Ladies, the best way to win that old boyfriend back isn’t dropping a dress size or a sexy new haircut — it’s stalking and screaming and hitting any other woman who stands in your way. “Restraining order?” More like “retaining order!” Let’s see what relationship guru Paris Hilton has to say on the subject. According to Page Six

Hilton first ran into [ex Stavros Niarchos] at Mansion Wednesday night. “Paris beelined for Stavros, but he was chatting up [Brandon Davis ex] Caroline Vreeland,” said our source. “He was completely ignoring Paris, and she was furious. She shot them evil looks and finally stormed up to them and started screaming at Caroline.”

So, with screaming out of the way, what next?

On Thursday, the celebutard followed Niarchos to three different clubs. One partygoer at Moka [said], “Paris saw that Stavros was with a girl, and she went crazy. She literally stood on Stavros’ table and began screaming at him. Then she started dancing and trying to get his attention.”

Stalking and dancing!¹ An unbeatable duo. All that’s left is the hitting, right?

When Stavros and his date left Mokai and moved on to Set, Hilton followed: “Paris went to great lengths trying to get Stavros’ date kicked out, begging club security to get rid of the girl. Paris was so furious, she ended up walking up to the girl and just punched her.” But a rep for Hilton [said]: “Paris was at both clubs but at no time physically struck anyone. These accusations are completely false.”

And as you can see from the picture below, all that persistence paid off in spades for Paris! So toss out that push up bra and those FM boots and head for the nearest flask of “belligerent in a bottle,” aka Tennessee whiskey. You have to believe that deep down, that dirty dog still wants you back. And also, remember a lot of times dogs have been known to eat their own vomit. So, yeah. That can’t hurt a girl’s chances, either. That’s what’s called “bringing your A-game,” ladies!

Paris at making out with Stavros and at Atrium in Miami Beach:

¹_{First I limp to the side like my leg was broken, shakin’ and twitchin’ kinda like I was smokin’. That’s all right ’cause my body’s in motion. It’s supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion. Anyone can play this game. You got it down when ya appear to be in pain. Humpin’, funkin’, jumpin’, jig around, shakin’ ya rump, and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump tell him step off, I’m doin’ the Hump.}

Now that it’s gobbled up and spat out Heath Ledger, Lindsay Lohan’s vagina has set its sights on former Paris-poker Stavros Niarchos. Page Six reports

Niarchos, who used to date both Lohan and her frenemy Paris Hilton, this time is sticking with the newly sober star. Hilton showed up to a party for the anti-smoking lozenge Ariva at Crimson in Hollywood the other night and tried to hook up with Niarchos - who, spies said, “wanted nothing to do with her and seemed so annoyed by her, he left the party” to go hang with Lohan. Hilton, unaware she had irked Niarchos, was then seen wandering around “asking where Stavros had gone.”

Remember that commercial where the couple are in bed enjoying what appears to be a sensual private moment together, but then the camera pans away and there are like thirty people on either side of them in the bed? The point being that you vicariously fuck every person your partner porked and everyone those people porked, so on down the line. Think about that the next time you’re pulling your pants down in front of a stranger you met in a bar in L.A. Odds are, Lindsay and Paris are somewhere in that communal bed.¹ Interestingly enough, if you actually map out every sex partner Lindsay and Paris have had in the last four years, you end up with an indecipherable web of countless intersections, and then you’ll notice a pattern of repititon, then fractals, then the Fibonacci sequence and finally the mathematical formula for the end of existence as we know it. Scary stuff. Scientists actually cried and clung to each other and raised angry fists to the sky when they first saw it. What I’m saying here, Stavros, is might as well swab your mouth and genitals with the same toilet paper with which Paris wiped her puss and Lindsay swiped her pooper. See, it doesn’t sound so hot that way, now does it? Well, neither does “ménage à six hundred” or “herpes.” Try using your fucking brain for once, dumbass.

¹ _{This is true for most anyone you met in the Western half of the United States. Also Mexico.}

Lindsay in costume with superheroes for some commercial: