Sports Illustrated model Irina Shayk goes topless-but-covered in next month’s Esquire UK, but just how Esquire has the balls to charge 4.25 British pounds for a fucking handbra when you could see her boobs here for free right here is beyond me. I was all ready to get huffy and write an outraged letter to the editor when it occurred to me, “Wait a minute — it’s Esquire.” I don’t think “balls” even even factor into the equation here.

The 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar is out just in time for the holidays, and — more importantly — none of these pics have anything to do with ass-raping an underprivileged ten-year-old boy in a Penn State locker room. Not posting them would be the real crime here.

Today is more boring than church, so what better way to break up the monotony than with a little gratuitous T & A courtesy of Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton? After all, man was made in God’s own image. It stands to reason that admiring her nearly-naked body would qualify as worship. Gotcha on a technicality, Jesus!

Amen:

Lindsay Lohan goes to court today to decide whether or not to accept a plea deal in the felony grand theft case against her, but I know you’re as sick of reading about her as I am writing about her. So instead, here’s Sports Illustrated’s token black swimsuit model Jessica White naked in Bullet Magazine. Finally, some affirmative action you can really get behind!

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Jessica White was arrested outside a New York nightclub early Saturday morning after she snatched a trick by her broke-ass weave and busted out all her fronts. People Magazine says:

The model, 26, was charged with assault for striking another woman in the face and pulling her hair.

According to a complaint filed to the DA’s office, White allegedly hit the woman numerous causing “lacerations, swelling and substantial pain.”

White, who has been linked with both Sean Penn and Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Terrell Owens, was held in police custody for more than 12 hours.

Well, it’s like they say — you can take the black girl out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of the black girl.

People always use the term “asshat” like it’s a bad thing. I guess they’ve never met Sports Illustrated model Melissa Satta.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Lindsey Vonn, the most successful female skier in history, took home the gold in the Olympic downhill in Vancouver yesterday, and she’s expected to win at least two more in the next few days. So I thought it was only fitting that I post these pictures of her in a bikini in Sports Illustrated. You know, so you could get a load of her “mounds” on the, um… “peaks.” Okay, I’ll stop now.

You already knew Michael Jackson was a freak, but this may still surprise you: he didn’t actually have a face. Most of it was just tattooed on. Same goes for the hair. According to Nine MSN

Michael Jackson’s autopsy report [notes that] his hair was “sparse and connected to a wig,” with his hairline tattooed to his scalp.

Other facial features were reportedly tattooed on as well:

“There is a dark skin discoloration resembling a tattoo on the anterior half of the scalp,” [the report states]. “There are dark tattoos in the areas of both eyebrows and at the superior and interior borders of the palperbral fissures. There is a pink tattoo in the region of the lips.”

That’s fuckin weird, right? Well, hang on — it gets even weirder. TMZ says

It seems Michael Jackson’s longtime doctor was telling the truth about Michael’s propensity to pee in bottles, based on the L.A. County Coroner’s autopsy report.

Among the items found in the bedroom where Dr. Conrad Murray was treating Michael Jackson — “a closed bottle of urine atop a chair.”

Michael Jackson [had a] habit of peeing in cups and other objects, often in front of others.

Dr. Klein told TMZ today Jackson would pee in any object that was available. “That’s how he peed,” Klein said.

Urine hoarding? Is there no end to the weirdness? Um, that would be a resounding no. This final shocking revelation from the autopsy report states:

Michael Jackson’s brain had been replaced with that of a tap-dancing pigeon nearly twenty years ago. Not only was his cerebrum not his own — his arms and legs were largely animatronic, controlled by a remote computer located in the south of Japan.

Okay, I made that last part up. That makes way too much sense to really be believable.

And now for someone’s whose face isn’t tattooed on: Danielle Sarahyba in the SI Swimsuit Issue:

This is Ashley Greene in a body paint “skinsuit” on the Turks and Caicos islands for a new SoBe commercial.  Photos from the shoot will appear in the 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

The 22-year-old actress modeled two of make-up artist Joanne Gair’s hand-painted SoBe skinsuits which were inspired by the new, exotic SoBe Lifewater 0 calorie flavors — Cherimoya Punch and Strawberry Dragonfruit. The skinsuits take their design cues from the SoBe bottles – from the painted scales right down to SoBe’s signature lizard.

Ashley shared, “Being a part of the SoBe skinsuit shoot in the Turks and Caicos was amazing. It took the artist 12 hours to paint the SoBe scales on each skinsuit, but it was totally worth it. It’s an experience I’ll never forget.”

Oh and hey, if you like half-naked ladies and gambling (and who doesn’t?) you can enter SoBe’s “Zero Calories, Zero Inhibitions Vegas Sweepstakes” which runs from now until Friday, January 29 on SoBe.com. One winner and three friends will receive tickets to the invite-only 2010 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition launch in Las Vegas.

Here are the rest of the models featured in the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Explorer’s Edition, because while they may not yet be famous, they still have boobs. And that right there is two-thirds of the hiring requirements here at Yeeeah! I’m pretty sure the other third was something about people skills. God knows it wasn’t writing!

Cintia Dicker:

Daniela Sarahyba:

Julie Henderson:

Kim Cloutier:

Tori Praver:

The 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Explorer’s Edition Portfolio contains tons of bikini-clad pictures of models Bar Rafaeli, Brooklyn Decker and Hilary Rhoda (just to name a few), although I’m not entirely sure what makes it the “Explorer’s Edition.” Perhaps there’s a mariner’s guide to the Straits of Magellan and a crudely-drawn map to the Lost City of Gold in the back. You know, in case you feel like rubbing one out on the legend of El Dorado instead of Bar Rafaeli’s face. I’m sure that happens a lot if your last name is Pizarro.