ass on set of the show. Girls can be so uppity that way. The Daily Mail says:

The member of the crew is believed to have approached the 31-year-old and slapped her across her bottom while clutching a $100 bill in his hand on August 23.

An set insider [said], ‘It seems like it was meant to be a joke, but clearly it was inappropriate. Minka was shocked and absolutely irate. She was still fuming about it hours later.’

When the crew member tried to apologize to Minka the next day, she slapped him across the face.

He was then removed from the production by TV executives the following day.

That sounds like a hundred dollar dare that didn’t go so well. He should be thankful that all he got was bitch-slap and a pink slip, not Derek Jeter with a knife or a bunch of cops and an assault charge on his record. I’ve said it so many times, but you gotta be careful about who you grope on a dare, people. Otherwise I wouldn’t have devoted a whole chapter to it in my new book, “Sexual Battery for the Soul.”

At the Emmy’s with her Charlie’s Angels co-stars Sunday night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

It wouldn’t be Hollywood if there wasn’t some new scandal about some pervy dude wanting to get his greasy paws all over someone. In this week’s edition, Casey Affleck plays the pervy dude.  The Herald Sun reports,

Casey Affleck is being sued by producer Amanda White, who claims he sexually harassed her during the filming of his upcoming Joaquin Pheonix documentary I’m Still Here.

Amanda White alleges that Oscar-nominated Affleck made “uninvited and unwelcome sexual advances” and she was denied her $50,000 producer fee after she refused to spend the night in a hotel room with him.

“On one occasion, Affleck instructed a crew member to take off his pants in order to show (White) his penis, even after (White) objected,” the suit alleges. “Affleck repeatedly referred to women as ‘cows;’ he discussed his sexual exploits and those of other celebrities that he allegedly witnessed; and asked (White), after learning her age, ‘Isn’t it about time you get pregnant?’”

In another alleged incident, Affleck arranged for a shoot in his suite at the Palazzo Hotel in Las Vegas, where White and a female cinematographer, Magdalena Gorka, discovered that Affleck had “procured the services of several prostitutes, including male transvestites.”

She claims in the suit that the prostitutes were “for his personal gratification and … (had_ nothing to do with the purpose of the project.”

The 19-page lawsuit, filed in an Los Angeles court, demands at least $2 million.

Affleck, 34, who is married to Joaquin’s sister, actress Summer Pheonix, with whom he has two sons: Indiana, 6, and Atticus, 2, has fired off an angry response.

In response, Michael Plonsker, a litigator for Affleck and his production company Flemmy Prods., told Hollywood Reporter:

“The allegations brought upon our clients are preposterous and without merit. Ms. White was terminated from the production over a year ago. She and her lawyers believe that this maliciously and erroneously filed complaint will cause the producers to succumb to her outrageous and baseless demands. She is mistaken.

“The complaint will be vigorously defended and cross-claims will be filed against her.”

Male transvestites? Well it’s all clear to me now. Casey just wanted Amanda hug n’ kiss. Bah-doom-BAH!

One of Britney Spears’ bodyguards is reportedly considering filing a lawsuit against her after she sexually harassed him on the job. The Sun says

Ex-cop Fernando Flores, 29, stormed out after allegedly facing a series of bizarre come-ons. He told pals Britney often paraded naked in front of him and beckoned him into her bedroom.

A pal revealed: “She runs round the house naked and yelling at staff. Unfortunately for Fernando, she took a liking to him. She was always giving him the come on and he felt if he didn’t reciprocate he could lose his job. He finally handed in his notice last week.”

The divorced dad-of-two is considering a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Britney, claiming her sexual harassment forced him out.

Given what I know about Britney Spears, I think this might all be a giant misunderstanding. The name “Fernando” sounds an awful lot like “Fettuccine Alfredo.” Maybe her sexual harassment was less harassment and more of a fat girl on a creamy cheesy pasta bender.

Two more women have come forward claiming that “actor” Steven Seagal made unwanted sexual advances toward them while they were under his employment — and they’ve both provided the woman who is currently suing him with sworn declarations asserting as much. According to TMZ

In one woman’s declaration, Seagal is accused of luring her into his bedroom, putting his hands on the woman’s breasts and stating that he was “checking just as a doctor would for lumps.”

The declaration continues, “Seagal reached his hand down my pants. He said, ‘I just wanted to touch it for a second to see what it felt like.’”

The woman claims she screamed and cried until Seagal let her go.

Like Kayden Nguyen, both women claim they were hired by Seagal to serve as his assistant, but quit after Seagal made inappropriate sexual advances.

And now Steven Seagal’s ex-wife Kelly LeBrock intimates that she is ready to cash in on his recent scandal believes Kayden Nguyen’s accusations in her new tell-all book about their marriage. Fox News says

Kelly Lebrock said she was not surprised by claims the action star employed a female assistant as his “sex toy.” LeBrock, who divorced Seagal in 1996, promised to dish some explosive dirt on her former husband in an upcoming autobiography.

“I have many shocking things to say about Mr. Seagal, which will be known soon when my book comes out,” LeBrock [said]. “I will refrain from saying anything specific now because of our three children.”

What the hell difference does is make to her children whether she writes it down or says it? What, are her kids fucking illiterate? Is the fact that she’s bashing their father in a book rather than in a sit-down with Mary Hart supposed to somehow protect them? Sorry, sister, but it doesn’t work that way. For instance, the Secret Service will still forcibly restrain you and tase you till you shit your pants whether you threaten the president with a megaphone or in a cut-and-paste letter. I only wish someone had sat me down and told me this yesterday.

Kelly naked in “Weird Science” and “The Woman in Red”:

A former patient and intern of Dr. Phil McGraw’s has come forward with claims that he repeatedly fondled and sexually abused her while she was being treated by him. According to the National Enquirer”

44-year old Sarah Morrison was a college sophomore when she sought treatment from Dr. Phil in 1984.

“I suffered from low self-esteem, and I was depressed, lonely and suicidal,” recalled Sara. “Phil was extremely insistent that I see [him] three or four times a week – as a patient.”

In a highly unethical move, he paid Sara to work as his intern, while charging her as a patient at the same time.

“The first day I showed up for work, Phil had his hands all over me,” she recalled. “Phil would pull me down to sit in his lap while he talked on the phone to patients, other doctors, even his wife! He’d be running his hand up and down the inside of my thigh all the way up to my panties.”

At the time, the then 34-year-old psychologist and his second wife Robin had been married for eight years.

I always knew that Dr. Phil was a wormy bastard. The mock turtleneck is a dead giveaway. Nobody but serial killers and English professors and frumpy middle-aged women wear those hideousities. Throw a mustache into the mix and you might as well be standing on a playground with your pants around your ankles doing the “wiener helicopter” in front a bunch of terrified little old ladies. It’s the only way it’d be more obvious that you were a gigantic pervert.

Russell Crowe as Robin Hood because he’s not wearing a mock turtleneck: