This is Daiana Ygropoulou (pronounced “Nice Rack”) in the November ‘09 issue of Greek Nitro Magazine.  I’ve never heard of Dalailama Youngroupooloop or Nitro Magazine, but I didn’t see the point in asking questions and neither should you.

Back in the day, Jewel bucked the show-yer-tits rule to get ahead in her career. Sad for her, lucky for you, she’s abandoned her sense of integrity. Enjoy yourselves, you opportunistic bastards!

Here’s a bunch of pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio (not) eating the same piece of cake for the launch of “Velvet-The Fragrance” at Victoria’s Secret in NYC.  After all, you don’t get to be a Victoria’s Secret model by eating, you know! You DO get to be a female sumo wrestler though. Ask me how!

Here’s Sela Ward at the premiere of The Stepfather, looking absolutely stunning. She puts all those stupid fake younger celebrities to shame. This lady is 53 years old. She’s definitely got the sexy, smoldering eye thing down pat. This is aging at its finest, to say the least. Drink it up! Drink her up like a fine wine, bitches!

You’d never know it to look at her, but this demure little lady,  Nicole “CoCo” Austin is of Albanian descent. I was pretty sure she was descended from a plastic mold at a sex toy manufacturer, coupled together with silicone implants. I’ve never seen anyone that had actual fenders on their hips.

Dita Von Teese’s outfit here is pretty, um, ambitious?.  The last time I tried dressing up as Our Lady of Guadalupe was when I got knocked up by the UPS guy and I tried to pass off the pregnancy as divine. Didn’t really fly. Hope things go better for Dita!

I suppose if the other outfit was the virginal Mary, this is…um, the sexy demon of bicycling?

Mischa Barton and some little friend of hers were walking to the Bowery Hotel yesterday, and Mischa was… well, she was certainly filling out her dress.  She busted one of her ass seams:

I don’t get Mischa Barton.  She’s certainly not fat, but she’s not very well toned and she picks out the world’s most unflattering outfits.  She’s got great bone structure, but her hair’s a damn mess and she spackles her eyes like she’s a blind crack whore.  I just don’t get it.  But whatever it is, she’s outta the psych ward now so I want her to knock it off and try harder.

Here’s useless boobie carrying unit Audrina Patridge in next month’s Maxim Magazine. I do have to say that along with the usual “sensuously eating fruit pose” and the obligatory bikini and bra shots, I’m a little confused by what Maxim is hinting at with the “hose between the legs” bit. Isn’t that usually reserved for men? Are they hinting at female ejaculation, perhaps? The benefits of douching? I don’t really know. It’s up for you to decide, dear readers. As for me, I’m going to go outside and reenact this scene, and try to get some feedback from the neighbors. Cheerio!

This is Blake Lively on the set of “Gossip Girl” yesterday.  I’ve never seen an episode of “Gossip Girl”, because I’m not a junior high girl or a 39-year-old gay man, but I’ve seen a lot of pictures of the people on that show and it’s obvious to me that the wardrobe department hates them all.  Every last one of these fools is always dressed like a jackhole.  Just look at this butt ugly dress they’ve stuffed Blake Lively into.  She looks like Grey Gardens Barbie.

Blake clearly understands the best way to detract from a hideous outfit is to bring as much focus as possible onto your boobs:

Did you hear about that research study at an English university that shows you can rearrange the letters of a word and you can still read it, as long as the first and last letters of the word are left alone? Let’s try it:

Tihs is Rxonane Dwan, a Poaybly mdoel and DJ. She’s hree psoing for preictus on Snata Mcnoia bceah wtih her ctue ltitle ppupy, and oh yaeh, bobos bobos bobos bobos!

I don’t know if you caught that, but that basically said, BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS!

Diane Kruger was in last weekend’s Sunday Times Style, and in it she talks about Inglourious Basterds, clicking with Quentin Tarantino, the terrible stickiness of fake blood, and a bunch of stuff about her undead boyfriend and her childhood.  Honestly, though, the best part of that article is that the idiot who wrote it hilariously calls Josh Hartnett one of the “big boys”.  Is Josh Hartnett even still alive?  What the hell is up with Diane Kruger and all these dead dudes, anyway?

Remember when my beloved Lily Allen and I were in a fight for, like, a million years?  And then we came to a tenuous understanding, but it was still awkward and gross because I had a lot of suppressed anger and so everything was passive aggressive and lame?  Well, that’s all behind us now, because Lily made it up to me by wearing a panda suit for no discernible reason in the new issue of i-D magazine.  The cuteness… it is killing me.  Anyway, Lily and I have truly reconciled and I’m so relieved, because it upsets me terribly when my imaginary friendships hit a rough patch.  Now Lily Allen Cutewatch ‘09 can get back to blowing our minds with adorableness.

You pervs will probably be more interested in the fact that besides donning a fuzzy animal costume, Lily also went topless in the new issue of i-D magazine:

Lily performing at Somerset House on Saturday: