Katie Holmes sported the world’s most unflattering pair of denim shorts on the set of her new straight-to-DVD movie “The Romantics.” Really, I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a severe case of White Man’s Ass. It looks like her buttocks were pounded out using the broad side of a snow shovel.

With “True Blood’s” Anna Paquin yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Sheesh, Miranda Kerr has gotten awfully bony lately! Her new, skinnier figure might be due to an attempt to get into the world of avant garde modeling. Says Daily Mail,

The former Maybelline model - the world’s tenth highest earning model - has been much in demand for the lingerie brand, and for swimwear shoots for magazines such as Sports Illustrated.

But the 26-year-old Australian cut a distinctly emaciated on a fashion shoot for magazine Grazia in Sydney.

From the back she looked virtually unrecognisable as she posed in a tightly laced corset on the rooftop of the Museum of Contemporary Art.

Miranda’s ribs protruded, and her skin was tightly stretched across her bony back. Her thin arms also looked extremely sinewy.

The reason for the Australian’s sudden weight loss is not exactly hard to fathom.

It seems her ambitions to do high fashion modelling were realised earlier this month she made an appearance on the catwalk for Balenciaga, the fashion world’s coolest label right now.
miranda kerr

The model’s girl next door look was erased and she was unrecognisable in straightened slicked back hair and heavy catwalk eye make up.

In case you don’t remember, this is what she used to look like. My daddy always said that wasting curves on a woman was criminal–which I suppose is why he’s in the county jail for being a pimp.

My Dearest Victoria,

Listen up, honey.  You’re wee and maniacal and totally insane and I love it all so much.  I have a long history of inexplicable fondness for your crazy ass so I will not be at all pleased when you drop dead of malnutrition, which will most assuredly happen if you do not EAT SOMETHING.

Look, I get it, okay?  You’re a skinny little bitch.  You always have been, and that’s fine.  You like being all orange leather stretched over sharp angles, and I’m delighted that you’re always so damn pleased with yourself, but you’re looking positively emaciated lately and I AM CONCERNED.  That clavicle; it concerns me.  Also, I’m not positive, but I think I can see your spine through your sternum and that shit just ain’t right.

KNOCK IT OFF.  HAVE A SANDWICH.  DON’T HOLD THE MAYO.

Kisses,
Sarah

Victoria Beckham leaving her hotel in New York today:

Don’t make fun of skinny girl Victoria Beckham! She might attack you with her Clavicle of Doom! Says Now Magazine:

Victoria Beckham is tired of people criticising her about her weight.

The former Spice Girl insists she’s not concerned about her small frame.

‘Of course I eat,’ she says. ‘I’ve been accused of not eating for 10 years. If I hadn’t eaten for 10 years, I’d be hungry…

‘I think there’s a big difference between someone having an eating disorder and someone who is controlled about what they eat.

‘I think I could do with putting on some weight but this is the way I am.’

Victoria admits she finds the jibes distressing.

‘I’m not anorexic or bulimic and I’m not a skeleton,’ she protests. ‘It’s so upsetting. I’m seven and a half stone. I’m very fit and healthy and I feel great.

‘I haven’t changed what I eat. I just feel my metabolism has changed as I’ve got older.’

“If I hadn’t eaten for 10 years, I’d be hungry…”? No, actually, you’d kind of be dead, Einstein. Of course you eat something. I bet she really chows down on some high-calorie watercress sandwiches, (hold the butter, cream cheese and bread). I bet she eats enough to sustain a 3 year-old Ethiopian. Nowadays, she could probably eat circles around Michael Jackson. Madam, you make me ill with your unbridled gluttony. I bid you good day!

When did Renee Zellweger get so fat? I mean, you can’t even see the separation between the ulna and the radius in her forearms. Gross. Time to get your fatass on a treadmill and an enema in your pooper, NeNe! Those pounds aren’t going to just magically disappear on their own, you know!

Arriving to Good Morning America yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Meet little Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay lives in a small North American village known as “Los Angeles,” estranged from her twice-incarcerated alcoholic father and small-time child pimp mother. She is just one of the hundreds of celebrities waiting for a sponsor like you. For less than $600 a day, you can give her a chance to escape impending bankruptcy by providing her with some of life’s basic needs* — cocaine, semen, and imported vodka. Won’t you call today?

_{*No goats or chickens, please.}

Celebrating her birthday a week early in Vegas:

Hi guys, it’s Sarah today.  There’s really nothing going on except for more of the same crap about Jon & Kate and Miss Homophobic California, and I would imagine you guys are at least as sick and tired of those people and their boring bullshit as I am.  So let’s take a minute to talk about Victoria Beckham and wtf she was wearing to fly into Heathrow, shall we?

