Although her new single won’t be in stores until August 23rd, Lady Gaga released the gimmicky controversial cover of “You And I” on her Twitter yesterday: Gaga dressed up as her “male alter ego” Jo Calderone. If you ever wondered what it would look like if somebody crossbred Danny Zuko with Bob Dylan and then abandoned them to a lifetime of heroin addiction and dirty sanchezes, wonder no more, my friend. All is about to be revealed.

This may shock and confound you, but it seems the last of Charlie Sheen’s porn star “goddesses” has left the Sober Valley Lodge in search of greener, less-fisted pastures. TMZ says:

Natalie Kenly moved out last week — but hell hath no fury like a Warlock scorned … because we’re told the actor DEMANDED she return the Mercedes he bought her.

According to sources close to the actor, Charlie brushed off the break-up, claiming it’s “not a common thing for the Masheen!”

We’re told Charlie’s penis celebrated the split by declaring war on the entire world, conquering three women from three different countries — Mexico, Australia, and Colombia — the very night Kenly walked out.

Charlie Sheen looks like a fucking corpse and the best that could be said about his live-in whores is that they still have most of their teeth, so instead we’re gonna look at Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley at the premiere of Transformers 3. Consider it an act of mercy.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Smarmy couple  Jude Law and Sienna Miller have once again called it quits. Please, suppress your sobbing until I finish. OK! Magazine reports,

Jude Law and Sienna Miller have ended their relationship once again. The off-again, on-again couple is switched back to off now.

“Yes, I can confirm their separation,” Jude’s rep said (via E! News).

As for why it didn’t work out this time? That remains unknown.

Jude, 38, and Sienna, 29, first starting dating back in 2004 after they filmed Alfie together… and after Jude divorced his wife, Sadie Frost.

The stars got engaged on Christmas Day of that same year. But in 2006 they called off the engagement after reports came out claiming Jude had an affair with the nanny of his children.

They were brought back together when they both starred on Broadway in 2009, but it seems like that’s now ran its course.

It’s all right, I have complete confidence that they’ll get back together. Not because I have unfailing belief in the power of love, but because “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.” You can’t argue with that. It’s in the Bible, man.

With newly single Keira Knightley in London:

Kim Kardashian has vowed to take her Goliath ass off the dating market for 2011. I know, you’re really heartbroken about this, right? Digital Spy says,

Speaking to Entertainment Tonight, Kardashian explained that it’s already proving difficult to maintain her resolve and not date.

“It’s hard,” she said. “It really is hard when you meet great people, so I just try, still trying to stick to it, but it’s hard.”

The reality star went on to suggest that now that she is not in a long-term relationship fans will see another side of her personality on the new series Kourtney & Kim Take New York!.

She noted: “We were just saying how open I was on this season because I’ve been very closed off when it comes to relationships. At least you might think that you see a lot of me, but I really, you know, any time I’ve been in a relationship… it’s a little bit more difficult to show any part of my personal life, relationship life, on the show. You get bits and pieces, not enough.”

Oh, she’s a sly one, she is. She said she’s not going to date, but she doesn’t say anything about one-night-stands, and she definitely didn’t say anything about getting peed on. Don’t you try to take that away from her!  Golden showers is like mother’s milk to her. It’s all about the loopholes. She’s not a lawyer’s daughter for nothing.

Picking up cleaning:

I’m a little tardy to the party on this one thanks to those server issues we had last week, but Kim Kardashian debuted her new single and a head full of cornrows New Year’s Eve at Tao, and I’d be failing you as a celebrity gossip blogger and a person not to post it for your amusement. Yahoo says:

The reality bombshell sported the [cornrow] braids for the music video for her first-ever single, which she debuted at Tao nightclub in Vegas on New Year’s Eve.

As for the song? Hmmmmm. Let’s just say that Paris Hilton’s past musical attempt (“Stars Are Blind”) is somewhat catchier, if no less Auto-tuned.

I can’t think of anything more insulting than having your new single deemed a second-rate Paris Hilton song. I was gonna say something like, “Kim should be glad her real dad’s dead, because he would have died of sheer embarrassment after hearing that piece of shit,” but it just didn’t seem as vicious and mean-spiritied. I tip my hat to you, Yahoo!

Because there’s nothing sexier than visible scalp:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

After dating Jamie Kennedy for almost a year, Jennifer Love Hewitt is now single again. People Magazine says

Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy have broken up.

Though some called them an unlikely couple, Kennedy and Hewitt regularly gushed over each other.

Kennedy told Ryan Seacrest [in 2009], “I’m in love! It’s like, ‘Wow, you are hot. You can sing, you can dance, you’re like, so smart and, wow, you can cook pasta fagioli, too.’”

Yes, but can she cook that pasta fagioli in a thong? Adrianne Curry sure can (see NSFW evidence by clicking the image above), and she’s actually married. Maybe that irrational need for pants is weighing you down in more ways than one, ladies.

