Julia Louis-Dreyfus manages to bypass the Seinfeld-coined “sponge-worthy” and head straight into what I like to call “plunge-worthy” territory in the April issue of Shape magazine. Ha ha, get it? Plunge-worthy? See, it’s a penis joke. Because you would want to put your penis inside her because she’s so attractive. Feel free to write that one down to use at parties. No charge for awesomeness!

At the 18th Annual Environmental Media Awards:

I don’t know how Jaime Pressly looks like this a year and a half after giving birth. Plastic surgery? Magic lamp? A deal with devil himself? All I know is that a year and a half after giving birth, my midsection looked like the rind of a deflated cantaloupe and it refused to buck Newton’s First Law of Motion. There was a good thirty second delay between the time I stopped moving and the reams of loose stomach skin finally got the message. I think I speak for women everywhere when I say Jaime Pressly and her perfect fucking abs can go to hell. Nobody likes a show-off.

In next month’s Shape Magazine:

Country singer Faith Hill poses in a bikini for the first time ever on the cover of next month’s issue of Shape magazine. What gave her the bravery to take the “bikini plunge” at the ripe ol’ age of 41? Besides the 18 cumulative man-hours of Photo Shop, I mean? Why, Pilates, of course! People magazine quotes her as saying

“[Pilates] was so hard, but ultimately so worth it. My core is much stronger, and my arms are more toned. In fact, wearing a bikini on a magazine cover is my 41st birthday present to myself.

I [can] bend in ways I haven’t been able to since I was a teenager. My husband [Tim McGraw] loves it!”

Pretty lame birthday present to yourself, if you ask me. I would have bought myself some diamonds or a new Bentley or one of those Swedish massages from Juandíssimo the randy pool boy at the parlor on 7th. Something that says, “I might be old and obsolete, but I can still buy happiness!” See Hugh Hefner for details.

Without the 18 hours of Photo Shop three months ago — yikes: