Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo might have the physique of a Greek god and the hairlessness of a Taiwanese eunuch, but he just doesn’t do it for me. If I wanted to OD on chlamydia and hair gel, I’d just visit the Jersey Shore. No sense in buying an overpriced watch just so it can burn when I pee.
Usually when you see washboard abs, a hairless chest, buttery blond highlights and manicured stubble, you also see closeups of anal penetration, because you’re watching gay porn. Yet I don’t see a single pair of testicles slapping against Kellan Lutz’ ass anywhere in these pics. Maybe this is one of those “distance ejaculation” niche fetishes that you hear about on the internet. The other guy is probably just out of sight with a fluffer, aiming directly for Kellan’s pec implants.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Only one question really comes to mind after seeing these pictures of Colin Farrell. And that question is, “Won’t you please, won’t you please, please won’t you be… my neighbor?” I have a feeling Mr. McFeely up there could show you a thing or two about just how neighborly a little “beautywood” can be.
King Friday sends his kind regards:
PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online
Kiefer Sutherland was forcibly removed from Stringfellow’s strip club in London early this morning for being drunk and disorderly, and at some point, shirtless. According to Page Six
Sutherland started the evening at the bar of the Covent Garden Hotel, where he sampled several different wines. “Kiefer carried on drinking in the bar till 2 a.m.,” a witness said. “He was then driven to Stringfellow’s Gentlemen’s Club.”
Photos taken about two hours later show a shirtless Sutherland being thrown out the back door of the mammary mecca by four tuxedo-clad bouncers, one of whom had him in a headlock. He was shoved into the back seat of a car and brought back to his hotel, where staff helped him to his room.
Now that’s how you get drunk, folks. Some people wind up with lampshades on their head or dancing on the bar (these are generally the same people who drink light beer and complain about people smoking), but Jack Bauer pulls his pants down (see above), rips his shirt off and beats his liver like it owes him fucking money. If you’re going to do something, you might as well do it all the way. Half-assing is for Christian teenagers playing “Just the Tip” and the goddamn dirty French. That’s what my dad always told me, anyway.
UPDATE: Moving this to the top because the header pic is so awesome.
Anything to try to purge the image of Jack Bauer’s skidmarks from my mind:
PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online
I thought I’d switch things up today and put up pictures of a dude shirtless instead of our regular installment of T & A. Clearly, it was a horrible mistake.
Mentalist star Simon Baker topless (and actually surfing after the jump):
Hugh Jackman is in Brazil with his family this week, and he interrupted his vacation for a bit yesterday to swing by Grumari Beach and film a Lipton Ice Tea commercial. I could’ve uploaded pics of the commercial shoot, but I’m guessing that maybe only 30% of you freakos are ice tea fetishists. So because I am a good and kind person, I uploaded these pics from after the shoot instead, when Jackman stripped off and hit the water with his kids Oscar and Ava:
Here’s a little something for mah laydeez. Jason Statham on the beach at St. Barths:
So, remember how everyone was shocked and appalled to find out that straightlaced Tiger Woods was actually a deranged sex maniac? It turns out that it really wasn’t so surprising, and he’s just been hiding his freak light under a bushel for over a decade. From the NY Daily News:
Showing off his guns and abs and glaring at the camera, Woods looks nothing like the good guy of the greens in the Annie Liebowitz shot gracing the February cover of the latest issue of Vanity Fair.
The menacing shot – never before seen – was taken in January 2006, long before the world learned the married father of two cheated on his wife with as many as a dozen women.
In the accompanying article, Buzz Bissinger interviews some of the reporters who covered Woods for years to find out how the golf great kept his catting around under wraps for so long.
Bissinger also revisits the embarrassing interview that a then-21-year-old Woods gave to Charles Pierce of GQ magazine in 1997. Woods joked about lesbian sex and the endowments of black athletes – the kind of gaffe he never repeated once he signed with super agent Mark Steinberg.
Really? How embarrassing could it have been? Oh wait, hang on to your hats. From Us:
At one point, Woods said during the tape recorded interview: “What I can’t figure out is why so many good-looking women hang around baseball and basketball. Is it because, you know, people always say that, like, black guys have big dicks?”
Bissinger notes that during a photo shoot — “where four women attended to his every need and flirted with him as he flirted back” — Woods told a joke. He rubbed the tips of his shoes together and then asked the women, “What’s this?” Woods then replied. “It’s a black guy taking off his condom.”
Woods also cracked that lesbians are “faster” at sex than gay men because women “are always going 69,” Bissinger notes.
Bissinger writes that the interview “was the only honest and open one Woods has ever given. After that the steel wall of insulation came down, spearheaded by I.M.G.,” his agency.
Okay, that’s pretty goddamn embarrassing, but meh, whatever about all of that. It ain’t news that Tiger Woods is a philandering asshole. What I wanna talk about is why Annie Liebowitz apparently photographed him during a prison yard workout. Also, EW, GROSS. Put your shirt back on, Tiger. There’s something strange and off-putting going on with your moobs, you’ve kinda got a gut, and your nipple hair tufts are freaking me out. You look like my grandpa, and he’s about 190 years old and I’d rather scoop out my eyes with a melon baller than see him with his shirt off.
Anyway, the NY Daily News article goes on to say that Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren, is currently off frolicking in the French Alps, avoiding his ass and writing up Excel spreadsheets detailing the many, many ways in which she will be spending his money in the years to come.
Remember the kid from Billy Elliot? Well, I bet you don’t remember him looking like THIS. Dancing does a body good, you guys. This is Jamie Bell, and he’s all kinds of grown up in these production stills from The Eagle of the Ninth. The movie also stars Channing Tatum, but until Mr. Tatum takes his shirt off, I’m way more interested in young Mr. Bell over here.
Levi Johnston, best known as “the guy who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter,” will be posing nude in a photo shoot for gay men’s magazine Playgirl. The Daily Mail says
Levi Johnston, the ex-lover of Mrs Palin’s 18-year-old daughter Bristol, is training three hours a day, six nights a week at a gym in Alaska in preparation for the shoot.
Mr Johnston has been working out with Marvin Jones, a former Mr Alaska competitor who has put the teenager on a low-carb, high-protein diet.
No date has been set for the Playgirl photo shoot, but it is expected to be previewed by the end of the year.
Mrs Palin’s representatives did not respond to a request for comment on the Playgirl job.
So Levi Johnston will be showing the world his johnson. Ha ha, get it? Johnston, johnson? It’s a wiener joke. I wouldn’t want a joke that subtle to slip right over your head.
Not showing his wiener in GQ:
I was all ready to make some hackneyed joke about how “me likey the lychan,” because I was pretty sure Kellan Lutz was one of the werewolves in the new Twilight movie, and the technical name for werewolves is lycanthropes. Comedy gold, right? Yeah, I thought so. But then I thought, “Hang on, I better check to make sure that’s right,” because God forbid I say that dude’s a werewolf when he’s actually one of the Dolturi or whatever the hell they’re called. So then I find myself scouring the internet for Twilight plot analyses and character bios when suddenly it occurs to me — “I’m fucking scouring the internet for Twilight plot analyses and character bios.” Frankly, they just don’t pay me enough for that shit. You can do the research your own damn self.
I’m assuming more than a few of you have subjected yourselves to those heinous Twilight books, and thus are aware of the fact that New Moon is, by far, the worst book in the whole series (which is seriously goddamn saying something, since every page you read of those books will make you exponentially dumber). For those who had the sense to stay far, far away from the books but still wish to suffer, it’s your lucky day! Here’s the new, extended trailer for New Moon:
Vampires and werewolves and retards, oh my:
