I was trying to remind myself why I’ve never watched Glee before, and then I saw this clip of Gwyneth Paltrow singing on an upcoming episode, and then I remembered why. There’s a ton of other things I’d rather do than watch a bunch of singing homos. Like zapping my nipples with a cattle prod, for one.  Us Magazine says,

After a hugely successful November guest appearance on Fox’s Glee, Gwyneth Paltrow returns to the series as substitute teacher Holly Holliday.

On Tuesday’s episode — Paltrow’s second appearance — the actress jams with McKinley High’s New Directions glee club.

Clad in a black leather jacket, Paltrow, 38, belts out Joan Jett’s “Do You Wanna Touch Me” while bopping around the choir room with Glee’s Lea Michele, Cory Monteith, Mark Salling and others.

In the episode, titled “Sexy,” Paltrow’s Holliday takes a full-time gig as the school’s new sex-ed teacher. One key piece of advice Paltrow offers? “Just remember, when you’re having sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with,” she says in the above clip. “And everyone’s got a random!”

Watching Gwyneth Paltrow attempt to be sexy leaves me with an awkward, uncomfortable feeling. It’s just not something meant to be seen. It’s like that one time I paid a friend to let me watch his retarded sister have sex with her boyfriend. Some things should just really remain private.

Disaster was averted this past Friday by a heroic pair of underpants when Paris Hilton’s Cave of Horrors tried to unleash its curse upon an unsuspecting nightclub crowd in France. No one was hurt, but unfortunately the brave wisp of fabric was badly burned in the fray as it blocked the malodorous, caustic fumes from spreading.

Paris, Nicky Hilton and Doug Reinhard killing the last 3 brain cells they collectively share:

Shrinking violet Tila Tequila celebrated Cinco de Mayo just like she does every other day of her miserable, fame-whoring life. Unfortunately for her, since this was in Nevada and bestiality is illegal, she wasn’t able to get it on with a donkey. That party was taking place in Tennessee.

Singing “I Love My DJ” at LAX nightclub in Las Vegas:

Hi there guys, it’s Sonya, and I’ll be filling in for Abby this week, so to start things off–I know you’ve been wondering what Katie Holmes has been up to. No? Well, I have. I was going to Google her to see what’s new, but that was on my to do list after “purify my soul with self-flagellation”, and well, I just didn’t get around to it. What can I say, it’s summer and I’m feeling a bit unrepentant. Which is fortunate that Digital Spy has already taken care of that for me.

Katie Holmes has been described by her choreographer as a “brilliant dancer”, it has emerged.

The 30-year-old actress has been confirmed to appear on the 100th episode of Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance on July 23.

Holmes, who is expected to channel Judy Garland, will help aid her nonprofit organisation, the Dizzy Feet Foundation, with her song-and-dance number on the show.

Choreographer Mia Michaels told People: “She’s really blossoming into a gorgeous triple-threat star.

“So, I’m excited. I saw clips of it and it’s brilliant!”

Well, duh. That’s a given. If a Stepford Wife can’t bust out a mean robot dance routine, I don’t know what this world’s coming to. And if she’s “channeling Judy Garland”, I hope that means that Tom Cruise won’t be expecting to get a set of ruby slippers out of this.

Katie “Mrs. Roboto” Holmes, handler and spawn at the Australian stage production of ‘Jersey Boys: The Story of Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons’ at the Princess Theatre….snore