It’s no secret that I hate teenagers with a passion usually reserved for ethnic minorities and the New York Yankees. I hate their stupid text speak and their stupid acne-riddled faces. I hate their stupid Twilight franchise. I hate their impenetrable unawareness of what insufferable douchebags they are. So by all accounts, I should hate country singer Taylor Swift… but I don’t. In a world of egotistical oversexed Miley Cyruses and Britney Spearses, she remains humble, self-effacing, down-to-earth, and wholesomely cute. I can’t find anything bad to say about her. Trying to make fun of her is like trying to make fun of a burn victim with Down’s Syndrome. Not to say it can’t be done, but it really doesn’t feel all that great while you’re doing it. Sorta like having sex with an Asian dude.
Long-gone are the days of matching dress shirts and Sears family portraits — Jon Gosselin is whining to anybody who’ll listen that his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is preventing him from seeing twins Cara and Maddy on their 9th birthday. According to the NY Daily News
Jon claims she wrote an email to [him] saying, “Due to recent events, it will be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here as planned. I would like to split the evening so they can see us both.”
“She’s trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn’t want to see me,” the dad claimed. “She can’t tell me what to do. I’m not going to allow it. I’m just going to stay. I own the house so I can do what I want.”
As for how he will behave once inside the family’s $1 million home, Jon said he will act like “my old self, as an avoider and passive.”
Did you get that? He’s an “avoider” and “passive.” Ah, the comfort of the psychobabble label! Is there any warmer a teat at which to suckle away any sense of personal responsibility for one’s actions? No, seriously. I’m really asking. God knows the tequila I’ve been nursing for the last six years sure isn’t doing me any favors.
Kate making fun of her controlling mommy image on Jay Leno last night:
Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly hate Madonna and Lady Gaga any more than you do right now, they go and do something like this:
Madonna and Lady Gaga continued their catfight from “Saturday Night Live” well into Sunday — they got into a one-on-one dance-off at SoHo hot spot Submercer at a Sunday night birthday party for Madge’s manager. “[The DJ was] alternating their songs ‘Holiday’ and ‘Poker Face,’ and then they both started going at it,” says an onlooker. “Madonna seemed to be the winner. People were going wild.”
There’s not any video of the real dance-off, but just imagine two shemales in S&M attire vogue-ing and thrusting like they’ve got tardive dyskinesia and you’ve pretty much covered it. It’s like my Dad always said — “it’s not really a birthday party unless a tranny pulls a groin muscle.” Of course, “until a little kid throws up from crying so hard” seemed to suffice until I went away to college. Asshole.
Lady Gaga looking more beautiful than she ever looked in her life this past summer:
I dare you to find something unfunnier than Madonna and Lady Gaga’s Saturday Night Live skit. Other than my last ten posts, I mean. That’s not really even trying.
UPDATE: Now with equally unfunny screen cap action!
SNL’s newest cast member Jenny Slate inadvertently dropped the F-bomb on the Megan Fox- hosted season opener of the show Saturday night. The NY Daily News says
Rookie Jenny Slate let slip the mother of all swear words in a skit in the season debut.
Slate was doing a biker chick talk-show skit with co-star Kristen Wiig when the curse word fell. “You know what? You freakin’ just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head,” Slate told Wiig.
Then she got a little too in character, adding; “You know what? You stood up for yourself, and I f—– love you for that.”
Producers replaced Slate’s mistake with “freakin’” for West Coast airings.
And that, sadly, was the most interesting moment of the entire show, which ranked between “seventh circle of hell” and “hemorrhoid surgery” on the watchability scale. A position only ever previously held by “George Lopez” and “The XFL!”
A sketch with the comedic stylings of Brian Austin Green, plus Megan’s monologue after the jump:
