If you thought Kim Kardashian’s “Turn it Up” was bad, brace yourself for the auditory equivalent of an ass-raping with a fistful of plastic sporks: Paris Hilton’s new song “Drunk Text.” It was recorded over a year ago and it’s not part of her new album, but somehow it’s just now finding its way online. It’s absolutely godawful. I mean it. It’s seriously the worst song I’ve ever heard in my life. It makes “The Stars are Blind” sound like Beethoven’s fucking Ninth Symphony. I couldn’t even listen all the way through.

The producers of Rihanna’s new “Birthday Cake” remix denied that Chris Brown was the “shocking” cameo on her latest track, but the single is online and of course it features none other than Chris “I Punched That Bitch in the Face” Brown. And if the title “Birthday Cake” didn’t tip you off, the song is a real auditory delight. ABC News says:

Rumors [that Brown was the featured collaborator on Rihanna's new single] only grew on Monday morning when Brown tweeted, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBYN!,” to which Rihanna — replied “Thanks!” — [marking] the first time in a long time that the former flames had communicated directly with each other on Twitter.

Brown tweeted a link to the new music, along with a couple words from the blush-worthy track — “Cake, cake, cake!” — which Rihanna retweeted along with some additional lyrics, “#RihannaNavy Come and put ya name on it!!!!!”

Brown also shared a link revealing that Rihanna had returned the favor, reuniting with her former beau on a re-do of his Fortune single “Turn Up the Music.”

Though there’ve been rumors that Brown and Rihanna have rekindled their romance, Brown’s rep has said that is in a relationship and not cheating on his girlfriend. One listen to Rihanna and Brown’s verses on the highly suggestive “Birthday Cake” remix though, and speculation about whether the former pair are dating again is likely only to grow.

“Rekindle” is an interesting choice of words to describe what they’re doing to their relationship, but I don’t guess there is a word in English that means “pick the infected scab off a partially-weeping sore with a dirty fingernail and a pair of rusted roach clips.” I find most Germanic-based languages can be so limiting that way.

At Nozomi restaurant in London last night:

Although her new single won’t be in stores until August 23rd, Lady Gaga released the gimmicky controversial cover of “You And I” on her Twitter yesterday: Gaga dressed up as her “male alter ego” Jo Calderone. If you ever wondered what it would look like if somebody crossbred Danny Zuko with Bob Dylan and then abandoned them to a lifetime of heroin addiction and dirty sanchezes, wonder no more, my friend. All is about to be revealed.

This may shock and confound you, but it seems the last of Charlie Sheen’s porn star “goddesses” has left the Sober Valley Lodge in search of greener, less-fisted pastures. TMZ says:

Natalie Kenly moved out last week — but hell hath no fury like a Warlock scorned … because we’re told the actor DEMANDED she return the Mercedes he bought her.

According to sources close to the actor, Charlie brushed off the break-up, claiming it’s “not a common thing for the Masheen!”

We’re told Charlie’s penis celebrated the split by declaring war on the entire world, conquering three women from three different countries — Mexico, Australia, and Colombia — the very night Kenly walked out.

Charlie Sheen looks like a fucking corpse and the best that could be said about his live-in whores is that they still have most of their teeth, so instead we’re gonna look at Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley at the premiere of Transformers 3. Consider it an act of mercy.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Smarmy couple  Jude Law and Sienna Miller have once again called it quits. Please, suppress your sobbing until I finish. OK! Magazine reports,

Jude Law and Sienna Miller have ended their relationship once again. The off-again, on-again couple is switched back to off now.

“Yes, I can confirm their separation,” Jude’s rep said (via E! News).

As for why it didn’t work out this time? That remains unknown.

Jude, 38, and Sienna, 29, first starting dating back in 2004 after they filmed Alfie together… and after Jude divorced his wife, Sadie Frost.

The stars got engaged on Christmas Day of that same year. But in 2006 they called off the engagement after reports came out claiming Jude had an affair with the nanny of his children.

They were brought back together when they both starred on Broadway in 2009, but it seems like that’s now ran its course.

It’s all right, I have complete confidence that they’ll get back together. Not because I have unfailing belief in the power of love, but because “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.” You can’t argue with that. It’s in the Bible, man.

With newly single Keira Knightley in London:

Kim Kardashian has vowed to take her Goliath ass off the dating market for 2011. I know, you’re really heartbroken about this, right? Digital Spy says,

Speaking to Entertainment Tonight, Kardashian explained that it’s already proving difficult to maintain her resolve and not date.

“It’s hard,” she said. “It really is hard when you meet great people, so I just try, still trying to stick to it, but it’s hard.”

The reality star went on to suggest that now that she is not in a long-term relationship fans will see another side of her personality on the new series Kourtney & Kim Take New York!.

She noted: “We were just saying how open I was on this season because I’ve been very closed off when it comes to relationships. At least you might think that you see a lot of me, but I really, you know, any time I’ve been in a relationship… it’s a little bit more difficult to show any part of my personal life, relationship life, on the show. You get bits and pieces, not enough.”

Oh, she’s a sly one, she is. She said she’s not going to date, but she doesn’t say anything about one-night-stands, and she definitely didn’t say anything about getting peed on. Don’t you try to take that away from her!  Golden showers is like mother’s milk to her. It’s all about the loopholes. She’s not a lawyer’s daughter for nothing.

Picking up cleaning:

I’m a little tardy to the party on this one thanks to those server issues we had last week, but Kim Kardashian debuted her new single and a head full of cornrows New Year’s Eve at Tao, and I’d be failing you as a celebrity gossip blogger and a person not to post it for your amusement. Yahoo says:

The reality bombshell sported the [cornrow] braids for the music video for her first-ever single, which she debuted at Tao nightclub in Vegas on New Year’s Eve.

As for the song? Hmmmmm. Let’s just say that Paris Hilton’s past musical attempt (“Stars Are Blind”) is somewhat catchier, if no less Auto-tuned.

I can’t think of anything more insulting than having your new single deemed a second-rate Paris Hilton song. I was gonna say something like, “Kim should be glad her real dad’s dead, because he would have died of sheer embarrassment after hearing that piece of shit,” but it just didn’t seem as vicious and mean-spiritied. I tip my hat to you, Yahoo!

Because there’s nothing sexier than visible scalp:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

After dating Jamie Kennedy for almost a year, Jennifer Love Hewitt is now single again. People Magazine says

Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have broken up.

Though some called them an unlikely couple, Kennedy and Hewitt regularly gushed over each other.

Kennedy told Ryan Seacrest [in 2009], “I’m in love! It’s like, ‘Wow, you are hot. You can sing, you can dance, you’re like, so smart and, wow, you can cook pasta fagioli, too.’”

Yes, but can she cook that pasta fagioli in a thong? Adrianne Curry sure can (see NSFW evidence by clicking the image above), and she’s actually married. Maybe that irrational need for pants is weighing you down in more ways than one, ladies.

Jennifer not showing her ass (tsk, tsk) with Jamie at the Twilight premiere last year, plus some of her at the 100th episode of Ghost Whisperer:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Michael Jackson’s troubles continue to follow him even after death. Singer/songwriter Paul Anka accused Jackson of swiping the song that he co-wrote. Says ABC News,

Michael Jackson’s new single, “This Is It,” was barely out of the box this week before singer-songwriter Paul Anka claimed that he and Jackson co-wrote the song in 1983 under a different title, “I Never Heard.” Anka told TMZ that Jackson “stole the tapes” from Anka’s studio, where he and Jackson wrote and recorded the song. “They have a major, major problem on their hands. They will be sued if they don’t correct it,” Anka told The New York Times. Soon after Anka’s threat of legal action, record executive and producer Jon McClain called to acknowledge Anka’s co-authorship and promise “all due credit and royalties.” The estate also released a statement that said, in part, “The song was co-written by the legendary Paul Anka.”

Well, if this isn’t proof that whatever talent Michael had earlier in life left him as he grew older and more bizarre, I don’t know what is. You’d think that if he bothered to steal it, it’d actually be good. It’s bland, boring, and lacking in originality. Watch it yourself:

Aaand cue the hysterical MJ fans…

Shakira just unveiled the new hot-as-hell cover for her latest single, She Wolf. You know, it’s funny — they actually used to call me She-Wolf back in high school. Not because of my natural mystique and my solitary grace, though. Mostly because I had a unibrow and a mustache and could put away four trays of cafeteria meatloaf in one sitting. Yeah, I always fucking hated high school.

Oldies but goodies:

Megan Fox is not only jaw-droppingly gorgeous, she’s also a bonafide genius. Need proof? The Daily Mail says

She [says of] her ‘Brian’ tattoo – dedicated to on/off boyfriend Brian Austin Green: ‘I wouldn’t regret the tattoo if we weren’t together. I can always have a kid and name him Brian. There are options.’

That’s fucking brilliant. Now I just have to have a couple of kids and name them “Yosemite Sam” and “In Loving Memory: Bubba ‘Cooter’ Wallace 1973 — 1991 R.I.P.” and my lower back won’t seem so fucking stupid anymore.

Looking like a Grecian goddess at the L.A. premiere of Transformers:

Now that he’s abandoned his wife and family, actress Sienna Miller has grown tired of Balthazar Getty and moved on to penis-ier pastures. Us Weekly says

“I’m single at the moment, and I’m completely happy with that,” she said Friday at the Hollywood Dominoes: VIP Launch in London. “It’s nice not to have a relationship that the press constantly want to scrutinize and discuss. I’m cool with being on my own.”

Well, she might be cool with it, but I have a hunch her vagina isn’t. That thing can’t be stopped. It’s got a mind of its own. I give it a week before her labia unfurl like a couple Doc Ock arms to propel her through the street of downtown L.A. on a penis-hunting rampage, plowing over cars and smashing through windows in an attempt to grab savory males, then wielding them toward her puss with the intensity of an elephant using its trunk to stamp out a brush fire. Never before has carnage been so erotic! Rated R for nudity, sexual violence, and disturbing images.

At the Hollywood Dominos VIP launch in London Friday night: