It’s all sour Scientology grapes at the Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise funny farm. Xenu doesn’t have a sense of humor and so has commanded them not to attend this year’s Oscars because Anne Hathaway made fun of minion Katie. Says Huffington Post,

Anne Hathaway’s ‘SNL’ impression of Katie Holmes was so good that it may actually keep Holmes and husband Tom Cruise away from the Academy Awards this year, The Daily Mail reports.

Hathaway, this year’s Oscars co-host with James Franco, spoofed Holmes in a November episode of ‘Saturday Night Live,’ playing a gaspy, “complex,” and confused version of the former ‘Dawson’s Creek’ star. Apparently, it was either so insulting — or so spot on — that Holmes and Cruise are enraged enough to boycott the show, unwilling to run into Hathaway.

The Daily Mail quotes a source saying that Holmes and Cruise felt betrayed by the nationally televised impression, given what they considered a solid friendship with the ‘Love and Other Drugs’ star. When Hathaway broke up with boyfriend Raffaello Follieri in 2008, Cruise and Holmes took Hathaway to a Tina Turner concert, the ultimate salve.

“Katie feels they were really supportive at a difficult time so she feels let down that Anne took to national TV to make fun of her,” the source told the paper.

Shortly after the show, Hathaway defended the impression, saying that she didn’t mean to make fun of Holmes herself.

“I was a teenager when ‘Dawson’s Creek’ was airing, and I was a pretty avid fan, so it just sort of came from that,” Anne told The Hollywood Reporter (via Access Hollywood). “It wasn’t really Katie Holmes; it was more [her 'Creek' character] Joey Potter.”

Everybody already thinks of Katie as an uptight robot-twat (RoboTwat?) so she could have done herself a favor and laughed it off in good humor. But instead she and shorty have to go take their toys and leave the sandbox in a huff.

UPDATE: Popeater exclusively reports that “…a spokesperson for Cruise tells PopEater that it is “not true and made up” and that the famous pair had no plans of attending the Oscars before Hathaway’s somewhat unflattering skit.” Uh-huh, sure. Did they add a “Nanny-nanny boo-boo” to that?

The offending skit (skip to the 2:20 mark for Anne Hathaway’s performance):

It was Mother’s Day this past Sunday, and I hope all of you took the time to thank your mothers for wiping your ass for the first three (or in my case, seven) years of your life, and for suffering through every last one of your lame-ass middle-school band concerts, and for letting you ravage her once-intact birth canal and turn it into raw hamburger with bladder control issues. Trust me, being a mom is a lot harder than it looks. A little bit of you dies every time you sit through Sesame Street on Ice or have to construct a diorama of the African Serengeti using uncooked pasta and glitter glue. So to those of you with scars on your feet where Legos and plastic army men embedded themselves in your heels, I salute you. In honor of mothers everywhere, here’s Betty White on this weekend’s SNL. Enjoy.

See what motherhood has done to Christina Aguilera here, one more Debbie Downer skit after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Tiger Woods hasn’t been seen since publicly since his Thanksgiving night accident, but not because of an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment — it’s because wife Elin Nordegren went and busted out all his fronts before he drove his car into a tree. Star Magazine says

“Elin confronted him about texting Rachel [Uchitel] and flew into a rage,” a source close to Tiger tells Star. “She apparently threw the phone at his mouth and broke one of his teeth.”

The incident didn’t stop with the dental damage, either.

Elin then grabbed a golf club and chased him around the house, doing tens of thousands of dollars in damage,” the source continues. “He ran out to the car barefoot to get away from her and was in such a state of panic that he crashed.”

Another insider confirms Tiger’s tooth trauma,” Elin went psycho that night. He couldn’t make an appearance in public after that. He was scared for his life.”

Well, to be fair, his teeth take up about 70% of his entire goddamn face, so it’d be hard not to hit him square in incisors when throwing something at his head. You’d have a harder time not hitting one of his 500 chompers than you would breaking out a couple with your cell phone.

