It’s no secret that I hate teenagers with a passion usually reserved for ethnic minorities and the New York Yankees. I hate their stupid text speak and their stupid acne-riddled faces. I hate their stupid Twilight franchise. I hate their impenetrable unawareness of what insufferable douchebags they are. So by all accounts, I should hate country singer Taylor Swift… but I don’t. In a world of egotistical oversexed Miley Cyruses and Britney Spearses, she remains humble, self-effacing, down-to-earth, and wholesomely cute. I can’t find anything bad to say about her. Trying to make fun of her is like trying to make fun of a burn victim with Down’s Syndrome. Not to say it can’t be done, but it really doesn’t feel all that great while you’re doing it. Sorta like having sex with an Asian dude.
Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly hate Madonna and Lady Gaga any more than you do right now, they go and do something like this:
Madonna and Lady Gaga continued their catfight from “Saturday Night Live” well into Sunday — they got into a one-on-one dance-off at SoHo hot spot Submercer at a Sunday night birthday party for Madge’s manager. “[The DJ was] alternating their songs ‘Holiday’ and ‘Poker Face,’ and then they both started going at it,” says an onlooker. “Madonna seemed to be the winner. People were going wild.”
There’s not any video of the real dance-off, but just imagine two shemales in S&M attire vogue-ing and thrusting like they’ve got tardive dyskinesia and you’ve pretty much covered it. It’s like my Dad always said — “it’s not really a birthday party unless a tranny pulls a groin muscle.” Of course, “until a little kid throws up from crying so hard” seemed to suffice until I went away to college. Asshole.
Lady Gaga looking more beautiful than she ever looked in her life this past summer:
I dare you to find something unfunnier than Madonna and Lady Gaga’s Saturday Night Live skit. Other than my last ten posts, I mean. That’s not really even trying.
UPDATE: Now with equally unfunny screen cap action!
You know how I always said that Megan Fox should shut her damn trap already and just stuff a sandwich in that stupid cock-holster of hers? Um, I just changed my mind. Gross.
Filming a SNL promo (video of which you can watch after the jump) with Andy Samberg:
EVENING UPDATE: Sad news, guys. Patrick Swayze died today at age 57, after a nearly two year fight with pancreatic cancer. From People:
“Patrick Swayze passed away peacefully today with family at his side after facing the challenges of his illness for the last 20 months,” his rep tells PEOPLE in a statement.
A gifted dancer, a rugged outdoorsman, a romantic leading man and a loving husband, Swayze was also, as his brother Don put it, “a warrior” in his cancer fight.
Patrick Swayze was the son of a choreographer and he trained at the Joffrey Ballet School, he performed on Broadway, he appeared in over 30 feature films, he met his wife when he was 19 and she was 15 and they were together for nearly 40 years, he flew his own planes, he owned and operated a ranch outside of Los Angeles, and he starred in a television series whilst undergoing chemotherapy for one of the most painful forms of cancer. He is possibly most famous for his roles in Dirty Dancing and Ghost, but let’s get serious here. His real legacy is as follows:
It pains me to say this, but like a sprout of innocuous skin tags on the backside of an elbow, Justin Timberlake is slowly and inexorably growing on me. Maybe it’s just the Andy Samberg effect. Maybe it’s that Justin’s self-deprecation is kind of endearing. Or maybe it’s just that he’s actually… funny. We may never really know. Anyway, if you enjoyed last year’s “Dick in a Box,” prepare to be wowed by “Mother Lover.” You’re welcome.
Industry insiders have long known that the only way way to make Zac Efron tolerable is to juxtapose him against a force even more grating and douche-tastic than the entire High School Musical franchise.
Until yesterday, it was believed that such a force did not exist.
And then Kathie Lee burst onto the scene like a warm splash of Summer’s Eve on a dark and yeasty night, curlers in her hair and a photo of Cody clutched in her hand. Miracles do happen, my friends. Miracles do happen.
Justin Timberlake made another guest appearance on this weekend’s latest Andy Samberg digital short masterpiece, “Jizz in My Pants.” I can’t think of anything more befitting for Timberlake, considering what a gigantic cumstain he is. You’re sleeping in the wet spot tonight, bitches!
Singer Justin Timberlake teamed up with Andy Samberg as Beyonce’s back-up dancer on this weekend’s Saturday Night Live. This goes against everything I believe in, but just watch the sketch. I promise you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Not by Justin’s heels and leotard, which I expect is pretty much the standard when he’s off camera, but by his performance. Justin was actually sorta… funny. I don’t know what to make of it. It’s like that time when I was eight and I found out where babies came from. It just seems wrong. Perverse, even. Or that time I learned that there were more white people on welfare than black people. Statistically speaking, impossible. But then you find yourself starting to crack a smile, maybe even a little laugh or two. I honestly couldn’t have been more surprised if he pulled up his skirt and revealed that “Justin” was actually the clever masquerading of two midgets stacked on top of each other like in old-timey cartoons.
In case you missed it, Saturday Night Live is airing special Thursday night episodes until Election Day so that Tina Fey can get as much mileage out of Sarah Palin as humanly possible. Last night’s highlight was a sketch that reunited Will Ferrell as George Bush with Tina Fey (of course, as Sarah Palin). Boy, it’s a good thing the Oval Office is a “bummer-free” zone, because MSNBC says
Before [today's] open, the Dow Jones industrial average futures fell the maximum allowed limit… [and] triggered “circuit breakers” that automatically [froze] selling until the market’s 9:30 a.m. open. The Standard & Poor’s 500 index futures index was also down the maximum allowed 60 points to 855.20, and the Nasdaq 100 index futures was down the maximum allowed 85.00 at 1,175.75.
For those of you who invest in Pick Three and Aces High, congratulations. You just schooled Wall Street and the global economy in one swift scratch-off. For the rest of us, the only way this shit could be any more depressing is if it were somehow superimposed onto Bambi’s mother.
October 18th’s Saturday Night Live had ratings not seen since the night that Olympic medalist Nancy Kerrigan hosted fourteen years ago, thanks to Alaskan governor and Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin’s “surprise” appearance. Yup, the real Sarah Palin. The one that kills moose and plays the flute in a french-cut bathing suit. She showed up in the opening sketch, along with trying-to-undo-the-crybaby-bitch-imageMarky Mark, and then sat in on the evening news while Amy Poehler performed an impressive Sarah Palin-themed rap. Sarah’s husband Todd also made an impromptu appearance during the rap segment, accompanied by fake snow and a man in a moose costume. I kept waiting for her and Tina Fey to strip down to bikinis and oil wrestle or challenge each other to a topless jump rope-off, but no dice. I guess that might have been a little too “politically charged” for the McCain ticket. Leave it to the Republicans to just want to play it safe!
