The only way you could make a video of this year’s Sports Illustrated cover girl Kate Upton dancing in a bikini unsexy is if you threw in some footage of a creepy balding sex offender and shot it the living room of his dead grandmother’s home. And here I mean “dead grandmother” in the “bludgeoned to death with her own oxygen tank and buried her under the floorboards” sense of the word, because Terry Richardson is a fucking weirdo. The video looks like something that Detectives Stabler and Benson would turn over as evidence to the prosecution on an episode of SVU.

Dennis Quaid can now put a third notch in the ol’ failed marriage belt after his wife of eight years Kimberly Buffington-Quaid filed for divorce earlier this week. And what does Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Cintia Dicker in Men’s Health four months ago have to do with the split? Well, to the untrained eye, nothing. But as a hard-hitting and responsible journalist, I wouldn’t feel right if I left any stone unturned.

Ever heard the expression “too much of a good thing?” Well, I guarantee whoever said that never saw Kate Upton’s rack.

Kate Upton might have landed the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover, but Sophia Neophitou — editor of the “English style bible ’10′ and creative force behind the casting of the Victoria’s Secret shows” — doesn’t think she’s refined enough to take the runaway at a VS fashion show. The NY Times says:

“We would never use Ms. Upton for a Victoria’s Secret show,” Ms. Neophitou said by telephone last week from London. And, while Ms. Upton has, in fact, modeled on occasion for the company’s catalog, her look, said Ms. Neophitou, is “too obvious” to be featured in what has become the most widely viewed runway show in the world.

“She’s like a Page 3 girl,” Ms. Neophitou said, referring to the scantily clad voluptuous women featured in The Sun, a London tabloid. “She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”

Day-um. I think it’s pretty clear that either Kate Upton fucked Ms. Neiphitou’s significant other, or else Ms. Neiphitou caught her significant other jerking it to pictures of Kate Upton. The only way it’d be more obvious that she hated Kate is if she spat and made the sign of the cross every time she said her name.

Sports Illustrated model Irina Shayk goes topless-but-covered in next month’s Esquire UK, but just how Esquire has the balls to charge 4.25 British pounds for a fucking handbra when you could see her boobs here for free right here is beyond me. I was all ready to get huffy and write an outraged letter to the editor when it occurred to me, “Wait a minute — it’s Esquire.” I don’t think “balls” even even factor into the equation here.

The 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar is out just in time for the holidays, and — more importantly — none of these pics have anything to do with ass-raping an underprivileged ten-year-old boy in a Penn State locker room. Not posting them would be the real crime here.

Today is more boring than church, so what better way to break up the monotony than with a little gratuitous T & A courtesy of Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton? After all, man was made in God’s own image. It stands to reason that admiring her nearly-naked body would qualify as worship. Gotcha on a technicality, Jesus!

Amen:

Lindsay Lohan goes to court today to decide whether or not to accept a plea deal in the felony grand theft case against her, but I know you’re as sick of reading about her as I am writing about her. So instead, here’s Sports Illustrated’s token black swimsuit model Jessica White naked in Bullet Magazine. Finally, some affirmative action you can really get behind!

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Jessica White was arrested outside a New York nightclub early Saturday morning after she snatched a trick by her broke-ass weave and busted out all her fronts. People Magazine says:

The model, 26, was charged with assault for striking another woman in the face and pulling her hair.

According to a complaint filed to the DA’s office, White allegedly hit the woman numerous causing “lacerations, swelling and substantial pain.”

White, who has been linked with both Sean Penn and Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Terrell Owens, was held in police custody for more than 12 hours.

Well, it’s like they say — you can take the black girl out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of the black girl.

People always use the term “asshat” like it’s a bad thing. I guess they’ve never met Sports Illustrated model Melissa Satta.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Lindsey Vonn, the most successful female skier in history, took home the gold in the Olympic downhill in Vancouver yesterday, and she’s expected to win at least two more in the next few days. So I thought it was only fitting that I post these pictures of her in a bikini in Sports Illustrated. You know, so you could get a load of her “mounds” on the, um… “peaks.” Okay, I’ll stop now.