If Keira Knightley gets any skinnier, you’re going to be able to see her kidneys through her skin. I swear, you could paint her yellow and she’d be virtually indistinguishable from a rubber chicken.

At the premiere of “A Dangerous Method” in London last night:

If someone had told me that there were busty girls in string bikinis jumping up and down and spreading their legs in Bochee Ball, I might have actually played it, instead of just yelling that it was a game for faggots and urinating on the green. In hindsight, that may have been a tad premature.

LeAnn Rimes playing Bochee Ball/aerial jumping jacks in Hawaii (10 more pics after the jump):

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Nothing ruins a good bikini picture like a stupid baby. It makes masturbating take twice as long, and as you well know, I don’t have that kind of time. Not while the ancient flowers in the Larunya Mines in Zelda Skyward Sword still beckon.

LeAnn Rimes in Hawaii over the weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Yesterday I said that Leann Rimes’ ass was all flat and sad and Caucasoid, and then today I see these pictures of her in a different bikini. Look, I’m not one to mince words, and I’m not one who won’t own up to mistakes. I was wrong about Leann Rimes’ ass. Plain and simple. It’s just all part of the learning process. Mistakes are how we grow. I know it will take a while for you to trust me again, but with time and healing, I think we can make our way through this.

Leann Rimes and her very not-sad not-flat technically-Caucasoid-but-not-in-the-way-I-meant-it ass in Hawaii

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Mariah Carey made an appearance on Rosie O’Donnell’s soon-to-be-canceled “The Rosie Show” to reveal her incredible seventy pound weight loss since giving birth to twins six months ago. The Daily Mail says:

Arriving in style, being lowered onto the stage on a crescent shaped moon, the songstress proudly showed off her figure in a skin-tight black mini skirt and a cleavage-baring leather jacket.

She went on to reveal that she has dropped an incredible 70lbs over recent months.

Mariah started the strict Jenny diet plan, for which she is now a spokeswoman.

She said: ‘The first week, I lost 40 pounds… of just water. It was just water, initially. But when I started with the program, I lost at least 30 lbs of weight that needed to be lost.’

‘The diet is 90 percent of it,’ she told Rosie.

Hang on… I’m sorry, but since when has “being lowered onto the stage on a crescent shaped moon” been considered the height of “arriving in style?” She looks like a suckling pig on a platter.

Dancing with the Stars’ resident fatass Kirstie Alley claims she’s dropped nearly three dress sizes in the last two months, thanks to a stringent diet and rigorous dance rehearsals. The Daily Mail says:

Kirstie claims that she has dropped from a U.S. size 12 to a size 6.

She recently admitted that her secret to weight loss was to consume just 1,400 calories a day, well below the recommended 2,000 for women.

I’ll admit she looks thinner in these pics, but I have a feeling this “dramatic weight loss” is just the sheer luck of being photographed from the right angle while wearing a pair of industrial-grade Spanx. Those underpants have got to be reinforced with some kind of titatanium alloy/kevlar blend to withstand the pressure of stuffing 200 pounds of ass into a size 6 dress. It’s the same principal behind using buttresses to support load-bearing walls on medieval cathedrals.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Angelina Jolie is here at the Cannes Film Festival promoting Kung Fu Panda 2, and although she is ridiculously beautiful, she is starting to really get that malnourished look to her. You know, where your hands and feet start looking too big for your arms and legs, which take on a twig-like appearance themselves. Combine that with the linear tattoos on her shoulder, and she’s like a poster child for putting a happy spin on an Auschwitz prisoner. Like, Hitler’s PR men told him, “You know, maybe people wouldn’t be so adverse to going to our camps if we took a really beautiful prisoner, dressed her up, and handed her over to a really good makeup artist, and then took pictures of her waving and looking happy, and put her on a poster that said, “Hitler’s Concentration Camps–Where Beautiful People Are Happy”–or something like that”. But we all know there’s nothing funny about concentration camps, so now that I was trying to make a joke about it, you can all hate me now.

There’s something very different about Candice Swanepoel’s print ad (right) and the real Candice Swanepoel (left). It might be the new buttery blond highlights, or it could be that she doesn’t appear to be in the first stages of anorexia-induced kidney failure or suffering from muscle wastage. I guess only her stylist knows for sure!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but the last time I saw someone lose this much weight, there was a vengeful gypsy and a pie-transferable curse involved. Now we just wait for Seth Rogen to start growing scales and Jason Segel to get a wicked case of acne.

I didn’t even know asses could be sharp and pointy. It’s almost like someone replaced Olivia Wilde’s bottom with a goddamn carpenter’s square.

Olivia in the January issue of GQ Italia:

What in the holy hell happened to Megan Fox? She showed up at the Golden Globes looking like she was fresh off a year in a concentration camp. And not just any concentration camp, but a concentration camp where they make you wear a hornet’s nest as a helmet while Ike Turner works out his anger issues on your face. The only way this makes any sense is if Brian Austin Green’s penis is really an evil amulet filled with poison and laxatives.

Wearing the latest in breast-binding rhinestone seatbelts:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

For just pennies a day, you can make sure children like Keira have shoes, clean water, and a chance to go to school. Please, won’t you call today?

In Christian Children’s Fund pamphlet Vogue Italia: