What in the holy hell happened to Megan Fox? She showed up at the Golden Globes looking like she was fresh off a year in a concentration camp. And not just any concentration camp, but a concentration camp where they make you wear a hornet’s nest as a helmet while Ike Turner works out his anger issues on your face. The only way this makes any sense is if Brian Austin Green’s penis is really an evil amulet filled with poison and laxatives.

Wearing the latest in breast-binding rhinestone seatbelts:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

For just pennies a day, you can make sure children like Keira have shoes, clean water, and a chance to go to school. Please, won’t you call today?

In Christian Children’s Fund pamphlet Vogue Italia:

Further reinforcing that crap is king, the Twilight saga was the big winner at last night’s People Choice Awards. Apparently, all the “people” who “chose” the winners of these awards were under fifteen and had ovaries. People Magazine says:

The latest installment in the [Twilight] series, Eclipse, picked up four awards, including favorite movie, surpassing nominees including The Social Network and Inception.

It also won favorite drama movie and favorite on-screen team, and star Kristen Stewart beat out Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston for favorite movie actress as Bella Swan.

Adam Sandler won for favorite comedic star, while his hit flick Grown Ups was favorite comedic movie.

Eminem [snagged 3 awards], the most in the music category.

The big news of the night, though, was not the stunning lack of A-listers or Raven-Symone’s drastic weight loss or Ashley Tisdale’s Chernobyl skin — it was Khloe Kardashian’s new red hair. At least according to People Magazine:

Khloe Kardashian stole the spotlight from her sisters at last night’s People’s Choice Awards, debuting newly dyed red hair that set her apart from her raven-haired siblings. “I love it! It’s fun!” Khloe [said]. “I wanted to stand out for a little bit.”

Being a lumbering Sasquatch already made her stand out from her sisters plenty. She didn’t need any help making herself visible in a crowd. Hell, that Where’s Waldo guy blends into large groups better than this bitch does, and he only has half the back fat.

The Kardashians holding their Favorite TV Guilty Pleasure award, plus Raven-Symone, Selena Gomez, Emma Roberts and Ashley Tisdale:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

There have been rumors going around for a while now that Angelina Jolie is suffering from anorexia, but I don’t believe it. I know for a fact she eats. Albeit mostly human brains and the occasional clump of dirt that winds up in her mouth when she’s clawing her way out of a grave, but still. Calories are calories, am I right?

In Paris yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

This must be one of those elves that didn’t make it to Valinor. I bet they left her at Grey Havens and then laughed and high-fived each other as they sailed away to the Undying Lands.

Ashlee Simpson at the Decade of Denim:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Boy, Zorak has done quite well for himself since “Space Ghost Coast to Coast” was canceled. He looks absolutely fetching as a blonde!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The last time I saw a body like that, it was hanging on a cross. Absolutely no disrespect intended, but that’s how most artists like to depict Christ. All long-torsoed and bony, although I’d expect Russell Brand to be sporting a pair of horns and cloven hooves rather than a halo.   He’s always given me the heebs. I have no idea how he’s been so popular with the ladies (fame does wonders for you, I guess). His peen must have a fully functioning colony living on it by now.  Katy Perry can have him. I wouldn’t touch him with Lady Gaga’s dick.

On the set in NYC on the set of Arthur:

If you ever wanted to know what an old, broken-down horse looks like on its way to the glue factory, look no further than Tori Spelling’s face.  She makes me want to go drink that bottle of Jack that’s in the fridge. That is, if I hadn’t already had it in my Wheaties. If I hadn’t, I would totally drink it down and get shit-faced and cry and have a mock-burial with some Elmer’s School Glue. Poor horsey never had a chance. I guess I’ll have to console myself that’s she’s at Rainbow Bridge now. Dammit, that poem always makes me blubber. Where the HELL is my Jack?

In Beverly Hills (I guess that’s where the designer glue gets made):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

What the hell is going on with Sarah Jessica Parker’s hands? I’ve seen roosters and velociraptors with less frightening talons. I think it’s pretty obvious that an old fakir put a spell on it to punish those who dare to interfere with fate. Don’t ask it to grant your wishes, it’s a trick!

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

50 Cent dropped over fifty pounds for his upcoming role in some new movie I’ll never see and can’t be bothered to look up, so I’m just going to say it’s obviously a movie about the HIV epidemic in sub-Saharan Africa. Just look at him. He looks like he should be squatting over a goat carcass with a bone through his nose, explaining the “bad blood virgin cure” to the nine-year old he’s about to rape. They’ll call it “Somalia,” and the tag line will read, “Because 10,000 pirates can’t be wrong!” Fin.

If you didn’t think Sarah Jessica Parker could look any more repulsive than she did last week, you’ve grossly underestimated her hideousness. And speaking of hideousness, if you’re wondering why it is you can see every vein and sinew in her arm in the above photo, it’s because she’s topping the scales at a whopping ninety pounds. The Daily Mail says

The 45-year-old’s usually toned arms [have been] replaced by sinewy arms and bulging veins.

Friends are claiming she has become ‘obsessed’ with dieting and gym, leading her to drop even more pounds. “It’s normal for her to be at the gym for two hours every day as well as going for five-mile runs,” [said one source]. “And she’s eating as leanly as humanly possible.”

The 5ft 3in star is said to have dropped from [105 lbs] to [91lbs], meaning she has a BMI of just 16.1. [The minimum healthy range is 18.5].

If I saw something like that coming at me down the street, you’d better believe I’d grab a tire iron and whale on it like I was pounding a fucking tent post into the ground. I wouldn’t quit laying into it until it stopped twitching, and even then, I’d still jab it the eye with a stick a few times to make sure it was really dead. You never know when a zombie might attack. Hit first, ask questions later — that’s always always been my motto. Unless you’re black or an attractive female taking a shower, in which every horror movie ever made says you’re totally fucked no matter what you do. Sorry, but those are the rules.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Lindsay Lohan hasn’t had a real job since “Labor Pains” went straight to DVD two years ago, but it hasn’t stopped her from spending money like a drunken sailor on shore leave. According to Radar Online

“Lindsay owes credit cards $600,000,” a source [revealed]. “One card cut her off last week and it’s only a matter of time before all her other credit cards cut her off too.”

Lohan used to make a good chunk of change by doing club appearances, but the invites are becoming sparse and the starlet gets only from $5,000 to $10,000 at most.

“One credit card company is going to discuss a payment plan for Lindsay,” the source continued. “But if she doesn’t have the income and can’t make her payments, they are prepared to sue her.”

Fortunately, she can always fall back on mass-releasing a sex tape. It’s Lindsay’s financial ace in the hole, as it were. The real fun will be seeing just how many “aces” wind up in her “hole” once the video finally hits the internet.

At Coachella with her ratty-ass sister Ali:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News