The former gay lover of Michael Jackson’s dermatologist and sperm donor Arnold Klein claims that Jackson could never have children of his own because his father literally beat him sterile as a child. According to London’s The Sun

Paul Gohranson alleged: “I asked Arnold why couldn’t Michael Jackson use his own sperm and he said Michael was unable to produce kids, physically.

Once, when [Michael] was very young, Joe picked him up by one leg and started hitting him. Michael said that he didn’t mean to hit him in [the groin] - but he did and it hurt bad.

The second time [Michael] had put out a solo album and it didn’t do very well and they rowed that Michael was losing his voice, losing his looks and was gonna shame the Jackson family.

Apparently Michael started to cry and [Joe] said something like: ‘You’re a sissy and if you’re a sissy then you don’t need balls’ and proceeded to hit him [in the groin]. That was when the damage was done.”

Gohranson claimed that his lover told him Jacko’s testicle was “never the same again.”

If you’re a parent, you know just how effective cliched threats like “I’ll give you something to cry about” or “I will turn this goddamn car around” are. What you need is something with a little more bite. Something that really strikes fear into their grubby little hearts. And that’s where “Boy, I will beat your black ass sterile” comes into play. I swear, Joe Jackson should really write a book or something.

Nicole Kidman has gone and offended the aboriginal tribes of Australia, but not with that awful “Betwitched” remake like you probably thought. Nicole made the mistake of playing the sacred didgeridoo while promoting her new movie “Australia” on a German television show. The Daily Mail says

Aborigine culture bars women from playing the traditional instrument because of a belief it will leave them barren.

The Oscar-winning actress blew weakly into the long wooden instrument when she appeared on the TV show with fellow star Hugh Jackman to promote her latest movie, Australia. Aboriginal tribes were far from amused when they saw pictures of the actress blowing into the instrument.

‘It will mean she has no more children. It is not meant to be played by women as it will make them barren,’ said Aboriginal language teacher Richard Green.

Didgeridoos make you sterile and I’m just finding this out now? Jeez. And to think of all the money I pissed away on the morning after pill and back-alley abortions. And then hospital stays for uncontrollable hemorrhaging and blood poisoning after the back-alley abortions. Blue Cross/Blue Shield, you owe me like twelve thousand dollars.

Didgeri-don’t:

Photo source: SPLASH NEWS