You gave them the gift of life. Instilled their sense of adventure, fostered their imagination, comforted them when they were afraid. And you still give your children the very best. Which is why you take this opportunity to give them the gift of a life-long nicotine addiction. Marlboro® brand cigarettes, with a light taste and velvety texture — one puff is never enough! For a new generation of smokers. Choosy moms choose Marlboro.®

Britney Spears giving the gift that keeps on hacking giving:

Well, at least he isn’t wearing his asbestos hat again.

It turns out that singer Amy Winehouse’s little bout of “impetigo” is really a case of public self-harming gone infected. Yum, yum! The Sun claims that Amy was smoking in a London restaurant when the trouble began:

The star was asked three times to put out her Marlboro Light because of the smoking ban. As she received her final warning, Amy stared straight into the waitress’s eyes and pushed the burning tip of the fag into her own face. A source at the diner said: “She hardly flinched because she was so high. The whole place was open-mouthed in horror.”

Amy tried to conceal the wound with foundation — but it has now apparently become infected, causing the swelling on her cheek.

Well, that sure showed those socialist restaurateur puppets who was boss. Really, the only way Amy could have owned them any more is if she cut out her own liver and made them eat it right there at the table. Take that, commies! Way to stick it to the man. Rosa Parks and Nelson Mandela could really learn a thing or two from Amy Winehouse.