Sienna Miller won an apology from from the New York Times after they posted a list of the many dudes she’s fucked in Hollywood over the years. The Daily Mail says

Sienna has a reputation for enjoying high-profile relationships and has previously dated Jude Law, Rhys Ifans and Balthazar Getty.

But the paper added to her well-documented relationship history, [linking] ‘Serial Miller’ to Sean Combs and the late Heath Ledger.

It later apologized: ‘An article… about Sienna Miller misstates the nature of the relationships that she had with Heath Ledger and Sean Combs. She was friends with both of them; she did not have romantic flings with either of them.’

Well, since the New York Times is extending the olive branch, I think I’d like to take this opportunity to tell Sienna Miller I’m sorry. Sorry she’s such a slut, that is! Ha ha! I bet it feels like you’re feeding a goddamn horse when you put your hands down that girl’s pants.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Here are some more pictures of Sienna Miller getting her bikini on with some tool named “Slinky Wizard” in Ibiza last Friday. Why three-day old pictures of some second-rate actress in an un-see-through bikini? Because it’s not Kelly fucking Osbourne or naked Macy Gray, that’s fucking why. Jesus Christ. You can be so damn ungrateful sometimes. I’m not a machine, you know! At least not I figure out how to install the micro-miniature version of the Blue Gene/L that I ordered off the internet into the base of my spinal cord. All the stupid instructions were written in Chinese.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Sienna Miller gets in touch with nature in next month’s issue of British GQ, posing provocatively in a field and caressing an American Saddlebred. It begs the inevitable question — “given the chance, would Sienna Miller do it with a horse?” Yes. Yes, she would. But only if it was married. Sienna Miller has her standards, you know!

The Sienna Miller Baroness action figure from the upcoming “G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” was just released to toy stores nationwide this week — and of course, it’s not good enough for her. The NY Daily News says

Despite the honor [of being immortalized in plastic], the Brit has spoken out about her dismay over her Doppelganger. “My doll is cross-eyed and has the biggest chin you have ever seen,” she complained of the brunette Baroness doll. “She looks sort of possessed.”

I was all prepared to call her a spoiled ungrateful cunt until I got a look at the doll myself. Boy, she wasn’t kidding. That things is hideous. It looks like the Pileforth Academy headmistress from “Three Men and a Little Lady” in a leather catsuit. How’s that for an obscure referencej, bitches?

Promoting the movie with Karolina Kurkova (Cover Girl) and Rachel Nichols (Scarlett):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Sienna Miller has a spread in next month’s Russian Harper’s Bazaar that’s supposed to be all “sexy” and “cutting edge,” but it comes across more “disheveled” and “confused,” like a hobo trapped in a bathroom at a petting zoo. Or, you know, like you just woke up in a motel room in Guadalajara next to a live goat and a sea captain with an actual hook for a hand. Hey, what happens in the ’90’s stays in the 90’s, I always say! Well, except for the herpes, of course. That one stays with you forever.

In case you forgot, Sienna Miller is a slut. Remember this and this? Also this. And don’t let’s forget this, from today’s NY Daily News:

We were a little curious when we caught Sienna Miller exiting the men’s room during Montblanc’s/UNICEF dinner in Hollywood, and downright intrigued when we saw she was being trailed by a short, straggly haired gent … whom she didn’t speak to again that night.

In her defense, I can think of a couple of reasons a woman might take a partner into the men’s bathroom. Maybe the toilet was clogged and she didn’t know how to use a plunger. Maybe there was a big hairy spider on the seat. Or maybe she just needed some sweet, sweet penis action up against the side of a urinal. Like mom always said, when there’s a will, there’s a way! Of course, she was talking about college, but I think it still applies here.

At the Montblanc UNICEF dinner:

Lumbering behemoth Russell Crowe used his giant gut to push Sienna Miller out of Ridley Scott’s new movie “Nottingham.” Page Six claims

Miller, who was to play Maid Marian, left the movie [on Friday] after being “put on hold” while shooting was pushed back from February to April.

An insider said, “Russell never lost the weight he put on for ‘Body of Evidence’ - and so the love scenes between him and Sienna would have been laughable. He’s so old and fat and she’s so young and gorgeous. It’s just . . . gross.”

Producers are “looking for an older, plumper actress to play the role so [Crowe] doesn’t look like a paunchy grandpa. Someone in her late 30s or early 40s.”

Candidates for the replacement Maid Marion are said to include Oscar-winner Kathy Bates, actress Camryn Manheim, and Whiskers the West Indian manatee.

BONUS: The new video for The Hours’ ‘See The Light’ starring Sienna as a mental patient after the jump. Sienna grocery shopping in London (below):

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Now that he’s abandoned his wife and family, actress Sienna Miller has grown tired of Balthazar Getty and moved on to penis-ier pastures. Us Weekly says

“I’m single at the moment, and I’m completely happy with that,” she said Friday at the Hollywood Dominoes: VIP Launch in London. “It’s nice not to have a relationship that the press constantly want to scrutinize and discuss. I’m cool with being on my own.”