God, I love how crazy Posh is.  I love how she looks like an orange android and dresses like she’s from a 1992 music video set 180 years in the future.  Normal people wear pajamas on airplanes, or maybe some yoga pants if they’re feeling fancy.  Posh?  Yeah, she’s dressed like what would happen if Elton John designed a militaristic Barbie doll for some kind of “support the troops” charity and then some Weird Science shit happened and it came to life.  Only angrier.  I love it all.  Also, I suspect at least one of her boys is folded up and packed neatly away in that ginormous bag.  I mean c’mon, Cruz would fit in there for sure, at least.

The only thing I’m not loving right now is how skinny she’s looking.  She’s always been wee because everybody knows she only believes in, like, Diet Coke and salad… but she’s starting to look a little rickety, especially around the wrists and collarbone.  Eat a sandwich, Posh.  Hell, even a Lean Cuisine.  Eat something.  You can’t waste away and leave me without the sparkle of your insanity to brighten my days, you heartless monster!

Arriving in London:

Tori Spelling has repeatedly denied that she suffers from an eating disorder, but it’s pretty apparent from these pictures that she’s a full-blown anorexic. For Chrissakes, look at her arms. Gross. I’ve seen starving horses pulled out of makeshift barns on “Animal Precinct” that didn’t look that disgusting.

Leaving Mr. Chow’s with husband Dean:

In even more pill-popping news, it’s being reported that Lindsay Lohan’s drastic weight loss comes courtesy of a prescription for the ADHD drug Adderall. According to Us Weekly

Lohan takes Adderall, a prescription drug usually given to people for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, to lose weight.

“She takes Adderall all the time,” one source told Us. “She gets jittery because of the way the pills affect her. It’s a major reason why she’s losing weight.”

And that’s not the only drug in her repertoire — sources say she’s still hooked on the white stuff. You know — the “throat candy.” “Man butter.” “Jizz.” Unfortunately, with semen’s current legal standing in the United States, it’s going to be damn near impossible to wean her off the stuff. Now we just wait for the inevitable moment when she asphyxiates taking two cocks at once and her addiction will tragically cum come full circle.

At the teen.com premiere of Haute and Bothered with sister Ali:

Remember how hot Czech model Eva Herzigova looked in her famous “Hello, Boys” Wonderbra campaign back in the day? Not so much the case now. It’s like the stand-in for that prostitute Charlize Theron played in “Monster” was implanted with a xylophone and left in the oven on “broil” for too long. I don’t know whether I want to offer her a couple of rocks for a little Greek action or just tap out “Mary Had a Little Lamb” on her sternum.

Vacationing with boyfriend Gregorio in the Caribbean:

Wah wah wah, Tori Spelling is moaning about how she feels pressured to be thin in Hollywood. Last time I checked, she didn’t have a flourishing career, so if she really wanted to, she could get the hell out of the public eye, move away from Hollywood, and fatten up, little filly. She told US Magazine at the Pull-Ups Potty Dance Party in NYC (I kid you not),

“You’re out there; your picture is in every magazine. They’re looking at you from every angle, no matter what you do,” she added. “You have to be careful getting out of cars now because they shoot up your skirt. Everything has to look good, and of course, there’s pressure to do so. I definitely feel it.”

Spelling — who has two kids, Stella, 8 months, and Liam, 23 months — said losing her baby weight “was much easier the second time. I keep saying this, but it’s true.

“I think the first time I was so stressed and knew I had to lose it. This time I did it with my family,” added the star, who credited a healthy diet and jogging with helping her shed pounds. “I didn’t do a super diet fad or a workout routine. I literally did everything with my kids and my husband. Before I knew it, [the weight] came off.”

Guess what, Bonejangles? You better start eating some oats and mash and fatten up, or it’s off to the glue factory for you.

At a Christian Siriano fashion show–the security guard wouldn’t let her in at first until the PR people told him that she had been invited. Ouch! And my point exactly.

Tom Cruise and wife Model #4773A Katie Holmes are in Brazil this week for the premiere of Tom’s movie Valkyrie, and I’m sure you noticed that there’s something different about them. Namely, that Tom looks like he was irradiated by the detonation of a gamma bomb and Katie looks like she should be hunched over a bowl of gruel with flies in the corners of her eyes. Must be something in the water.

At the premiere of Valkyrie: