Looks like MTV made good on its threat — the cast of “Jersey Shore” is being replaced next season. According to Star Magazine

The casting director of the popular MTV reality series tells Blackbook magazine that the entire cast will be replaced for the third season.

This news comes after the current cast — Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, Paul “DJ Pauly D” DelVecchio, Jenni “JWoww” Farley, Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Vinny Guadagnino and Angelina Pivarnick — demanded large pay increases for a second season following the ratings success of season one.

Being a loud-mouthed Italian with an assault record and a high school equivalency isn’t as rare a commodity as they might have initially been led to believe. I’m pretty sure it’s actually New Jersey’s chief export, right behind “gambling addicts” and “stink.”

GTL OMG C-3PO OU812 TMI!!!!:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

The second season of “Jersey Shore” is in full swing in Miami, and I know you’re dying to see what kind of new shennanigans The Situation, Snooki, the one with the big fake tits and the rest are gonna wind up in this time around. Let’s just reach into MTV’s hat of hackneyed cliches and predictable stereotypes here and pull one out — okay, let’s see… ooh, it’s a fight! While they’re drinking! This is all so unexpected! Us Magazine says

The MTV reality star was doing shots with Jenni “JWoww” Farley at Ocean’s 10 bar in Miami Saturday when a man approached her.

“This particular guy was obviously interested and she wasn’t,” a witness [said]. “She told him, ‘Don’t [fuck] with me’ so he snatched her drink and walked off.”

Snooki [then] threw a handful of food at the guy, and then slapped him on his shoulder and his face — before tossing a plastic cup at him.

The guy retaliated by dumping his own drink all over Snooki. Jwoww ran over screaming “What the [fuck] happened?” as security threw him out.

MTV cameras caught everything on tape.

Jesus, what a load of bullshit. The day the Snooki turns down unsolicited male attention is the day I take up smelting and sobriety. That fight was so fucking scripted Diablo Cody could have written it.

Don’t adjust your screen — their skin is supposed to be that color:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

There are rumors going around that some of the Jersey Shore cast won’t be back for the third season of the show. According to Page Six

Some regulars could be on their way out for season three, including Ronnie Magro, Sammi Giancola, Jenni “Jwoww” Farley and Vinny Guadagnino.

A source told us, “Pauly D already has a contract for season three and Snooki and The Situation will stay. The others could be replaced with even more outrageous characters.”

JWoww has massive fake cans and once punched The Situation in the face, so I don’t think she’s going anywhere. Vinny and Sammi are another story, though. They could be easily replaced and you’d never even know the difference. You could argue that they play the yins to Snooki and The Situation’s yangs, but you could also argue that one-dimensional characters don’t really require any type of foil in the first place. But honestly, I don’t know why you have to make everything so cerebral all the time. If I wanted to talk plot devices and hyperbolic characterization, I would have finished fucking high school. Enough already, Hemingway. Jesus.

A little GTL action after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

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Proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Jersey Shore cast is un-exterminable, Snooki and Vinny managed to dodge an Act of God a party in New York over the weekend. Way to drop the ball, Jesus! According to MSNBC

Snooki and fellow “Jersey Shore” star Vinny Guadagnino were among 300 guests at a Purim celebration at the Sony building in New York City. At about 11:10 p.m., snow that collected on the roof, which was partially windowed, caused the glass to collapse.

Snooki [tweeted]: “OMG roof just collapsed at the purim event! We thought the dj was beatin the beat hardcore but nope, the roof couldn’t handle snooki and vin.”

Guadagnino [tweeted]: “Roof just collapsed at Purim event…. I think me and @snooki felt the wrath for not being Jewish.”

No one was seriously injured.

Okay, so you might not be able to kill them outright, but you could always get rid of them for the time being by flipping on the kitchen light. They’ll scurry right back under the fridge with the rest of their little buddies. I don’t know if they make roach traps out of cigarettes and baby oil, but there’s always a chance that could work, too. And don’t forget about fire. Personal experience and three ex-husbands have taught me there’s practically nothing a good gasoline fire can’t cure. We really just need to explore all our options here.

Snooki with her “boyfriend” last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Even though she’s denied they exist, the first of several naked photos of Jersey Shore’s Snooki has been made its way onto the interwebs via the magical portal known as NakedSnooki.com. The photo in question shows Snooki on all fours but strategically covered, and sucking in with vengeance only previously seen courtesy Britney Spears and a can of Cheez Whiz. Radar Online says

RadarOnline.com has seen several photos and they appear to be genuine. The background of the photos matches the background of photos Snooki has released via Twitter – and the background is her bedroom.

There is also a short video that exists. Most of the photos are strategically posed, hiding much of Snooki’s body.

The people in possession of the photos have chosen to remain anonymous so far. But they have registered a domain name and put the photo on a Web site, where RadarOnline.com has viewed it.

It is the one of the set of photos previously seen by RadarOnline.com.

Good God. I’ve never seen skin that color in my life. It’s like a cross between Donatella Versace and a well-oiled catcher’s mitt. Although from a distance, you’d really be hard-pressed to tell either of those two things apart.

Ever wondered what “Jersey Shore” star Snooki would look without the poof and ten pounds of bronzer? Well, this is your lucky day. Inside Edition says

Celebrity hairstylist Francky L’official brushed out Snooki’s sky-high poof. Her heavy bronzer and dark eyeliner and shadow were replaced with much lighter neutrals and Us Weekly’s Fashion Director put Snooki in couture.

She looked super-sleek in a gray and black dress with shoe boots and a low pony tail. And the reality star was almost unrecognizable in a tailored black pantsuit… and a stunning gold and black Marchesa dress.

How does that old saying go? Something about putting lipstick on a pig… oh, wait — I remember now — it’s “You can put lipstick on a pig, and chances are good that The Situation will bring it home and have sex with it.” Consider yourselves warned, ungulates!

PHOTO CREDIT: Shervin Lainez for Inside Edition

Hi guys, it’s Sonya today. Did you know that nipples can stick to ice? It’s true. Just ask Abby when she gets back.

So, the Grammys happened last night, and like the dedicated blogger that I am, I didn’t watch them. I don’t really care who gets what, because it’s all a bunch of crap anyway. They never mention my favorite group, Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters, so I don’t bother. I am interested in what everyone wore, so here we go:

Taylor Swift’s dress fits kind of weird, I think.

Rihanna chose to let her dress do the choking

During a lapse in security, crazy lady Phoebe Price slipped in, as did super-classy Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Pink didn’t need to sneak in, she just snarled at security

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Hi, boys and girls! I’m finally back from my incarceration vacation and I’m all ready to start dishing your daily dose of mindless crap. I hope you enjoyed your time with Sarah, because she’ll be back tomorrow while I’m in court, and possibly again next week, depending which way the jury swings.

But on to the crap: “Jersey Shore” star Nicole “Snooki” Pilozzi is currently in negotiations to star in her own reality show. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about the crap. According to Us Weekly

Snooki [is] getting ready to ditch her Jersey Shore housemates for a solo show.

The pint-sized MTV star [revealed] that she’ll soon helm her own Shot at Love-like reality series “Snookin’ for Love.”

“Definitely there is no set thing, but it has been talked about,” Snooki [said]. “I got offers from VH1 and other reality networks.”

Now, my Spanish is rusty at best — “Eso no es mio, senor” and “No estoy borracha” and “Quiero un abogado” — but I spent several hours in a holding cell in Mexico watching the Jersey Shore, and from what I can tell, it’s the story of a circus midget (Snooki), a post-op transsexual (J-Woww), a former prostitute (Sammi), a roided-out date rapist (Ronnie), the poster child for Axe deodorant body spray (The Situation), a Menudo dropout (Pauly D) and a retard (Vinny). It’s a intricate melange of circus freak and shemale, chest-waxing and penis piercing that only works because of the dynamics and interplay between the characters. Snooki sans the rest of the cast just doesn’t fly. It’s like a flower without any petals, or — more appropriately — like a testicle without any sac. 87% of bearded ladies and 74% Siamese twins polled agree: she’d be better off returning to the circus from whence she came. Fuckin’ circle of life, bro.

Doing some classic circus tricks for passersby:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Now that everybody has seen it 4,583 times in their official “Jersey Shore” promo (see above), MTV has suddenly decided to yank the footage of housemate Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi being punched in piehole from next week’s episode. MTV said in a written statement

“What happened to Snooki was a crime and obviously extremely disturbing. After hearing from our viewers, further consulting with experts on the issue of violence, and seeing how the video footage has been taken out of context not to show the severity of this act or resulting consequences, MTV has decided not to air Snooki being physically punched in the face.”

While they might not be showing it, the fight will still be addressed in the episode, which will also end with a message from the Teen Dating Abuse Helpline organization. Oh, that’s nice, isn’t it? Now it’s not a shameless hook for ratings; it’s an outreach to abused teens! I think Mammy from “Gone with the Wind” said it best: You can give yourself airs, and get yourself all rigged up like you were a race horse, but at the end of the day you’re still just a mule in a horse harness and you don’t fool anybody. MTV pretending it has some kind of moral fiber is like a hooker pulling out elbow-length gloves and and a pair of opera glasses before she sucks you off behind a Luby’s parking lot dumpster. Really, why even bother.

The Situation, JWoww, Pauly D and Snooki greasing it up Hollywood over the weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

When greasy buffoon Brad Ferro isn’t busy sucker-punching chicks in the face or dumping quarts of gel in his hair, he spends most of his time educating America’s youth courtesy of your tax dollars. We might as well go ahead and surrender to the Japanese now. According to Page Six

Ferro, 24, was arrested in late August for punching out [fellow Jersey Shore star] Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi at the Beachcomber Bar & Grill in Seaside Heights.

Ferro, a teacher at North Queens Community HS, was initially told to lay off the booze by bouncers at the bar because he seemed too drunk, [but] Ferro managed to stay inside the bar and [later] swiped shots belonging to Polizzi that had been placed on the bar top.

“That started a verbal altercation, after which he struck her in the face,” [police] said. “She sustained an injury to the inside of her mouth due to the punch.”

So he got drunk and punched her in the face? I don’t see what the big deal is. I’m pretty sure that’s just how men propose in Italy. I swear, people can be so ignorant of other cultures sometimes.