File this under Dear God No: it’s looking like “Home Alone” star Macaulay Culkin might be the mystery father of Michael Jackson’s son Blanket (real name Prince Michael II), thanks to the miracle of in vitro fertilization. Ew. London’s The Sun says

Culkin — [who is godfather to Jacko's other two children -- starred] alongside Jackson in the video for his hit song Black or White in 1991, regularly visited the singer’s Neverland ranch, and took the witness stand to defend him at his 2005 child molestation trial. Now sources close to Jackson say the Thriller star asked Culkin for the donation to help him complete his “perfect” family.

[They said], “This isn’t just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he’s Blanket’s father. Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. Really, Jackson idolized him - that’s why he asked Mack to donate sperm.

Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing.”

God, what’s worse than imagining Kevin McCallister jerking off into in a sample cup while Michael Jackson hovers behind him in the background? No, seriously — I don’t know. So far all I’ve got is “unclogging John Goodman’s toilet after a week at Oktoberfest.” That’s why I’m asking you.

Disturbing pictures of the two of them together:

Pictures of Macaulay’s hot-ass girlfriend Mila Kunis in next month’s Details magazine:

Nadya “Octomom” Suleman’s mother Angela Suleman spoke to Early Show co-anchor Maggie Rodriguez about her thoughts on her daughter’s situation, and she shed a little light on who the sperm donor was. CBS News quotes the video:

“Tell me about the sperm donor. How did she meet him?” Rodriguez asked.

“They were just friends. And she’s a very persuasive, well-spoken young woman. And somehow she must have talked him into it,” said Suleman.

“Has she been in contact with him since the babies were born?” Rodriguez asked.

“I’m sure she may have spoken with him,” Suleman said.

According to Suleman, at this point, the sperm donor isn’t a part of Nadya’s other six children’s lives, but she would like to see him be a part of all their lives.

“Every child needs a father. But my daughter wanted to raise these children by herself. So that, I think, is a kind of a little selfish act. I don’t know why she would not have a father, the father of these children in her life. I don’t,” Suleman said.

“Do you think he was paid for the sperm?” Rodriguez asked.

“I don’t know. She’s so persuasive. I doubt that she had to pay (she laughed) for anything really. She’s a very convincing person,” Suleman said.

I’m going to use my expert skills of deduction and read between the lines here. Nadya Suleman is a conniving, selfish, bloated bitch who should be put out to pasture. “Persuasive” meaning that she most likely hogtied the “friend” and milked the man’s prostate dry. I really hope CPS takes those poor little babies away and gives them to stable couples who don’t have little dollar signs in their pupils.