Sienna Miller was awarded $27,000 in damages and an apology from Britain’s Daily Star yesterday after the tabloid published photos of her “in distress” while being “harassed by the paparazzi.” Kind of like the pictures you see above. E! Online reports

The photo in question was published Sept. 11. It shows the 26-year-old in the lobby of a Los Angeles building cornered by more than a dozen cameramen while waiting for an elevator. Video footage of the scene showed Miller red-faced and near tears.

In addition to the monetary settlement, the Daily Star issued an apology in today’s newspaper.

“We accept, as we said in the article, that Ms. Miller was extremely harassed and distressed by persistent pursuit and intimidating tactics adopted by numerous paparazzi in seeking to obtain photographs of her, including the very photograph that we published. We apologize to Sienna for publishing this photograph.”

Well, that settles it! You can’t go around making sluts cry and then take their picture. Good to know. I’ll have to make some schedule changes to my afternoon. In any event, Sienna still has a legal bone (ha ha!) to pick with the tabloids.

Miller lodged a separate privacy-violation action against the News of the World and Sun tabloids in July, along with the Big Picture paparazzi agency, seeking in excess of $180,000 for publishing the now-infamous topless photos of her and Getty on their Italian vacation over the summer.

That would be these pictures right here. Yes. Now, I’m not a rocket scientist or anything, but from what I remember in school, if you don’t want your topless picture taken, then DON’T GO OUT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WITH YOUR TITS FLOPPED OUT YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!!!! Aaarrrgh! That was a frustrated noise, not a pirate exclamation. Although I do like pirate talk. I figure “filthy bilge rat” and “scurvy slut bag” just about covers it. Now we just have to figure out a way for her to walk the plank without trying to mount it.

Boo fucking hoo:

Sienna Miller’s mum, Jo, is upset at the “feeding frenzy” surrounding her daughter’s illicit shenanigans with Balthazar Getty, and wants the big fat bullying internet to stop being so nasty.

Jo told U.K.’s Daily Express yesterday,

“You can’t understand how a woman seeing a man who has been separated from his wife [Rosetta Getty] for months can cause such a scandal. It’s awful, I can’t tell you. You wonder when it’s all going to stop.”

Well Jo, maybe if your trampy daughter stopped hanging around outside naked with other women’s husbands, she might not end up crying at the Kwik-E-Mart because people call a spade a spade. Maybe if she put some clothes on and refrained from giving anyone a public tongue bath for more than two consecutive weeks, the whole world might stop calling her a dumb slut. At this point, I think it would be fair to say that the average person could provide a medically accurate diagnosis of Sienna Miller’s breast health.

Despite his friends’ claims that he just wants to save his marriage, dumbass Balthazar Getty was spotted slipping Sienna Miller the tongue outside a Malibu grocery store over the weekend . According to Female First

Sienna had been waiting in a car as Balthazar - who spent the weekend trying to save his marriage to estranged wife Rosetta - rode his bicycle up and down the pavement of Malibu Colony Plaza Shopping Center checking for paparazzi. After giving her the thumbs up to signal that the coast was clear, [Sienna] left the car and [kissed him before] going into the store.

Balthazar continued to check for waiting photographers on his bike as Sienna, 26, shopped.

Maybe scoping out the scene from your ten-speed did the trick back in celebrity pioneer times, but this is the 21st century. We have such advances as “the horseless carriage,” “the flying machine,” “the differential analyzer,” and “the telephoto lens.” Balthazar might want to look into that. Also maybe self-respect.

Sienna Miller has been calling and texting married lover Balthazar Getty non-stop since discovering that he returned home to attempt a reconciliation with wife Rosetta. A source told The Daily Mail

“He told her he was going to LA to work and see his kids. But the reality is he is desperately trying to get back with his wife. He realizes he’s made a terrible mistake. He is trying to keep Sienna at arm’s length and hasn’t told her it is over yet so she is going frantic.”

In case you didn’t know, Balthazar Getty is a former drug addict and alcoholic who is currently undergoing counseling. Apparently, he only became involved with Sienna after taking a swandive off the sobriety wagon. The source adds:

“The reason the whole Sienna fling happened was because he fell off the wagon. He stopped ringing his counselor and stopped going to meetings. Him not being sober is the key to the whole mess. As soon as Balthy arrived back in LA he started pleading with his wife to take him back. He told me he’d gone to their house [and] stood outside crying. He was on the phone to Rosetta on and off for two hours, crying and constantly calling.

In his mind he has definitely dropped Sienna.”

The shoe doesn’t feel so good when it’s on the other foot, does it? Hmm… maybe I should use a more Sienna-friendly metaphor here. Let’s see… oh, I know — the wiener doesn’t feel so good when it’s going in the pooper, does it? Prepare for the kind of hemorrhoids of that can’t be soothed with medicated wipes!

Old pics of her in a bikini:

More of her topless adulterating last month:

Kimberly Stewart seems to have acquired a taste for Sienna Miller’s old orifice pluggers — first Jude Law, and now Rhys Ifans. According to The Sun

The socialite spent last night cheering up Rhys Ifans, who was recently left broken hearted when Sienna dumped him for Balthazar Getty. They were careful to be pictured leaving top night spot Bungalow 8 separately, but sources say they were inseparable inside.

My mother once gave me a word of advice that I think applies here. She said, “Don’t ever eat where Sienna Miller shat.” Also, “You’d be better off stubbing out a cigar in your vagina.” Remember, burns will heal, but herpes is forever!

