The Sun is reporting that Amy Winehouse is heading to South Africa for an extended stay in rehab, but Female First says she is already lined up to perform “the world’s most bizarre club” in September.

The troubled singer is set to pocket [$700,000] to sing at the opening night of a Rotterdam, Netherlands… venue powered entirely by human energy. “The energy will come from urine and sweat from the visitors. The club is set in the biggest drugs circuit in Holland. It is so out there it might even shock Amy.”

Shocking Amy Winehouse would be the modern-day equivalent of out-perving Caligula, so that’s really saying something. I can’t think of anything more fun than being at a concert fueled by the secretions of an orgiastic mob injecting heroin directly in their spines and snorting mildew remover between vomits. Maybe sphincter reconstruction or third degree burns.

Hey, kids! Today’s funtime activity is “Connect the Dots with Amy Winehouse!”^* Connect the sores on Amy’s face and discover the picture hidden within! Use all the “dots” and make sure to have fun!

^*_{Answer below}

It’s a PENTAGRAM!! The ancient symbol rejected by Christianity in the twentieth century and later adopted by Satanists! Stayed tuned for next week’s funtime activity: “Find Twelve Things Starting with “B” Hidden in Britney Spears’ Cellulite!”

The devil in a red shirt:

“The Prophet’s” Kahlil Gibran once said, “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” Well, I think it’s pretty obvious that Kahlil Gibran was full of shit.

Because the power of Christ compels you: