There were lots of celebrities doing the red carpet thing at the MTV Video Music Awards last night. Like “Twilight’s” Ashley Greene, who looked fantastic. She’s like some kind of sexy present in that dress. And speaking of sexy presents, my birthday is coming up, soooo… if any of you were wondering, this is exactly what I want. But I want the one with the real kung-fu grip. And also any cowgirl/sexy nurse accessories she might come with.

TONS more red carpet pics after the jump:

Katy Perry:

Ke$ha:

Lady Gaga:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

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I don’t know what it is lately with men’s magazines and women in lingerie doing menial household chores. You can’t turn around these days without some strumpet in teddy slapping you with her Swiffer or bending over seductively to pull a pie out of the oven. All that’s missing here is the caption “Why did the woman cross the road? Wait, better question — why is she out of the kitchen!? High five!” I guess you can only fit so much abject sexism on one page when using 12-point font.

Sofia Vergara for Esquire:

I wonder how long the pap who took this picture of Sofia Vergara waited to get this money shot. You know, if they really wanted pictures of a hot chick eating phallic food, they should just drive over to my place. I sit out on my porch and deep throat hot dogs to try to get the mailman’s attention. Weird, he justs tucks his head down and throws the mail at me from the sidewalk. It’s almost like he doesn’t want to see all glorious 280 pounds of me gagging on hot dogs. I just don’t get it.

On the beach in Italy:

When you’re faced with jugs this spectacular, the only logical choice is a good ol’ fashioned boob-off. Now, I can’t tell you what a boob-off entails per se, but I assume there’s a lot of baby oil and squeezing and maybe a squirt gun full of cold water. To be honest, no one’s ever accepted my boob-off challenge before. They usually start yelling at me to put my shirt back and threaten to call the cops again. Fucking haters.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online, Pacific Coast News

I still have no idea who Sofia Vergara is, exactly, but she’s not ugly and she’s fond of swanning about with her impressive rack on display, which basically makes her an internet superhero.

This is Sofia Vergara on the beach in Miami.  She’s dressed like my grandmother, who has been dead for nearly ten years, but the view was never this good when my grandmother leaned over.