The above footage of a coked-out-of-his-gourd “Jackass” star Steve-O twittering and twitching like Beavis with Tourette’s made its way online Friday, shortly after it was reported that he had been hospitalized after threatening to take his own life. In the five and a half minute rant, Steve-O compulsively scratches his head and spits while delving into the dissension in the Middle East and a little non-Euclidean space-time theory. Good stuff. All he needs is a diaper and a good “The End is Near” beard and he could be that guy that sleeps under my Nana’s stoop and eats garbage and the occasional dead pigeon. Of course, the real diaper man has too much dignity to cover his back with an enormous tattoo portrait of himself giving the thumbs up. Not so much dignity that he won’t take a dump on a bus stop bench in the middle of the afternoon, but still. We’re not even talking the same league here.

“Jackass” star and friend of the earth worm Steve-O is on suicide watch at Cedars-Sinai today after threatening to kill himself over the weekend. More shocking: that a man who makes a habit of stapling his ballsack to his legs and piercing his ass cheeks closed hasn’t tried to kill himself before. Star Magazine reports

The situation escalated over the weekend when Steve-O, 33, e-mailed suicide notes to several friends, blaming a broken romance. “Steve started flipping out. He told doctors he wanted to hurt himself badly. He wanted to break every bone in his body one by one.”

A close family member told Star that Steve-O suffers from untreated bipolar disorder.

And how would saying he “wanted to hurt himself” and “break every bone in his body one by one” be cause for concern, exactly? It’s my understanding that self-harming is Steve-O’s bread and butter. Meaning you snort some butter and light some bread on fire, then shove it flaming into your asshole while taking a downhill ride in a port-a-potty and collect your paycheck. You know, your “bread and butter.” Geez. It’s called “American colloquialism,” people! You should look it up sometime.