Jennifer not showing her ass (tsk, tsk) with Jamie at the Twilight premiere last year, plus some of her at the 100th episode of Ghost Whisperer:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Michael Jackson’s troubles continue to follow him even after death. Singer/songwriter Paul Anka accused Jackson of swiping the song that he co-wrote. Says ABC News,

Michael Jackson’s new single, “This Is It,” was barely out of the box this week before singer-songwriter Paul Anka claimed that he and Jackson co-wrote the song in 1983 under a different title, “I Never Heard.” Anka told TMZ that Jackson “stole the tapes” from Anka’s studio, where he and Jackson wrote and recorded the song. “They have a major, major problem on their hands. They will be sued if they don’t correct it,” Anka told The New York Times. Soon after Anka’s threat of legal action, record executive and producer Jon McClain called to acknowledge Anka’s co-authorship and promise “all due credit and royalties.” The estate also released a statement that said, in part, “The song was co-written by the legendary Paul Anka.”

Well, if this isn’t proof that whatever talent Michael had earlier in life left him as he grew older and more bizarre, I don’t know what is. You’d think that if he bothered to steal it, it’d actually be good. It’s bland, boring, and lacking in originality. Watch it yourself:

Aaand cue the hysterical MJ fans…

Shakira just unveiled the new hot-as-hell cover for her latest single, She Wolf. You know, it’s funny — they actually used to call me She-Wolf back in high school. Not because of my natural mystique and my solitary grace, though. Mostly because I had a unibrow and a mustache and could put away four trays of cafeteria meatloaf in one sitting. Yeah, I always fucking hated high school.

Oldies but goodies:

Megan Fox is not only jaw-droppingly gorgeous, she’s also a bonafide genius. Need proof? The Daily Mail says

She [says of] her ‘Brian’ tattoo – dedicated to on/off boyfriend Brian Austin Green: ‘I wouldn’t regret the tattoo if we weren’t together. I can always have a kid and name him Brian. There are options.’

That’s fucking brilliant. Now I just have to have a couple of kids and name them “Yosemite Sam” and “In Loving Memory: Bubba ‘Cooter’ Wallace 1973 — 1991 R.I.P.” and my lower back won’t seem so fucking stupid anymore.

Looking like a Grecian goddess at the L.A. premiere of Transformers:

Now that he’s abandoned his wife and family, actress Sienna Miller has grown tired of Balthazar Getty and moved on to penis-ier pastures. Us Weekly says

“I’m single at the moment, and I’m completely happy with that,” she said Friday at the Hollywood Dominoes: VIP Launch in London. “It’s nice not to have a relationship that the press constantly want to scrutinize and discuss. I’m cool with being on my own.”

Well, she might be cool with it, but I have a hunch her vagina isn’t. That thing can’t be stopped. It’s got a mind of its own. I give it a week before her labia unfurl like a couple Doc Ock arms to propel her through the street of downtown L.A. on a penis-hunting rampage, plowing over cars and smashing through windows in an attempt to grab savory males, then wielding them toward her puss with the intensity of an elephant using its trunk to stamp out a brush fire. Never before has carnage been so erotic! Rated R for nudity, sexual violence, and disturbing images.

At the Hollywood Dominos VIP launch in London Friday night:

Sienna Miller broke up with fiancé Rhys Ifans last weekend over her insatiable need for penis his jealousy issues. A source told The Sun:

“Things have been awkward for a while after she caught Rhys going through her text messages for ‘incriminating evidence’. He has been giving her a hard time lately, questioning her commitment to him. She compared him to a spotlight shining in her face all the time. She couldn’t… cope with his jealousy.

He is heartbroken they have split.”

Nothing could be as heartbreaking as that damn hairstyle of his. It’s like Rod Stewart and Quasimodo made a hair baby. Seriously, where do you even get that cut? Other than a bell tower in Notre Dame? I’m guessing you tell your stylist, “Think Jeff Daniels in ‘Dumb and Dumber.’ No, no — more disheveled! Try these pinking shears!” before just using a lighter to burn the ends off yourself.

Sienna as The Baroness on the set of G.I. Joe:

Here’s the first single from Scarlett Johansson’s un-anticipated album, “Anywhere I Lay My Head” — a cover of Tom Waits’ classic “Falling Down.” It sounds like she set the mic on echo effect and did her best Gort from “The Day the Earth Stood Still” impression. It’s great if you’re into staccato machinized bleating. Otherwise, not so much. And if you happen to be a fan of staccato machinized bleating, you should really invest in a Murchland vacuum goat milker. It’s the Rolls-Royce of late 19th century milking machines! Available at Ephraim Buzzleworth’s Feed & Seed and other fine retailers circa 1892.

55 seconds is insufferable enough, but you can watch it in its entirety here.