Sophie Monk is barely D-list, but she looks fantastic in a bikini, so here you go. Pandering to the lowest common denominator is practically an art for me now.
In the February issue of Maxim Australia:
Here’s unimportant blonde person Sophie Monk in a bikini in some foreign edition of Maxim magazine. This is usually the part where I would write more words, but frankly, she’s not that important.
Australian “actress” Sophie Monk isn’t even D-list on a good day, but I literally have nothing else to write about unless you want to review a two-page analysis of Justin Bieber’s latest haircut (no, really), so just shut your stupid piehole and quit with the “who?!’s” and “zzzzzz’s” already. Anyway, she just got engaged to some old dude I’ve never heard of. There. That wasn’t so hard, was it? Us Magazine says:
Sophie Monk, 31, announced her engagement to 50-year-old American businessman Jimmy Esebag on Tuesday.
“I got engaged,” Monk revealed during an Australian radio interview (via Sydney Morning Herald). “It feels right — I think you know when you know.”
Describing Esebag as her “soul partner,” the Spring Breakdown star added that she’s “marrying a male version of myself, which is dangerous but good. He’s a keeper.”
Did you catch that? She’s 31 and he’s 50. Which means when he was 31, she was just going into the sixth grade. Sorta makes my hanging out by the middle school soccer field seem a little less creepy now. The defense rests, your honor!
Looking like death warmed over last year (rows 1 & 2); at the premiere of one of those stupid Kardashian shows last month (3):
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
Everyone keeps saying how Sophie Monk has gone and ruined her face with a bunch fillers and injectable-plumpers, but I don’t know if I believe that. Maybe she just had a permanent allergic reaction to some bad shellfish. Or maybe she wore a hornet’s nest like a sombrero while shotgunning tabasco and habanero chilis. What am I, psychic?
In Cosmo next month:
I already gave you a taste of Sophie Monk topless in “The Hills Run Red,” but you guys don’t usually complain when I toss more titty your way, so here are Sophie Monk’s bare boobies. Again. That’s about it, really. No sense in beating a dead horse here. Especially when there are so many other things you’d rather be beating at the moment. Yeeeah, baby! High five!
Lots, lots, lots LOTS more NSFW boobage after the jump:
Sophie Monk’s new movie “The Hills Run Red” heads straight to a DVD player near you today, in which she plays a stripper who shows her boobs. That’s all I really know. I was going to do a little more research, but that would have required reading words instead of staring at her boobs. Which, ironically, is exactly you’re doing right now. Dumbass!
All thumbs 2 and 3 NSFW:
Boy, is Pee Wee Herman gonna be pissed when he finds out Sophie Monk stole his bike and painted it pink. It’s not for sale, Francis!
Sophie Monk is a shitty actress with an even shittier resume of box office failures, but I doubt you’ll care because her bikini is virtually see-through when it’s wet. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about this industry, it’s that you can be a boil on the ass of all things thespian and still get a job if you’re blond and have big tits. That goes double if you have a “will do full-frontal” clause in your contract and don’t mind sucking a little director dick from time to time. On the other hand, those qualifications only hinder your chances for a job if you’re looking for a part-time position at a daycare or old folks home. Just trust me on that one.
Australian actress Sophie Monk helped herself to a big ol’ slice of Paris Hilton leftover pie by swapping her ex-boyfriend for Paris’. Sound confusing and riddled with genital blisters? Grab a spoon and dig in! Star Pulse says
[Sophie] split from rocker fiance Benji Madden at the beginning of 2008 and now she has been spotted out and about with his new girlfriend Paris Hilton’s ex, Alex Vaggo. Vaggo, a former pizza delivery boy, dated Hilton last year.
So, in short, each is banging the other’s ex. Marvelous. Well, you can’t undo the skank of Paris Hilton once you’ve been branded with it. Like a Aryan Nation tattoo or the term “registered sex offender,” it will serve to haunt you the rest of your days. Not to mention make volunteering as Den Mother or Black History Ambassador next to impossible.
Sophie necking with Kristin Cavallari outside the gym last week:
Paris on Germany’s small screen gem “Wetten, dass?” this weekend:
Sophie Monk is so skinny that everytime she takes a bath, the hole sucks her in and her boyfriend has to call the plumber to help her get out of this mess.
More pics after the jump.
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