Jessica Simpson recreates Virna Lisi’s iconic March 1965 cover in this April’s issue of Esquire magazine. Inside, you’ll find a dazzling array of pictures of her showcasing her true talents. Her wet, nipply, heaving talents. I suppose “gratuitous near-nudity in men’s magazines” is the next logical step in her career, given the less-than-successful fare of her last two albums. And her last two movies. Oh, and that variety show. Not to mention the shoe line and swim wear line and those god-awful cheap hair extensions. She should streamline her talents into something like “Jessica Simpson Jack-Off Hour,” a solid sixty minutes of Jess doing jumping jacks on a trampoline, or maybe “Messy Jessy,” in which she soaps up after a spirited romp in a mud puddle with other naked girls. Seems like a no-brainer. And if “no-brainer” isn’t a prerequisite for all things Jessica Simpson, I don’t know what is.

Respect her craft: