Hello my babies, hello, my honies, hello, my ragtime GAAA-AAALS: It’s Abby! Or “Maria Conchita Alonza de la Piedad de Cavadas,” as I’ll be referring to myself until the statute of limitations is up. Thanks to my darling Sonya and Sarah for towing the line in my absence!

Anyhoo, your dreams are about to come true — you can finally see Lindsay Lohan in her very own hardcore porn movie! Well, kind of. Splash News says

The x-rated documentary-style comedy “Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan” [stars] look-alikes of the actress and gal pal Samantha Ronson [and] follows ‘Lindsay’ as she struggles with her stormy on-off romance with Sam, goes in and out of rehab and tries to cover up wardrobe malfunctions.

Lindsay is played by redhead Scarlett Fay. The Hustler Video movie also sees her get advice from pal Paris Hilton (Eden Adams) and have a catfight with Scarlett Johansson (Nicole Ray).

The movie is reportedly so accurate that her own mother almost believed it was actually Lindsay. Until the (NSFW) scene where Ron Jeremy shot his load all over her face, that is. “Oh, come on,” Ms. Lohan’s quoted as saying. “Everybody knows the REAL Lindsay Lohan would never let perfectly good spooge go to waste like that! My girl’s a swallower!” Interestingly, I once used those exact same words in a toast at my sister’s wedding, but I didn’t get nearly as many laughs. I think it’s really all about the delivery.

UPDATE: Movie trailer after the jump!

97% of thumbnails monstrously NSFW:

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I think it’s kind of fun when celebrities don’t take themselves so seriously, especially when they’re B-list celebrities like Denise Richards. You either become an anorexic neighing philly like Tori Spelling bemoaning the pressures of Hollywood, or you go the trashy route like Denise. I pick Denise! Her Funny or Die spoof TV advertisement has gotten one Florida businessman bent out of shape, however. At the end of the advert, a order phone number flashes on screen and she quickly adds: “First 50 callers get a picture of my boobs!” The sketch, which has been viewed almost 300,000 times, is causing unwanted calls to Bharat Raja Chatani’s Luggage Gallery Store in Miami, who is getting tired of getting asked about “funbags”. Ha!

By the way, is that Frodo’s little sister at the 1:05 mark?