Sorry about the erratic posting today and yesterday. I didn’t want to tell you this, because I know how you worry, but… I was the victim of a hate crime. Yes. Two nights ago after I did a pub crawl with a couple of friends, someone broke into my house, overturned several pieces of furniture, put frozen lasagna still in the box in the oven on broil, which ultimately set fire to the kitchen. They also pissed in my bed and barfed in my hair. If that’s not a hate crime, I don’t know what is. Somehow I slept through the whole thing, so I assume they were ninjas or maybe Navy SEALs.

Anyway, I’m gonna post tomorrow, too, to make up for the lack of consistent snark, so check back. I also have more pics of former Playboy model Shauna Sand out on the beach, totally blowing some guy and then fucking him right there in front of the paparazzi on the beach. I don’t think her daughters will be as ashamed of their mother’s whoring as much as they’re ashamed that she would fuck a guy wearing acid-washed daisy dukes. I doubt they’ll ever fully recover.

UPDATE: Now with twice the denim hot pants fun!

In case the giant stars didn’t tip you off, these pics are so, SO NSFW:

Asking you to choose between Kelly Brook and Shauna Sand is like asking if you’d rather be caressed by the hand of God or punched in the throat with a beehive. It’s what we writers refer to as a “rhetorical” question, from the Greek “rhtorikos,” or “why the hell are you still reading this when you could be looking at Kelly Brooks’ boobs instead.” Dumbass.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

I’m back, bitches! Hope your enjoyed your week with Sonya at the helm. And I also hope you didn’t get to used to actual quality writing, because it’s back to guzzling at the teat of the lowest common denominator now that I’m here! TMZ says

The sex tape starring Shauna Sand is being delayed a week — and it all has to do with whether or not Shauna signed on the dotted line.

Vivid Entertainment says it plans to counter Shauna’s cease and desist letter by bringing in a handwriting expert to prove the release they have is authentic.

And of course, if turns out to be her signature, it will be the only part of Shauna Sand that actually is real. I’m pretty sure the rest of her won’t biodegrade for another 10,000 years.

If you wished upon a star and your blow-up sex doll became a real boy (last two thumbs NSFW):

Just a typical day out with Mommy! Shauna Sand took her daughters to the pumpkin patch yesterday looking like the tranny hooker she is.  Doesn’t she ever attempt to wear anything appropriate? Who the hell wears 10 pounds of makeup, a crocheted scrap of cloth for a top and platforms to the pumpkin patch? Ugh.

I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure using an Exacto knife and a cigarette lighter isn’t the best means of repositioning the nipples after breast augmentation. Unless MacGyver was Shauna Sand’s plastic surgeon, those tits are completely inexcusable.

Topless pics (obviously NSFW):

You can click the header image to find out whose celebrity ass that is, but first let me warn you: not since that time I clicked on the link for “100% Original Mega Puss” have I been so sorely disappointed by the picture that comes up.

Told you:

PHOTO CREDIT: Mavrix Online

Halloween exists for two purposes:

1. Eat a shit ton of candy
2. Dress like a slut, go to a party, act like a whore and get wasted

Celebrities are firm believers in upholding these timeless traditions (or at least #2), and this year is no different.  Here’s a Halloween 2008 Slutty Costume Roundup.

Kim Kardashian‘s ass dressed as Wonder Woman at some masquerade yesterday:

Heidi Montag and that toolshed she hangs around with dressed as attention-craving retards:

Kendra Wilkinson as — wait, is this a costume?  I can’t tell:

Mariah Carey and her wife, Nick Cannon, dressed as cookies & milk (because they’re idiots) at their costume party at Marquee in NYC yesterday:

Mariah Carey and her wife, again — this time dressed as “sexy firefighters”:

Traci Bingham as Officer Boobage yesterday:

Shauna Sand dressed as… an orange whore (I guess) on Oct. 25th:

Former Playmate Shauna Sand left a Hollywood nightclub on Monday in a completely see-through black dress. You know, there are several clues that your dress is not appropriate for everyday wear, the most obvious being “The only thing more transparent than your dress is glass, possibly air.” I made a list of helpful hints for those of you who are still uncertain about the suitability of your chosen attire.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DRESS IS TOO SLUTTY

10. The only shoes that work with the dress are lucite heels or thigh-high PVC boots

9. The words “YOUR DICK HERE” are written across the chest, crotch and ass

8. The breast pockets are actually condoms-carriers

7. The label says it’s 100% semen-resistant

6. The total square footage of the dress is less than that of a standard-size washcloth

5. Anyone onstage at Juggernauts is wearing the same ensemble

4. The belt doubles as a string of anal beads

3. It’s made of lycra with pleather accents or faux snakeskin with feather accents

2. Any part of the dress is “pull-away”

and the number one sign your dress is too slutty:

1. The tag inside says “Property of Shauna Sand”

I assumed these were old promo stills from Jenna Jameson’s “Zombie Strippers.” Turns out it’s actually former Playmate Shauna Sand in Miami, and she looks that way on purpose. I’d still clobber it in the head with a machete if it came too close. If there’s one thing I learned from a childhood spent playing “Castlevania,” it’s that zombies give no quarter! And also that the holy water is the best sub-weapon to defeat the Grim Reaper. I’m sure that’s gonna come in handy sometime.