All I know is I passed out in 2011, and when I woke up this morning, it was already three days into 2012. So Happy New Year, boys and girls! A fortune cookie I found under the seat of my aunt’s Chrysler LeBaron told me 2012 is supposedly the Year of the Dragon, which I know is just a secret code meaning “The Year the Chinese Finally Take Over the World.” Don’t worry, I’ve already started stock-piling weapons and I dug out a bomb shelter under the foundation of my aunt’s house, so when the Asian apocalypse is nigh, you can bet I’m gonna be the last white girl standing. That goes double for zombie attacks and alien invasions. Believe me, I’ve covered all my bases.

And when I get a chance to wallpaper inside my bunker, I’m gonna do it with these pics of Victoria’s Secret model Lily Aldridge:

Sorry for the lack of updates yesterday, but I didn’t figure you’d be online anyway, what with the impending winter solstice festival and everything. You were probably busy sacrificing white female animals and buttering the doorposts so that Beiwe, the sun-goddess of fertility and sanity, could fly through the sky on her sleigh made of reindeer bones and collect your wreaths of meat and ribbons. Also I was still hungover. Posting will resume as normal today, unless Beiwe had to snatch your children from their beds because you neglected to properly decorate your meat wreath.

EDITOR’S NOTES: Meat Wreath would make a great name for a band. Or a really foul euphemism for the female vagina. High five!

I just wanted to take this opportunity to apologize for the lack of updates yesterday. Long story short, turns out you can’t ride your ten-speed down the road with a sawed-off shotgun pointed at your temple, even if it’s not actually loaded or anything. Not unless you want your probation revoked and a mandatory 5150 hold. Anyway, mindless celebrity drivel will resume as usual this afternoon tomorrow morning, just as soon as they take off these padded restraints. Thanks for understanding.

Apologies for the lack of updates yesterday. Hurricane Irene knocked out the power, so I’ve been living without TV or the internet for the last three days, like an animal. I hope these pics of Erin Heatherton modeling Victoria’s Secret sportswear make up for it. If it doesn’t, fuck you. I’ve been forced to defecate in the corners of my house like a feral cat and drink Early Times all day long for the last 72 hours straight, so think about that before you get all huffy. And yes, I was technically already doing that before we lost power, but I could at least still see what I was doing then. Drinking and going to the bathroom in the dark is a lot harder than it sounds. Particularly if you do them in that order.

Bonus video of her modeling the line after the jump:

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Keeley Hazell did a lovely little photo shoot as a promo for her new interactive video “Keeping Keeley”, sponsored by Lynx Effect (that’s Axe Body Spray to Americans).  We had exclusive behind-the-scenes footage from the video last week, as you probably recall.  Americans can’t watch the video, because that’s just the price which must be paid for having body sprays named after lumberjack tools instead of big cats (and also because the video is available exclusively to UK residents, who can watch it here).

But hey, quit crying your little bitch tears, Americans!  There’s a sub-par Yank consolation prize!  Here’s the trailer for “Keeping Keeley”:

And here’s the Axe Detailer video “Clean Your Balls” starring Jamie Pressly:

And in other sexy news, Abby will be back tomorrow (for realsies this time [I'm pretty sure]) so you can have a joyous reunion and finally stop cursing my name and wondering when the hell I’m gonna go away.  It’s been delightful, my dears!

Kisses,
Sarah

Keeley Hazell in a promo shoot for “Keeping Keeley”:

Hello my pretties, it’s Sarah again.  Abby was supposed to be back from vacation today, but she hit a big of a snag at customs… something about checking in too much luggage and needing permits for the ladies in kennels.  I don’t know.  It’s such a bloody hassle trying to smuggle in Russian prostitutes as mail-order brides these days, you know?  Hey, speaking of hookers, here’s Mischa Barton on set for her guest appearance as a prostitute on “Law & Order SVU”:

I don’t think any of these pictures are from the Victoria’s Secret 2010 Valentine’s Special we saw the other day.  I’m pretty sure these are just from their regular, non-Valentine swimwear and lingerie catalogue, not that any of you lot really give a shit one way or the other what the hell they’re for.  I’m sure all you care about is the fact that they feature Alessandra Ambrosio with very little fabric covering her naked flesh.

In other sexy news, Abby’s back from vacation early and will be re-joining you on Monday.  As always, it’s been a pleasure being with you these last few weeks, and I’ll see you again soon.

Kisses,
Sarah

Well, it’s that special time of year again, a time when I get so routinely hammered that I pee in my own suitcase (true story) and set fire to my in-laws’ living room (also true story). Or as the rest of the world calls it, “Christmas.” I’ll be taking the next two weeks off to punish my liver and my extended family, but in the meantime, Sonya and Sarah will be here to give you your latest gossip fix. And possibly bail me out of jail. So I’ll be seeing you next year, bitches! Merry Christmas!

Love,
Abby