I’m glad that in these uncertain times, when the economy sucks big donkey balls and I get laid off after 7 years at the same job, that we can count on Amy Winehouse to do what she does best: be a hot mess. Is there a Guinness World Record for Most Hospital Visits in Year? Amy seems to be well on her way to becoming a champion. According to Now,

Amy Winehouse was rushed to hospital on Friday night after collapsing.

The troubled diva, who is still on extended holiday on the Caribbean island of St Lucia, was in ‘a terrible state’.

Amy, 25, claims she has given up drugs during her vacation but is believed to have been drinking heavily.

‘She looked a shaking mess,’ a witness tells The Sun. ‘The people with her were very concerned.’

Amy’s spokesman has confirmed she’s receiving treatment after running out of a drug replacement she’d been using in a bid to get well.

You can always count on those Brits to make things sound so much more elegant and respectable than they are. Here in the good ol’ US of A, we’d substitute “in a state” for something like, “gargling on her own vomit” and “a shaking mess” for “too drunk to make it to the bathroom”.

Pre-drunken mess Amy doing some exercises in St. Lucia:

The medical center Amy was taken to: They put the hospitality into hospital!

Amy Winehouse’s stay in St. Lucia has turned from a relaxing holiday into a covert, no-holds-barred alcohol-wrangling night mission. Just like the Navy Seals, but with more falling down and slurring! According to The Sun

The sneaky singer… begs guests to order booze for her at the all-inclusive Caribbean resort. She was spotted creeping up behind one woman, asking for a cigarette and then sprinting away with her cocktail. A source at the resort said: “We keep catching her crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.”

Squirrels everywhere were outraged by the comparison, stating, “We might spend four months underground buried in dirt and covered with fleas, but we sure as hell don’t smell like that,” and adding “our nests are not nearly as ratty and nasty as that bitch’s hair, either.”

Doing yoga and the rings:

Amy Winehouse somehow managed to dodge another assault charge after dumping a glass of water over a woman’s head while on holiday in St. Lucia. The Sun says

A source claimed: “Her attack on this guest was the last straw. She walks around in the same grimy bikini bottoms each day with her boobs on show, gets drunk, gropes waiters and is rude to male staff. [All the hotel staff] wants Amy to disappear. She’s hardly the most popular guest.”

Her spokesman said of the water incident: “Amy misunderstood a conversation and wrongly believed a slight was made. The matter has been resolved.”

Ironic choice of weapons, don’t you think? After all, water was all it took to kill her kind in “The Wizard of Oz.” Now might be the time to invest in a good raincoat and a legion of Winkies!