This is supposedly a picture of “Jersey Shore’s” Snooki without makeup, meaning underneath all that slap, Nicole Polizzi is actually a Pacific Islander. You can tell by the shape of the eyes and the mustache.

Getting her herr did earlier this month:

Mexican he-she who’ll suck your dick for five dollars, or Jersey Shore’s Snooki? It’s alright — take your time. Even her own mother wasn’t sure.

At Harrah’s Resort in Atlantic City last Friday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I bet you looked at the above picture of Snooki and thought to yourself, “Well, she looks like something that escaped the carnival’s red light district, but she’s still missing that certain dirty slut je ne sais quoi.” Problem solved — a giant crown tattoo with a Hello Kitty bow underneath. Now she’s truly come into her own as a skank! Radar Online says:

Jersey Shore star Snooki recently got a new tattoo, which she revealed on Twitter over the weekend..

“My tattoo hurts = Kwel,” Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi tweeted last Wednesday, days after she told her Twitter followers that she was “Thinken about getting a tattoo in Vegas.”

Her new body art is a creative and rather large image of a crown with a pink bow underneath.

Like the ritualistic markings of the tribesman of Papaua New Guinea or the erastes-eromenos relationship established for coming of age ancient Greek males, a shitty tattoo is a right of passage that signifies a skank’s entrance into true whoredom. Now all she needs is a second trimester abortion and a sex tape and her descent into that social hierarchy will be complete.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jersey Shore’s Snooki was taken into police custody in Florence yesterday after she plowed into the back of a police car while filming the third season of the show in Italy. TMZ says:

Snooki was driving when she struck the cop car, but sources connected with the production [say] “Zero alcohol was involved” [and] no one was injured.

Snooki smacked into the back of the patrol car, wedging her ride between the car and a highway protection wall. Deena was in the passenger seat at the time of the crash — and when she tried to exit the car, she had to go through the window because the door was blocked by the wall.

Although Snooki is in custody … it is not a formal arrest.

Hey, you know who’s NOT fat, disgusting, and waddling around Italy in a neck brace? Jessica Lowndes. And as it happens, she’s in this month’s FHM UK. You’re welcome.

I thought Snooki’s only talents were being a grenade and swallowing, but it seems she’s also got a flair for gymnastics. The Daily Mail says:

Snooki came in victorious at the WWE WrestleMania XXVII [on Sunday when she] defeated LayCool in front of a sold-out crowd at the Georgia Dome in Atlanta.

She unleashed back flips, body slams and gave LayCool a butt slam leaving her knocked out on the mat.

But here’s the clincher, folks:

Snooki, real name Nicole Polizzi, is now commanding more for an appearance fee than a Nobel prize-winning author.

Rutgers University paid the bubbly character $32,000 to speak at the college, which is $2,000 more than it is paying Toni Morrison.

An institution of higher learning paid Snooki thirty-two grand to talk midget airtighting and Greg Schiano two million to lose six straight games last season. If they get creative with their funding and maybe cut a couple of academic programs, I bet they could even afford Rebecca Black and Tyrone Willingham next year!

When you live in a little bubble created by the fantasy world of reality TV, you tend to lose your bearings on how things actually are. Case in point: Snooki is all confused as to why anyone wouldn’t think she’s the best thing since spaghetti and meatballs. Shocking! Says Digital Spy,

Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi has confessed that she is confused by comments made by Ne-Yo regarding her recent Rolling Stone cover shoot.

Posting on his Twitter page earlier this week, the ‘Miss Independent’ singer criticised the Jersey Shore star’s appearance on the publication’s cover, writing: “Wow. Snooki is on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. Really? I quit. (Just kidding, but almost serious.)”

Snooki has since struck back at Ne-Yo, telling US Weekly: “I was just really upset. I’m a big fan of Ne-Yo. Every song was on my iPod and I deleted them yesterday just because of his comments.

“Why do you hate me? I’m the nicest person ever. I understand you are a little mad ‘cos your career is not up right now and I’m on the cover but you know what – I’m a nice person and I deserve it, so get over it.”

Ne-Yo later told E News that he believes his initial response was correct.

“I don’t know her so I can’t disrespect her, but I feel like Rolling Stone is a music magazine,” he explained.

“And for them to put her on the cover, it’s like, ‘Really?’”

The last time I saw a little piggy so enthralled with itself, it had just gotten a buttermilk bath in preparation to be taken to the county fair. I’m not sure exactly how that connects to Snooki’s comments, but it sounded good and I’m hoping in her case that it ends with a change of plans and a trip to the slaughterhouse instead of a “Best in Show” ribbon. E.B. White has nothing on my storytelling skills.

Hosting a pool party in Vegas:

I hope anyone who actually buys Rolling Stone magazine anymore has the decency to ask someone to kick their balls all the way up into their throats. Says the offending magazine,

Polizzi says that she always watches Jersey Shore, but she rarely likes what she sees. “If I do something stupid, which is pretty much the whole time, I hate it,” she says. “I just hate it. Obviously, they’re only going to put the good stuff in, and the good stuff is us drunk, so all I’m seeing is me drunk and falling down. That’s how I am when I party, but some of the stuff I do is, like, ‘Really, Nicole?’ I look like a freakin’ alcoholic. I’m like, ‘You’re sweating, your makeup is running, you look gross.’ I just look like shit.”

Polizzi has big plans for her future. “When Jersey Shore ends I’m going to do more spinoffs,” she says. “If MTV doesn’t want them, another network will be, like, ‘What does Snooki do now?’ or ‘Snooki’s getting married!’ What I’d like is to turn out like Jessica Simpson, with her whole brand. She makes millions…I’m trying to build an empire, because after this I can’t get a normal job. I mean, how do I go and sit behind a desk?”

Yeah, after getting paid to sit around on your fat ass and get drunk, why in the world would you want to go get a job where you had to, you know, work? It’s kind of like those people who live their lives on welfare, really. The only real difference is I don’t have to see Snooki shuffling around the grocery store in her slippers on the first of the month to cash her check.

Arriving at Live with Regis and Kelly in February:

Where have I seen Snooki’s ugly mug before? It reminds me of someone…someone who thought too much of herself and thought her squat, stubby body wrapped in tight clothes was sexy too. I have it! She’s like Miss Piggy’s dark cousin. Don’t believe me? Just put a pig nose on her and the resemblance is striking! I bet Snooki likes having a hand up her backside, too.

The sewer rats have some competition for “Most Lothed Occupant” as Snooki invades New York City with her smarmy new boyfriend. I think the rats should stage an uprising to win back their long-held title and take bites out of her until she’s skinny. I’d suggest they also take multiple craps in her hair. While they’re at it and all.

Scurrying along the sidewalks:

Photo Source: Fame Pictures

What the overly-tanned hell is this? At first glance I thought this was Joan Collins caught in dark lighting or something. But it turns out to be Snooki looking like a goddammed Disney villain. I can only hope that develops hemophilia and pricks her finger on a stray thorn in that bouquet and bleeds to death. I’ve never even seen that show and I detest her. Can you imagine how much more I would hate her if I did? Coming back to the Joan Collins thing, I’d like to suggest a new show for her: Die-Nasty.

Her Royal Stumpiness at David Letterman (bet she bought herself the roses):

Hi guys, it’s Sonya again for today, but Abby will be back tomorrow. The MTV Movie Awards were last night, but if you’re like me, I refuse to watch an award show where New Moon wins anything besides a steaming pile of crap. So, the big news was that Sandra Bullock kissed Scarlett Johansson, Mark Wahlberg humped Will Ferrell as they were suspended in harnesses, and Tom Cruise reprised his Les Grossman role from Tropic Thunder while dancing with Beyonce. It’s kind of nice to see him taking himself a little less seriously, but he’s still a creepy midget nutjob, and his “funny” falls kind of flat.  But all I really care about is what everyone was wearing, so down with Xenu and let’s check out the clothes.

100 crows had to die for Christina Aguilera to look this good bad:

Jessica Biel got a few of her leftovers:

(more…)

Looks like MTV made good on its threat — the cast of “Jersey Shore” is being replaced next season. According to Star Magazine

The casting director of the popular MTV reality series tells Blackbook magazine that the entire cast will be replaced for the third season.

This news comes after the current cast — Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio, Jenni “JWoww” Farley, Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Vinny Guadagnino and Angelina Pivarnick — demanded large pay increases for a second season following the ratings success of season one.

Being a loud-mouthed Italian with an assault record and a high school equivalency isn’t as rare a commodity as they might have initially been led to believe. I’m pretty sure it’s actually New Jersey’s chief export, right behind “gambling addicts” and “stink.”

GTL OMG C-3PO OU812 TMI!!!!:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online