Well, she might be cool with it, but I have a hunch her vagina isn’t. That thing can’t be stopped. It’s got a mind of its own. I give it a week before her labia unfurl like a couple Doc Ock arms to propel her through the street of downtown L.A. on a penis-hunting rampage, plowing over cars and smashing through windows in an attempt to grab savory males, then wielding them toward her puss with the intensity of an elephant using its trunk to stamp out a brush fire. Never before has carnage been so erotic! Rated R for nudity, sexual violence, and disturbing images.

At the Hollywood Dominos VIP launch in London Friday night:

Sienna Miller was awarded $27,000 in damages and an apology from Britain’s Daily Star yesterday after the tabloid published photos of her “in distress” while being “harassed by the paparazzi.” Kind of like the pictures you see above. E! Online reports

The photo in question was published Sept. 11. It shows the 26-year-old in the lobby of a Los Angeles building cornered by more than a dozen cameramen while waiting for an elevator. Video footage of the scene showed Miller red-faced and near tears.

In addition to the monetary settlement, the Daily Star issued an apology in today’s newspaper.

“We accept, as we said in the article, that Ms. Miller was extremely harassed and distressed by persistent pursuit and intimidating tactics adopted by numerous paparazzi in seeking to obtain photographs of her, including the very photograph that we published. We apologize to Sienna for publishing this photograph.”

Well, that settles it! You can’t go around making sluts cry and then take their picture. Good to know. I’ll have to make some schedule changes to my afternoon. In any event, Sienna still has a legal bone (ha ha!) to pick with the tabloids.

Miller lodged a separate privacy-violation action against the News of the World and Sun tabloids in July, along with the Big Picture paparazzi agency, seeking in excess of $180,000 for publishing the now-infamous topless photos of her and Getty on their Italian vacation over the summer.

That would be these pictures right here. Yes. Now, I’m not a rocket scientist or anything, but from what I remember in school, if you don’t want your topless picture taken, then DON’T GO OUT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WITH YOUR TITS FLOPPED OUT YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!!!! Aaarrrgh! That was a frustrated noise, not a pirate exclamation. Although I do like pirate talk. I figure “filthy bilge rat” and “scurvy slut bag” just about covers it. Now we just have to figure out a way for her to walk the plank without trying to mount it.

Boo fucking hoo:

Sienna Miller’s mum, Jo, is upset at the “feeding frenzy” surrounding her daughter’s illicit shenanigans with Balthazar Getty, and wants the big fat bullying internet to stop being so nasty.

Jo told U.K.’s Daily Express yesterday,

“You can’t understand how a woman seeing a man who has been separated from his wife [Rosetta Getty] for months can cause such a scandal. It’s awful, I can’t tell you. You wonder when it’s all going to stop.”

Well Jo, maybe if your trampy daughter stopped hanging around outside naked with other women’s husbands, she might not end up crying at the Kwik-E-Mart because people call a spade a spade. Maybe if she put some clothes on and refrained from giving anyone a public tongue bath for more than two consecutive weeks, the whole world might stop calling her a dumb slut. At this point, I think it would be fair to say that the average person could provide a medically accurate diagnosis of Sienna Miller’s breast health.

Despite his friends’ claims that he just wants to save his marriage, dumbass Balthazar Getty was spotted slipping Sienna Miller the tongue outside a Malibu grocery store over the weekend . According to Female First

Sienna had been waiting in a car as Balthazar - who spent the weekend trying to save his marriage to estranged wife Rosetta - rode his bicycle up and down the pavement of Malibu Colony Plaza Shopping Center checking for paparazzi. After giving her the thumbs up to signal that the coast was clear, [Sienna] left the car and [kissed him before] going into the store.

Balthazar continued to check for waiting photographers on his bike as Sienna, 26, shopped.

Maybe scoping out the scene from your ten-speed did the trick back in celebrity pioneer times, but this is the 21st century. We have such advances as “the horseless carriage,” “the flying machine,” “the differential analyzer,” and “the telephoto lens.” Balthazar might want to look into that. Also maybe self-respect.

Sienna Miller has been calling and texting married lover Balthazar Getty non-stop since discovering that he returned home to attempt a reconciliation with wife Rosetta. A source told The Daily Mail

“He told her he was going to LA to work and see his kids. But the reality is he is desperately trying to get back with his wife. He realizes he’s made a terrible mistake. He is trying to keep Sienna at arm’s length and hasn’t told her it is over yet so she is going frantic.”

In case you didn’t know, Balthazar Getty is a former drug addict and alcoholic who is currently undergoing counseling. Apparently, he only became involved with Sienna after taking a swandive off the sobriety wagon. The source adds:

“The reason the whole Sienna fling happened was because he fell off the wagon. He stopped ringing his counselor and stopped going to meetings. Him not being sober is the key to the whole mess. As soon as Balthy arrived back in LA he started pleading with his wife to take him back. He told me he’d gone to their house [and] stood outside crying. He was on the phone to Rosetta on and off for two hours, crying and constantly calling.

In his mind he has definitely dropped Sienna.”

The shoe doesn’t feel so good when it’s on the other foot, does it? Hmm… maybe I should use a more Sienna-friendly metaphor here. Let’s see… oh, I know — the wiener doesn’t feel so good when it’s going in the pooper, does it? Prepare for the kind of hemorrhoids of that can’t be soothed with medicated wipes!

Old pics of her in a bikini:

More of her topless adulterating last month: