Former model Samantha Burke unveiled the five-week old results of her one-night stand with actor Jude Law in an exclusive interview with this week’s Hello! magazine. The Daily Mail says

Miss Burke, who reportedly earned $300,000 for the Hello! photoshoot, said: ‘I think [Jude will] fall in love with her when he sees her. She has his chin and nose, and she does a little pout that I notice that he’s done before.”

But Miss Burke [admitted that] he has not yet traveled to meet Sophia.

Asked if she had received any presents from Jude, who demanded a DNA test a few months ago, the former model [said], ‘No, nothing.’

Unless you count the genital herpes she got from him ten months ago, but I wouldn’t really call that a present per se. It’s not like you can return it at a department store. But fortunately, you can always re-gift it!

Jude playing soccer with his legitimate children:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

I’m not a gay man or a bitter divorcee desperately clinging to what’s left of my rapidly-waning sexuality, so I don’t really give a shit about the Sex and the City sequel. But there are a lot of you out there that are super-excited about the movie, which includes this “surprise” cameo by Miley Cyrus. Pacific Coast News said

“Kim Cattrall and Miley Cyrus shoot a scene for “Sex and the City 2″ where they turn up for a movie premiere in the same outfit! The premiere was for a movie called “Heart of the Desert”, which appeared to star Samantha’s (Kim Cattrall) boyfriend Smith (Jason Lewis). The dresses were by Matthew Williamson.”

When asked for comment on her makeup, Miley reportedly said, “It’s simple. We, uh, kill the Batman.” Why so serious, Miley?

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

I get about five or six emails a day calling me a racist, or a misogynist, or a racist misogynist, so today I’m going to make a point to show you that I can be just as demeaning to men as I am to women, regardless of their race. I present “Twilight’s” Taylor Lautner, in all his wet-shirted glory. I guess a man frolicking in the waves and staving off a head injury is sexy to some people. And by “some people” I of course mean “queers.” I don’t want to come off as too self-righteous here or anything.

Even more after the jump:

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Actress and former face of Lancome cosmetics Uma Thurman attempts “bordello sexy” in a spread for next months’ W magazine. The Daily Mail says

The 39-year-old smoulders on a couch clad in a feathered stole, and black stockings and suspenders in a photoshoot for W magazine.

The 39-year-old looks like a tragic actress on the way down the greasy pole of celebrity.

“Greasy pole of celebrity?” Funny, I always just called him “Mickey Rourke.” To each his own, I guess.

Bonus pics of Kim Kardashian in — what else? — a bikini:

Drew Barrymore and fellow co-stars Juliette Lewis, Ellen Page and Zoe Bell recreate some of the scenes from her new movie “Whip It” in a photo shoot for next month’s Vs magazine. The film is based on the true story of the Texas Roller Derby League, which is weird because I was 99% sure that football was the only authorized sport in Texas. God knows A&M can’t get any other kind of ball through a hoop. Zing!

The first thing I thought of when I saw this picture of 24-year old Lily Allen sucking her thumb in next month’s issue of Elle magazine was the time my Uncle Lloyd got wasted at my sister’s wedding and finished his toast with, “Wanna know what the best thing about having sex with twenty-four year olds is? That there’s twenty of ‘em! Ha hahaha ha!” That was also the same year my Aunt Tina got arrested for stabbing him in the neck with a lawn dart at a pee-wee football game. True fucking story. Really, you can’t make this shit up.

Dad always used to say, “It’s amazing what a little makeup and a shave can do for a gal.” Of course, he was talking about the tranny prostitute he was arrested for soliciting, but I think it still applies here.

Britain’s Got Talent’s Susan Boyle all clean-shaven for next month’s Harper’s Bazaar:

I don’t know who Olivia Munn is or what she does per se, but the words near her tits reference the term “G4,” and my vast knowledge of the current political landscape would suggest she’s either a spy for the G4 leadership core of the World Trade Organization’s G20 trade bloc, or else she’s a Serbian G4 Super Galeb pilot-in-training. Either way, it’s pretty clear she poses a real threat to American security. Why else do you think they’d make her strip down and take pictures of her like that? And to think, you commies actually made them shut down Abu Ghraib! I bet you’re thanking George Bush now, aren’t you?

“Slumdog Millionaire” star Freida Pinto sexes up the pages of next month’s Maxim magazine, but you wouldn’t know it was her to look at the pictures. I don’t know why Maxim insists on photoshopping the hell out of everything they touch. Just compare the picture above with this picture from next month’s Glamour. I wouldn’t even think the two women were related, much less the same person. Unless it was for her role as Teri Hatcher’s evil Latina twin, I’d say Maxim really fucked this one up big time.

Maxim and Glamour pics, plus a bunch of older ones from various T&A magazines:

I don’t know how one goes about securing the position of “Megan Fox Boob Adjuster,” but one thing’s for sure: career day at your kid’s school just got a hell of a lot more interesting.

On a photo shoot in L.A.:

Everyone’s all excited about Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez’ photo shoot for next month’s GQ, but not because he looks like a gay porn star from 1974. It’s because his hot-ass girlfriend, Estee Lauder and Sports Illustrated model Hilary Rhoda, is wearing a bikini. You’re welcome.