And now, for a remarkably accurate reenactment of events:

It’s no secret that I hate teenagers with a passion usually reserved for ethnic minorities and the New York Yankees. I hate their stupid text speak and their stupid acne-riddled faces. I hate their stupid Twilight franchise. I hate their impenetrable unawareness of what insufferable douchebags they are. So by all accounts, I should hate country singer Taylor Swift… but I don’t. In a world of egotistical oversexed Miley Cyruses and Britney Spearses, she remains humble, self-effacing, down-to-earth, and wholesomely cute. I can’t find anything bad to say about her. Trying to make fun of her is like trying to make fun of a burn victim with Down’s Syndrome. Not to say it can’t be done, but it really doesn’t feel all that great while you’re doing it. Sorta like having sex with an Asian dude.

Taylor as Kate Gosselin:

Long-gone are the days of matching dress shirts and Sears family portraits — Jon Gosselin is whining to anybody who’ll listen that his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is preventing him from seeing twins Cara and Maddy on their 9th birthday. According to the NY Daily News

Jon claims she wrote an email to [him] saying, “Due to recent events, it will be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here as planned. I would like to split the evening so they can see us both.”

“She’s trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn’t want to see me,” the dad claimed. “She can’t tell me what to do. I’m not going to allow it. I’m just going to stay. I own the house so I can do what I want.”

As for how he will behave once inside the family’s $1 million home, Jon said he will act like “my old self, as an avoider and passive.”

Did you get that? He’s an “avoider” and “passive.” Ah, the comfort of the psychobabble label! Is there any warmer a teat at which to suckle away any sense of personal responsibility for one’s actions? No, seriously. I’m really asking. God knows the tequila I’ve been nursing for the last six years sure isn’t doing me any favors.

Kate making fun of her controlling mommy image on Jay Leno last night:

Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly hate Madonna and Lady Gaga any more than you do right now, they go and do something like this:

Madonna and Lady Gaga continued their catfight from “Saturday Night Live” well into Sunday — they got into a one-on-one dance-off at SoHo hot spot Submercer at a Sunday night birthday party for Madge’s manager. “[The DJ was] alternating their songs ‘Holiday’ and ‘Poker Face,’ and then they both started going at it,” says an onlooker. “Madonna seemed to be the winner. People were going wild.”

There’s not any video of the real dance-off, but just imagine two shemales in S&M attire vogue-ing and thrusting like they’ve got tardive dyskinesia and you’ve pretty much covered it. It’s like my Dad always said — “it’s not really a birthday party unless a tranny pulls a groin muscle.” Of course, “until a little kid throws up from crying so hard” seemed to suffice until I went away to college. Asshole.

Lady Gaga looking more beautiful than she ever looked in her life this past summer:

I dare you to find something unfunnier than Madonna and Lady Gaga’s Saturday Night Live skit. Other than my last ten posts, I mean. That’s not really even trying.

UPDATE: Now with equally unfunny screen cap action!

SNL’s newest cast member Jenny Slate inadvertently dropped the F-bomb on the Megan Fox- hosted season opener of the show Saturday night. The NY Daily News says

Rookie Jenny Slate let slip the mother of all swear words in a skit in the season debut.

Slate was doing a biker chick talk-show skit with co-star Kristen Wiig when the curse word fell. “You know what? You freakin’ just threw an ashtray full of butts at my head,” Slate told Wiig.

Then she got a little too in character, adding; “You know what? You stood up for yourself, and I f—– love you for that.”

Producers replaced Slate’s mistake with “freakin’” for West Coast airings.

And that, sadly, was the most interesting moment of the entire show, which ranked between “seventh circle of hell” and “hemorrhoid surgery” on the watchability scale. A position only ever previously held by “George Lopez” and “The XFL!”

A sketch with the comedic stylings of Brian Austin Green, plus Megan’s monologue after the jump:

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