Sienna Miller’s pubic hair was digitally altered for a more “authentic” look for her role in the movie “Hippie Hippie Shake.” According to Digital Spy

“The film is set in the swinging ’60s when fashion was wild and body hair even wilder,” said a source. “Unfortunately, Brazilian [waxes] weren’t common in the ’60s. Sienna’s private parts were digitally enhanced, giving her a rather unruly, loud and proud bush.”

What happened to fully committing to a role? Christian Bale, for example, lost nearly 70 pounds for his role in The Machinist. Sienna Miller couldn’t be bothered to lay off on the razor for three months? When I was in an adaption of Exit the King two years ago, I grew my bush till it was nearly six inches in diameter. It looked like I had Richard Simmons in a leglock. I was just a stagehand in the play, but that’s really beside the point. Sienna Miller’s just plain lazy.

The pics in case you missed them the first time:

In case Balthazar Getty’s wife and mother of his four children hadn’t seen those photos of her husband and Sienna Miller cavorting topless in a Italian villa boudoir last week, Sienna pranced around for a public titty-mauling in full view of God and the paparazzi on Friday. So much for subtlety, right? The only way this could be any more demeaning for poor Rosetta is if Sienna also took a dump on the picture and then slapped her in the face with it.

You got to hand it to Sienna Miller — when she fucks around with a woman’s husband, she doesn’t get weighed down with things like “shame” and “remorse” and “guilt.” She does it topless in the middle of the ocean while posing for the camera. The Daily Mail says

Sienna Miller has revealed the depth of her love for new boyfriend Balthazar Getty during a secret romantic break on the Amalfi Coast in Italy. The actress [and] the American TV and film star shared a kiss in a very public display of affection.

This guy is married with four kids, and she’s got her tits out and sitting in his lap like it’s topless fucking Christmas in July or something. Jesus. I’d say our only hope now is a carbon freezing chamber and a 600-year-old Hutt crime lord with a taste for herpes and RU-486.

Sienna Miller is busy playing homewrecker since dumping actor Rhys Ifans for ex-boyfriend Matthew Rhys — she’s now porking Balthazar Getty, a multi-millionaire oil heir with a family of four. According to The Mirror

Balthazar is married with four children. His furious wife is speaking to divorce lawyers. It is not yet known if Sienna will be named in any court papers. Balthazar secretly flew to London and Prague to be with her. She has spent last week in a Hollywood house with him. The pair have been holed up day and night with each other

“This behaviour is typical Sienna. She loves the power of being able to take a man off another woman,” says a friend of Matthew’s.

I don’t like to brag, but I’m well on the way to being a millionaire myself. And I didn’t even have to use my vagina to break up a happy home! All I had to do was deposit a check from this Kenyan whose uncle died and then send him back the wire fees. Not to mention I’ve already won the British International Lottery. Twice. And I’ve never even been to Engand! Can you believe that? I’ve already sent them my checking account and routing numbers; now I’m just waiting for the deposit. I guess I’m just what you folks might call “lucky!”

At “The Edge of Love” premiere in Scotland:

At the same premiere in London:

Sienna Miller broke up with fiancé Rhys Ifans last weekend over her insatiable need for penis his jealousy issues. A source told The Sun:

“Things have been awkward for a while after she caught Rhys going through her text messages for ‘incriminating evidence’. He has been giving her a hard time lately, questioning her commitment to him. She compared him to a spotlight shining in her face all the time. She couldn’t… cope with his jealousy.

He is heartbroken they have split.”

Nothing could be as heartbreaking as that damn hairstyle of his. It’s like Rod Stewart and Quasimodo made a hair baby. Seriously, where do you even get that cut? Other than a bell tower in Notre Dame? I’m guessing you tell your stylist, “Think Jeff Daniels in ‘Dumb and Dumber.’ No, no — more disheveled! Try these pinking shears!” before just using a lighter to burn the ends off yourself.

Sienna as The Baroness on the set of G.I. Joe:

It’s a day ending in “y,” so by my calculations, it’s time for Sienna Miller to show us her snatch/tits again! And in case you missed her boobs the first time she pulled her bikini top down (photo left), then check out the tit-tastic view when she pulls her top up (photo right). And then down again (thumbnail 4)! And now back up again (thumbnail 2)! And then check out the view when she circles them with magic marker and puts flashing police lights on either side of them and has a little midget in a rhinestone jumpsuit scream “SIENNA MILLER TITTIES” out of a megaphone while blasting an airhorn and throwing confetti! I’m not one hundred percent sure here, but I think she might want us to check out her boobies. Of course, that’s just an educated guess. Don’t quote me on that.

Can you guess what’s going on in this picture of Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans? Is it:

A) The classic “Tie a Knot in a Guy’s Drawstring with Your Tongue” party trick

B) If she puts her ear to his belly button and listens carefully, she can hear the sea

C) Geriatric boil ointment has to applied at close range OR:

D) Rhys is dutch-ovening a fart in his trunks and making Sienna smell it until she screams “Uncle!”

Did you guess yet? I’m torn between E) No way I let this perfectly good cocaine stuck in your gut flab go to waste! and F) How is my stupid piehole empty when there’s been a penis right here in front of me the whole time?

More of Rhys and Sienna’s asscrack frolicking in the Gulf of Mexico: