In most of these pics of Justin Bieber and his dowager’s hump, he’s either trudging along like he spent his life hiding from the townsfolk in the bell tower of a 19th-century French cathedral or he’s prancing along with the ungainly frolicking gait of a giraffe with a torn ACL and a Peter Pan complex. If it weren’t for that totally hilarious tuft of fuzz he’s trying to pass off as pubes, I wouldn’t even have posted them at all.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

You can wrinkle up your nose with disgust and tell me you think Gerard Butler is a douchebag, but we both know we’d let him hit it. Come on now. Don’t lie. There’s just something about him… you can tell he’s a one-man carnival ride for sluts. I’d just make sure there was a syringe full of penicillin within arm’s reach before I took off my pants.

On the set of “Of Men and Mavericks” yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I hope you brought a change of underpants to work today, ladies, because it’s a shirtless Hugh Jackman-palooza! It’s all the raw, rippling, unmitigated maleness you can stand. And not only is Hugh shirtless and dripping wet in these pictures — he’s also happily tending to his offspring the in the photos. It’s everything your most primal evolutionary instincts have been seeking since the dawn of time. The trick is making sure you don’t slide right off your chair before you get to your other pair of panties.

With his wife and kids in St. Tropez this weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Formerly blond Twilight star Kellan Lutz is the chiseled abs of Dylan George’s new ready-to-wear men’s collection, and they’ve got him doing what he does best: standing around in various states of undress. Ladies, I believe our Wednesday night just got booked solid.

Newlyweds Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey are currently on their honeymoon in St. Bart’s, where they spent the day canoodling, frolicking, and skipping rocks together on the beach. Just like the couples in the herpes commercials do, once they’ve taken control of their life with a twice daily topical medication that eases the symptoms associated with genital sores. Not that I’m saying they have herpes or anything. But if they don’t, they should.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

If you still were under the misguided impression that GQ was a heterosexual man’s magazine, then have a look at these pics of “True Blood” werewolf Joe Manganiello shirtless in next month’s issue and then get back to me. GQ says of the above photo:

Leave the raw denim at home. We can’t guarantee that [these] featherweight jeans will net you a threesome, but you’ll sweat less.

Allow me to save you the $195 and your dignity — those “featherweight jeans” will not be netting you a threesome. Ever. Not unless you’re talking about you and two other dudes or you and both your fists, in which case they should do nicely.

I’m a little late to the party on this one, but far be it from me to leave my ladies wanting — Republican congressman from Illinois Aaron Schock strips down to his skivvies for the June issue of Men’s Health magazine. Finally, a political issue you can actually care about! People Magazine says:

Aaron Schock [is] showing off his toned abs all in the name of being a fitness role model for Americans.

Schock, 29, a freshman congressman from Peoria, Ill., is teaming up with the magazine for the Fit For Life Summer Challenge, and says you have to practice what you preach when it comes to proper diet and exercise.

Schock… is single and a conservative Baptist.

I appreciate the shirtlessness and all, but the whole “single conservative Baptist” schtick isn’t fooling anyone. That dude is as gay as glitter lube in a unicorn’s ass. Those feet have done a little airport bathroom side-shuffle, I guaran-damn-tee it. I bet his idea of a filibuster involves less parliamentary procedure and more underage Philippino boys going bareback.

If they ever need someone to play Screech’s evil twin brother on a reunion episode of Saved by the Bell, I think I just found their man.

Gold medalist Michael Phelps at the Encore Beach Club in Vegas over the weekend

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The Daily Mail says these pics of a shirtless Justin Bieber were sent by the Bieb himself to girlfriend Selena Gomez, but I don’t know if I believe it. They look more like the photos they pull off the hard drives of those guys on “To Catch a Predator.”

Less uncomfortable pics of Justin arriving at Letterman:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Matthew McConaughey seems incapable of wearing a shirt, and I finally think I know why. It’s not because he’s a shameless attention-whore. It’s that a shirt would just slide right off a chest so smooth and hairless. I like a buttery nipple, but I prefer it a shot glass, not on a man.

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo might have the physique of a Greek god and the hairlessness of a Taiwanese eunuch, but he just doesn’t do it for me. If I wanted to OD on chlamydia and hair gel, I’d just visit the Jersey Shore. No sense in buying an overpriced watch just so it can burn when I pee.

Usually when you see washboard abs, a hairless chest, buttery blond highlights and manicured stubble, you also see closeups of anal penetration, because you’re watching gay porn. Yet I don’t see a single pair of testicles slapping against Kellan Lutz’ ass anywhere in these pics. Maybe this is one of those “distance ejaculation” niche fetishes that you hear about on the internet. The other guy is probably just out of sight with a fluffer, aiming directly for Kellan’s pec implants.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures