Usually when I see something this hideous, it’s shrieking like a banshee and chasing me through some kind of open field. And I’m doing that kind of arms-flailing fumbling run — I’ve almost made it, I’ve almost made it — and then I glance over my shoulder and it’s right there on me. That’s about the time I wake up because I’ve pissed the bed and it was all just a horrible dream. No such luck here. That picture of Amy Winehouse isn’t going anywhere. Trust me, I’ve already tried peeing on myself twice. Nothing.

Various candids from the last week:

Amy Winehouse was photographed with some kind of disgusting leprous lump on her face last week. The Daily Mail says

The troubled singer tried to conceal her swollen, bruised left cheek with make-up… but a close friend confirmed… that Amy had made an emergency appointment to see a doctor. A spokesman for Amy told the newspaper: “Amy has been diagnosed with impetigo which she’s been told can be highly contagious. Because of that she’s been put on antibiotics and may have to stay home alone for the next few days.”

While “crusty contagious skin infections” and “Amy Winehouse” go together like peas and carrots, impetigo does not cause swelling. It looks like this, or this, but never like this. The only time your jaw should be that swollen is if your face got caught between the toilet seat and the rim of the bowl during a whiskey-puke or if you’re sitting at the head of a table discussing the fates of the five families.