After months of speculation, 40-year old Mariah Carey finally confirmed that she’s pregnant with her first child with husband Nick Cannon. Radar Online says:

In a story airing on NBC’s The Today Show, Carey told Access Hollywood’s Billy Bush: “Yes, we are pregnant.”

The Hero singer said she’s expecting in the spring, but wouldn’t give any further details.

Carey also revealed that she had been pregnant before – a few years ago – but had suffered a miscarriage.

“It kind of shook us both and took us into a place that was really dark and difficult,” Carey told Bush about the miscarriage. “When that happened… I wasn’t able to even talk to anybody about it. That was not easy.”

Oh, great. She had a miscarriage? How am I supposed to make a fat joke now? It’d be like pantsing a blind kid. And it took me a good two days before I could even laugh about that. Way to ruin the joke for everybody, Mariah.

Pornstar-turned-Tiger-Woods-mistress Devon “Butt Monkey” James filed a paternity action lawsuit against the golfer yesterday claiming he’s the father of her bastard kid, but why talk about boring stuff like that when we can talk about the Dina Lohan Ice Cream Cake Shamefest?! I’ll assume from the silence that you’re all nodding your heads in staunch agreement right now. That’s why I love you guys so much.

It all started when Lindsay Lohan’s mom stopped in a Carvel Ice Cream store to get a cake for son Cody’s birthday. And I say “get” instead of “buy,” because when it was time to pay for the cake, Dina produced a special Carvel Black card — a promotional VIP card that entitles the owner to free ice cream — and said she wasn’t going to pony up any dough because she was famous. And that’s when the Shamefest officially commenced. Dina told Radar Online:

“The shop assistant said, ‘Do you have I.D.?’ Next minute he he grabbed my arm and took my card and held it hostage and wouldn’t give me the cake! This guy was crazy!”

All the Lohans have ‘Black’ cards, [but I] picked up Ali’s card [by mistake].

I didn’t think it be a problem! I couldn’t believe this guy… it’s a family card, it just didn’t have my name on it. Next minute, four cop cars showed up, there’s a police helicopter over head and this guy makes it seem to the cops that I’m trying to use a stolen credit card — and for what? Over a free ice cream?!

Finally he gave me my card back. But he told me, ‘You can have the card, but you can’t have the cake!’ It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people.”

Just wait until Lindsay and Ali hear about this. When Ali gets back, I’m going to bring her in everyday to this store — and you can print that!”

But Carvel issued a statement calling out Dina for cashing in on her daughter’s celebrity status:

As part of Carvel’s 75th Anniversary celebration last year, we issued 75 Black Cards to celebrities. These cards were issued in the celebrity’s name and require the card holder to be present at the time of use.

Unfortunately, the Lohan family has been abusing the card. While the card was issued in Lindsay and Ali’s names only, her extended family has repeatedly used the card without either present. At first, we graciously honored their requests while explaining that the Black Card was not a carte blanche for unlimited Carvel Ice Cream for the extended Lohan family and friends. After more than six months of numerous and large orders for ice cream, we finally had to cut off the card and take it back.

Dina Lohan reacted badly and called the police to have her card returned. The police responded and did return the card to Dina with instructions not to use it again. This is an unfortunate situation where certain people feel entitled to use a celebrity’s name for their own purposes.

I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was still reeling from the “It just shows how we get treated so much worse than regular people” comment. I’m a regular person, and nobody gives me any free fucking ice cream. And the cops certainly don’t show up because I call and tell them nobody was giving me any free ice cream and I want something done about it. I’d get charged with making a false 911 call and have to cough up a $1,000 fine and spend six months in jail if I pulled that shit, which is 179 days less than Lindsay Lohan spent in jail for her two consecutive DUIs and cocaine possession. But yeah, they’re treated so much worse than regular people. I’d like to beat all the teeth out of her self-entitled head with a tire iron and rearrange them to spell “fuck you, you stupid ungrateful cunt.” Too bad my last name isn’t Lohan, or I’d probably get away with it, too.

John Travolta and Kelly Preston have confirmed that they are expecting a a screaming human larva to be expelled from her uterus sometime in the late fall. Star Magazine says

“It’s impossible to keep a secret … especially one as wonderful as this,” the Travoltas wrote on their web site.

The Hollywood stars — who suffered the devastating loss of their son, Jett, in 2009 — are expecting a baby.

“Kelly is about three months pregnant,” an insider [says of] the 47-year-old actress, who’s also mom to 10-year-old Ella. “Both she and John are absolutely over the moon — they knew in their hearts that the time was right for this to happen.”

I don’t know how a woman half a century old and a gay man go about making a baby, but you can bet your sweet bippy it wasn’t courtesy any penis-in-the-vagina action. I’m thinking more along the lines of lab coats and test tubes and organ music in an old stone castle on a dark and stormy night.

Kelly in a bikini, because according to a recent USA today gallup poll of Jerkoffs Who Are Looking for Naked Pictures of Celebrities on the Internet Instead of Doing Actual Work, boobs are waaaay more interesting the babies:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

It looks like your candlelight vigils and ceaseless prayers paid off — Bret Michaels has been released from the hospital following a massive brain hemorrhage late last month. Please hold your disappointed groans applause until the end. TMZ says

During a news conference [late yesterday afternoon], Bret’s [doctor] said the singer was no longer in critical condition and has recently been released from the Barrow Neurological Institute at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Phoenix.

Bret has been moved to a new undisclosed location to continue his recovery.

Dr. Zabramski said a medical team is still monitoring Bret’s condition very closely — and noted the singer is “very lucky” to be recovering so well.

I’ve heard it said that only cockroaches could withstand a nuclear holocaust, but I’d like to see one of them survive crawling inside the cooters of all 23 girls on Rock of Love Bus. Science says it can’t be done, yet here Bret stands. Cockroaches, consider yourself owned.

Even though Jenna Jameson claims that she has two torn ligaments after boyfriend Tito Ortiz’ alleged abuse yesterday, she still wants to get back together with him and live happily ever after in the house that methamphetamines built. Radar Online says

She said, “All I know is I’m in love with Tito and I hope to work it out. I’m devastated. I miss Tito.

I think couples therapy is highly imperative in this case. He hasn’t apologized yet because he’s not allowed to contact me, but I know he’s willing to work on it. He’s dealing with a lot right now, but he needs to learn to deal with it in a different way.”

But her story has started to unravel like a stripper’s g-string after a yeast infection — first, she told photographers that he didn’t beat her (video here), but a few hours later she decided he did, in fact, beat her (video here). According to TMZ

When we first saw Jenna last night — around 8 PM — she adamantly stated that Tito did not lay a hand on her.

But a few hours later — around 10 PM — the story had changed, and Jenna repeatedly referred to Tito as a “wife beater.”

So what happened in the time span between her stories? Well, one minor thing — around 9:30 PM — Tito held a press conference in which he insinuated that Jenna’s injuries were the result of her alleged addiction to OxyContin

When confronted with the discrepancies between her two stories, Jenna reportedly yelled, “Yeah? Well, it takes one to know one, cocksucker!” before she flashed her tits and started crying hysterically, then side-stepped into a parked car and vomited on its hood. No, wait… actually, that might have been me. Once the arresting officer gives his official statement I’ll get back to you ASAP.

Now that he’s been publicly outed as a philandering whoremonger, Jesse James is really, very, truly sorry. I’m sure he is. We’ve seen what it was he was having sex with. I’m almost sorry for him myself. He issued the following statement to People Magazine:

“The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment.

There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.

This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.”

I’ll admit, that’s a pretty heartfelt apology, but “sorry” doesn’t fix having the rug yanked out from under you and the wind knocked out of you and your heart cut from your chest and stuffed down your throat because you’ve just learned everything you’ve believed for the last five years has been a goddamn dirty lie. It’s like that time I found out that Miller Lite was less filling, but did NOT taste great. A girl can only take so much before she completely falls apart. We’re not made of stone, you know!

San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman of the was taken into custody over the weekend after allegedly choking media whore Tila Tequila at his home. TMZ says

San Diego Sheriff’s deputies responded to a call [Sunday] morning at 3:45 AM [in which] Tila claimed [to have been] “choked and physically restrained” by Merriman after she tried to leave his residence.

Tila was transported to a local hospital while Merriman was taken into custody. [He] is accused of battery and false imprisonment.

Merriman denied all the charges against him, claiming that Tila was “extremely inebriated” and he had only tried to prevent her from leaving because she was in no state to drive a vehicle. He said in a statement

“On September 6, 2009 the San Diego Sheriff’s Department responded to a citizen’s complaint that was initiated by Tila Nguyen (aka Tila Tequila). I was taken into custody based upon that complaint. At the time, I was concerned about her welfare given the intoxicated state she appeared to be in and I encouraged her to stay until safe transportation could be provided.

We would all do our best to help a friend if we considered their actions to be detrimental to their personal safety. I in no way caused any harm to Ms. Nguyen, however, paramedics were called and she was examined but no injuries were reported. She was released and has since returned to Los Angeles, California.

There have been no charges filed against me. I want to thank the San Diego Sheriff’s Department for their professionalism. I will continue to cooperate fully with the Department, and I look forward to clearing my name regarding these false allegations. I want to put this behind me so I can continue to focus on a successful season for the San Diego Chargers.”

Look, if you want to make a Leprechaun grant you a wish, all you have to do is catch it. Choking is only necessary if they’re trying to get a hold of your marshmallow cereal.

With a big snake in Polish CKM:

In response to the snippet of the Larry King interview that aired yesterday in which he claimed not to remember hitting Rihanna, Chris Brown is now on the offensive (pun intended!) and claiming CNN purposefully edited his responses to make him look bad. He said in a personal statement

“There have been reports on the Internet that I didn’t remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight.

That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like 4 or 5 times.

The first four times I gave the same answer — which was that I didn’t think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, “Do you remember doing it?” and I said, “No.”

Of course I remember what happened. But it was and still is a blur. I still can’t believe it happened because it is not me or who I am.”

I don’t know why CNN would give the impression that he didn’t remember the hitting her. Except, you know, that he said that. I also don’t know why they would imply that he was wearing a faggoty-ass sweater and bow tie that made him look like Carlton fucking Banks. Except, you know, that’s what he was wearing. All I know is that CNN better start getting their facts straight before they go skewing a story to make a guy look bad. Chris Brown ain’t exactly afraid to hit a bitch, you know.