Lindsay Lohan has been accused of stealing over two million dolllars’ worth of jewelry. Again. That’s the second time in less than three months, for those of you keeping count. According to Radar Online

Lindsay had the jewels on loan from swanky Beverly Hills store, XIV Karats, from over two months ago but when asked to return the pricey baubles the Mean Girls star fessed up that she didn’t have them.

“Lindsay claimed that they had been stolen from her safe,” a source tells RadarOnline.com “They’ve disappeared. XIV are not happy about it. The jewels were in Lindsay’s care and they were only on a loaner, they were expected to be returned. If something is not resolved soon there will be legal action taken.”

And conveniently, her home was broken into just this week and her safe was stolen after she “forgot” to lock the door and staff “forgot” to set the security alarm! What a timely coincidence. Please. Come off it already! We all know the jewelry was traded for coke in some Mexican border town pawn shop. Seriously, if this little scheme of hers were any more contrived, it would read like a fucking Diablo Cody screenplay. Ha ha ha! Buuurrrrn, muthafuckas!

Looking like a crackwhore leaving some club last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Holy Moly was the first to break the story (see yesterday’s Quickies), but it’s been confirmed today that Lindsay Lohan is currently under investigation by Scotland Yard in connection with the disappearance of $400,000 worth of diamond jewelry from the set of a Elle magazine photoshoot. People Magazine says

[Lindsay was] the last one seen wearing… the Dior jewels.

Under investigation by Scotland Yard, the disappearance of a set of diamond earrings and a necklace was reported on June 8. The baubles were on loan for a June 6 magazine shoot.

“Everyone from the shoot is being questioned,” Lohan’s rep [says]. “Hair, make up, stylist … even photographers. Lindsay hopes they find the jewels. She is happy to cooperate.”

A police spokeswoman [says], “Westminster Police are investigating an allegation of theft of jewelry from studios in Brewery Road. Inquiries are continuing and no arrests have been made.”

A spokeswoman for Elle U.K. released a statement [saying],”Elle has no reason to believe that Lindsay Lohan was in any way responsible and has no further comment to make.”

Oh, come on. Next to penis, stealing is what Lindsay Lohan does best. Like that time she stole a fur coat from a night club. Or that other time she stole clothes from one of her friends. And that time she shanghaied a bunch of designer duds from the set of an Elle magazine photoshoot in 2007. The only way it’d be more obvious that it was Lindsay Lohan is if she started wearing a striped jumpsuit and carrying a canvas sack with dollar signs on the back.

The 2007 Elle magazine photoshoot where she was caught stealing the Louis Vuitton stuff (outtakes here):

Once again Winona Ryder finds herself the victim of a “misunderstanding” that could easily be construed as “blatant theft” — a diamond ring and bracelet on loan to Klepty McStealsalot mysteriously went missing from her Madrid hotel. TMZ says

Winona was in Madrid Sunday for a Marie Claire event. Marie Claire had given Winona a [$125,000] Bulgari bracelet and a ring to wear, [along with] a dress and shoes.

After Winona left Madrid, the bracelet and ring turned up missing. Winona claimed she went to the front desk at the hotel and gave the jewelry to the front desk, but the surveillance cam doesn’t show her doing that.

So… security cameras can be used to prove your innocence? Wow. Didn’t see that one coming. I’ll just be adding that to my “Reasons to Install a Hidden Camera in My Anus” list, right between “extreme impact porn market” and “irrefutable proof of alien probes.” Note to self: genius.

Wearing the jewelery in question at the Marie Claire Prix de la Mode Awards last week:

Actor Nicolas Cage has won his libel suit against former co-star Kathleen Turner for her autobiographical claims that he used to be a drunken dog-napper. Both Kathleen’s publishers and The Daily Mail — who featured an excerpt from her book “Send Yourself Roses” in their tabloid publication — apologized and admitted the allegations were just the delusions of a crazy old bird who can’t remember what’s real and what isn’t. Reuters reports

Turner stated that Cage was “arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, for stealing a dog [while we were filmng "Peggy Sue Got Married"]. He’d come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket.”

Turner and the two publishing groups accepted that the allegations were untrue and [agreed to] pay the 44-year-old Cage’s legal costs and make a “substantial” donation to charity.

This is why you can’t trust old people. They’re always forgetting stuff and then making stuff up when they can’t remember what it is they were supposed to be doing to begin with. Like this time my uncle flagged down a senior citizen driving the wrong way down the interstate. All the old bastard had to say for himself was — and I quote — “Well, the sheriff said I take my eggs medium and I don’t expect no colored folk to clean my wagon if you aren’t.” True fucking story. So my uncle zapped him with a taser¹ and stole his car. Some people are just born heroes.

¹_{EDITOR’S NOTE: 50,000+ volts not recommended for old people with pacemakers, unless you are CPR certified or are already facing murder charges.}

Kathleen hawking her never-really-happened:

You probably remember that actress Winona Ryder was busted six years ago stealing clothes from a Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. Well, apparently our little Winona hasn’t gotten it out of her system, because the 36-year-old actress was caught shoplifting makeup from a Beverly Hills CVS drug store last week. According to The Daily Mail

A store employee is quoted as saying: “Winona had a bag of stuff, but she set off the theft alarm when she left the store. When a security guard stopped her, he found make-up she had not paid for.” And when she was asked about the make-up, Winona answered: “I don’t know how that happened.” The store employee added: “We took unpaid items back and she left the store.”

Winona’s publicist at first denied the incident took place. But when told a store employee had confirmed it, said she would check with her again.

Wait, is it 1991 again? Are we in junior high? Is the “five-finger discount” on Bonnie Bell lip smackers still de rigeuer? Am I cowering in the corner of the locker room while the eighth grade girls light my training bra on fire with a lighter and a can of Aqua Net? Am I cutting again? Are “Everybody Hurts” and frosted eye shadows my best friends? Oh, thank God! For a minute there I thought we’d entered some kind of terrible wormhole back into early pubescence. I was this close to perming my hair and buying a neon pink fanny pack again.

Britney Spears decided to take a break from her busy day of driving around aimlessly and slurping frappuccinos to steal a disposable lighter from a gas station Saturday night. TMZ

The popwreck spent most of her day driving the paparazzi around in circles. When she decided to stop at a Van Nuys gas station for some gum, she doubled back for a lighter — and just snatched it off a display. We’d like to say Britney “forgot” to pay for it, but then she turned to the cameras and yelled, “I stole something. Oh, I’m bad. Ohhhhh!”

I guess the sense of shame and the sense of entitlement are mutually exclusive. Probably because shame might interfere with that donut-sniffin’ sense so envied by the locals. I hear Britney can sniff out chocolate eclair from a distance of fifty meters and that she once wrestled a dozen cruellers with her bare hands. She’s like the Paul Bunyan of Malibu. Only not quite so petite and refined. Think “Paul Bunyan’s ox.” She’s practically a living legend!

See the video here.

Screen caps below: