Have you ever heard of Monet? Cezanne? Van Gogh? Morons. Heidi Montag Pratt’s Playboy spread makes those look like clumsy fingerpaintings.Digital Spy reports,

Spencer Pratt has claimed that his wife Heidi Montag’s Playboy shoot is “beautiful art”.

The reality TV star spoke out about his partner’s photographs in the adult publication at last week’s G.I. Joe Hollywood premiere.

“[The photos are] beautiful art,” he told Access Hollywood. “Not, like, Picasso art - real beautiful art, you know what I’m saying?

“[Playboy] kind of had a vision… and we brought in Matthew Rolston, who is a very well-known, amazing photographer. So, it’s more art.”

The Hills star poses for the cover in a bikini with the Playboy bunny logo tanned on her stomach.

Speaking about Montag’s figure, Pratt added: “See her powerful curves. They are powerful! It’s an honour. I feel like I did something great, like I should get a trophy!”

Montag’s Playboy issue is published on August 14.

Personally, I’d like to see Heidi’s body abstracted into little bits like Picasso’s women, wouldn’t you?

At the G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra premiere, where for some reason she’s brought along her Playboy. Good god, does she sleep with it under her pillow, too?

Back in April, there were reports that Heidi Montag was in negotiations to pose nude for Playboy.  It appears that for once in her worthless life, one of the publicity-mongering rumours she started was actually true.  From People:

Heidi Montag has gotten a lot of exposure lately – but the newlywed is about to get even more: She has posed for the September issue of Playboy, PEOPLE has confirmed.

The reality star was most recently stirring up drama on I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here, shot in Costa Rica, where she was briefly hospitalized. In April, she married her Hills costar Spencer Pratt.

Details of her Playboy photos are, um, scant: “There is nudity. It’s tasteful – she had a lot of fun with it,” says a second source. A rep for the magazine had no comment, and Montag’s rep was not immediately available to respond to questions.

Whatever.  Listen, I know Heidi Montag is gross and plastic and has a really weird chin and looks like she’s mid-seizure every time she makes a “sexy” face, but this could be sooooo much worse.  I mean, whoring for money is the only marketable skill Speidi actually has, and just think — it could be Spencer’s creepy platinum nethers going on display.  Heidi doesn’t seem so bad, all of a sudden, huh?  Maybe that’s the magic of their relationship… Heidi stays with Spencer because he makes her seem almost tolerable in comparison.

Heidi Montag writhing around on the beach in her “Blackout” video:

On her fake honeymoon after her pretend wedding in Mexico:

Y’all may have heard over the weekend that Heidi Montag was rushed to the hospital because she was tortured in some elaborate prisoner-of-war scenario on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”.  From E! Online:

Were Spencer and Heidi Pratt deprived of food and water for almost three days while being forced to live in blacked-out seclusion on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here?

That’s what their family is claiming. A show insider, on the other hand, says all reports that the pair were mistreated have been greatly exaggerated.

“They kept them locked up and through the roof they were dropping spiders the size of [Heidi's] hands in on her in the black,” Spencer’s sister, Stephanie, just told me at the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation’s A Time for Heroes Celebrity Carnival in L.A.

“They treated them like they were criminals or terrorists,” she added.

Stephanie said Heidi, who was reportedly rushed to a local Costa Rica hospital yesterday, was transferred to another medical facility today. She said she wasn’t sure what the final diagnosis was. But it sure doesn’t sound pretty…

“She was throwing up 30 times with nothing in her stomach,” Stephanie said. “She was really sick. She thought she was dying….I know they pulled such shitty antics,” she said. “But being treated like criminals or terrorists? It’s insane!”

That’s a really melodramatic story full of Heidi suffering untold horrors, and it would fill my heart with sunshine and rainbows if it were remotely true, but — brace yourselves guys, ‘cuz this is so shocking — it’s all complete bullshit.  Also from E! Online:

A rep for NBC declined to comment, but ITV Studios, producers of I’m a Celebrity, deny any wrongdoing.

My show insider insists the newlyweds were not only fed, but they were only in the lost chamber for about 14 hours. “They slept most of the time,” said the insider, who asked not to be identified. “And when they weren’t sleeping, they were laying side by side praying.”

As for the Speiders, the insider said, “There were no bugs added to the chamber. Maybe there was a small one that Spencer tried to kill.”

The insider also said Heidi was not vomiting: “They were in happy spirits when they came out of the chamber.”

We’ll get to see everything tomorrow night when the latest I’m a Celebrity airs. “Everything is documented because there are cameras on them all the time,” the insider said. “There are interviews, too.”

Now, sources say, Spencer is considering suing NBC for its treatment of him and Heidi, while NBC is threatening to sue the newlyweds if they don’t live up to their contract and bail in the show.

Ugh.  Jesus Christ, these people are so utterly worthless.  The only way this situation could possibly be resolved to my satisfaction would be if Aquatica were a real facility and every one of the pathological famewhoring fuck monkeys involved in this story got bitten in half by an insanely pissed off supershark while Samuel L. Jackson ranted about the malevolent tendencies of ice.

So, apparently there’s some show called “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”, and I guess it’s all about taking has-beens and douchebags and dropping them in the jungle and filming the ensuing nervous breakdowns.  For reasons I can only imagine involved copious amounts of alcohol and a contract with Lucifer, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt ended up on the show and spent the first two days gracefully alternating between fits of crying and threats to leave.

Yesterday and today were riddled with asinine nonsense from both of them Twittering about asking Jesus to help them and clodhopping through LAX covered with blankets and generally acting as heinous as humanly possible about quitting this stupid “Jackasses of the Jungle” show.  Except… oh, wait.  That whole rigamarole was just a bunch of fake drama they cooked up for attention, just like every other dickhead thing they do with their worthless lives.  From Us Weekly:

Heidi and Spencer Pratt are remaining on the NBC reality show I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! after all, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.

“Heidi and Spencer are still in the jungle and part of the show,” their rep told Us Wednesday morning.

Us can also exclusively report that Spencer’s sister Stephanie and his friend Spenser (yes, there’s another one, only spelled with an ’s’) were the people under the blankets at L.A.’s LAX airport Tuesday night. They were simply used as decoy to throw people off and give the illusion that Spencer and Heidi had returned to L.A., says a source.

Spencer and Heidi had already tried to quit the show at least twice — and then un-quit.

They strongly suggested on Tuesday’s show, however, that they were leaving for good.

“Super-celebrities don’t belong in the jungle. They belong in Hollywood with the paparazzi,” Spencer said.

Ugh.  Seriously.  If that Ganush gypsy lady from Drag Me To Hell could do me a gigantic favour and give these two famewhoring bitches a couple of Lamia curse buttons, that’d be great.

Promo stills from “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”:

I don’t know what these two are worried about. Here are attention superwhores Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag returning from wherever they were on their honeymoon (and I refuse to Google it to find out–I DO have some standards) wearing face masks. Of course the obligatory photo ops ensue. At least we can’t see their shit-eating grins. But as I was saying. I don’t think they have a thing to worry about in all this swine flu crap. I’m pretty sure you could drop a gazillion-ton atomic bomb on them and they’d still be there, like little cockroaches, searching for a camera lens to pose for.

What will protect US against THEM? At LAX:

“Reality” star turned “singer” Heidi Montag is reportedly in negotiations to get naked for Playboy at the behest of her asswipe husband. According to Contact Music

New husband Spencer Pratt is happy for the world to see all of his blushing bride. Life & Style magazine reports that Montag is currently in talks with the Playboy editors to try and seal a deal for a whopping $500,000.

A source tells the publication, “(Heidi) wants to do it. It’s just a matter of working out the details.”

Perhaps the term “shameless media whores” just wasn’t derisive enough for the two of them. Now Heidi and Spencer get to be actual whores. Dignity doesn’t pay the bills, you know!

Obligatory wedding photos:

Because nothing says “everlasting love” like exploiting your wife’s body for profit:

I have no idea why Heidi Montag still insists on pursuing her “career” of ear-splitting wailing, but what is an even bigger mystery to me is why anyone would think involving Spencer Pratt is a good idea.  And yet, here he is filming her new “Look How I’m Doing” video.  Yeah, this is gonna turn out great.  A tone-deaf retard fondling her own silicon chesticles and randomly pointing at shit whilst her pube-faced cohort does the limbo for no apparent reason and primarily films the back of her head in the dark.

Actually, that last bit is a sound business decision, but it’s not really going to help anything since that camera clearly has a microphone.  I’d rather listen to the sound of my own bones being crushed and forcibly torn from my flesh than hear any noise at all from Heidi Montag.

It’s a shame to waste the words “Spencer Pratt” and “beating” without the words “barely-conscious victim of,” but here goes: Spencer came to the defense of his sister Stephanie’s honor by punching her ex-boyfriend Cameron Huston in the face. Star Magazine says

Things got hostile at swanky West Hollywood lounge Coco de Ville on Jan. 17 when Spencer spotted Cameron and immediately started a heated argument. An eyewitness says Spencer lost it and smashed his sister’s ex in the face!

“Cameron had to be taken to a local hospital,” a witness tells Star. “There was blood; there was screaming. It was a major scene.”

Bullshit. Last time I checked, dog-paddling the air with your eyes squinched shut doesn’t count as actual fighting. The only thing that Spencer knows how to do with his fist involves a frantic up and down motion and several ounces of hand lotion.

With fellow fame whores Heidi Montag, Perez Hilton and the Kardashians at Perez’ book signing:

I might not be magic, but I’m still pretty tight with Santa, so I know not all of you have been good this year. And since I can’t legally put lumps of coal in your stockings anymore (breaking and entering violates my parole), here’s a bunch of pictures of Heidi Montag at the season finale of The Hills in Manhattan. Merry effing Christmas, jerks. Next time I’m in a costume offering you samples at the mall, maybe you should think twice before shoving me into a corner and beating my with a lunch tray. Santa sees everything, you know!

G’morning kids!  It’s Sarah today.  I hope you haven’t eaten recently, because here are Platinum Pubeface and Chinny McPlastic on their fakey-fake-fake pretend honeymoon.  I’ve seen more realistically staged pictures from theme parks where families stick their faces in those holes in a painted board.

In more hilarious news, Heidi Montag’s mum effing hates Spencer Pratt’s creepazoid guts, and she tells Us Weekly that she thinks Spencer drugged Heidi to con her into marrying him:

“He’s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi,” Darlene Egelhoff, 46, told Us in an exclusive interview from her home in Crested Butte, Colorado the day after Montag, 22, blew off Thanksgiving with her family to stay with Pratt in Cabo San Lucas., the site of her Nov. 20 elopement. “I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged.”

Look lady, I don’t want to alarm you or anything, but your daughter is a goddamn retard.  I don’t think it would require drugging to trick her into a publicity-stunt marriage.  I’m pretty sure you could show up in a tinfoil hat and shout, “The British are coming!” and convince her to move into a treehouse made of popsicle sticks and wear armour made out of cardboard and duct tape.

Adds Egelhoff - who famously fought with Pratt, 25, on The Hills: “God says love your enemies, but I never expected it to be my son-in-law.”

So how long does she give their marriage?

“Six months,” she says.

“I think it’s the biggest mistake Heidi’s ever made,” Egelhoff adds.

Whatever.  Heidi’s a vapid, useless famewhore, and she pretend married a shallow, attention-hungry toolshed.  Of course it’s not gonna last.

In douchebag news, it looks like Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag finally got pretend married in the publicity-stunt wedding of their jackassy dreams.  They “eloped” in Mexico last Thursday, in a 15-minute “unplanned” ceremony.  From US Weekly:

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 20, US Weekly reports in its newest issue.

“The minute we said our vows, I couldn’t stop crying,” Montag, 22, tells US.

At the altar, Pratt, 25, told his bride: “Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.”

Uh huh.  Suuure.  Love, forever and always.  Love of headlines and magazine covers and attention, in any form, good or bad.  Gosh, it’s just so romantic, innit?  Heidi’s family is, of course, incredibly supportive of this magically enchanted journey into wedded bliss, if by “supportive” you mean “completely unaware”.

Someone who might not be so thrilled? Montag’s mother.

“I called her right before the ceremony, sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, ‘Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle,’” Montag tells Us.

“She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that,” she adds. “I don’t know when I’ll tell her.”

Well, thank heavens you had the taste and decorum to tell her by way of an attention-whoring announcement in US Weekly, Heidi.  You are truly a beacon of class.

If these two spawn, I swear to God I might hurt someone.  If there really is a Santa Claus, all I want him to do for Christmas is to render them infertile.  It’d be a gift for the whole world.  Please, Santa?  I’ve been a good girl all year!  I didn’t even get arrested, except for that one time I was held on suspicion of impersonating a police officer, but that was all just a misunderstanding involving a pair of handcuffs, three schoolboys, and a public bathroom.  No charges were filed!

The Global War on Terror just got a little douchier — The Hills’ Heidi Montag and her boyfriend Spencer Pratt are heading overseas to visit the troops, inspired by Heidi’s late stepbrother’s service in the Middle East. According to People magazine

“My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq,” the Hills star [says] in an interview. “It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there.”

Montag’s stepbrother, Eric O’Hara, 24, died in an accident in March at the Steamboat Springs, Colo., hotel where he worked.

She’d better hope her only venue over there is a military hospital. Trust me, the only way some soldier is gonna stick around for all four and a half minutes of “Body Language” is if they’re missing their ambulatory means of escape or are completely deaf from all the roadside bombings.

The two sacks of shit posing for staged pics at an L.A. gun range: